All of us have wished at some point for the perfect grocery list of do’s and don’ts in a relationship: habits to avoid and rituals to maintain. But unfortunately, lists like these are incredibly hard to come by, especially in terms of “do’s.”
Although we have a fairly good and generalized idea of the habits that can protect and damage relationships, the truth is that they’re not exhaustive, nor could they ever be. Your relationship is as unique as your fingerprint, so your list of do’s and don’ts will be, too — which, funnily enough, is precisely what psychological researchers want to see.
Rather than prescribe recommendations, in a now-renowned 1997 study published in the journal Communication Monographs, researchers Carol Bruess and Judy Pearson focused instead on documenting the countless unique habits and rituals that couples swear keep them in love, described as “idiosyncratic rituals.” No two were the same, but overall, they noticed several broad themes emerge.
Here are the four kinds of rituals that keep couples crazy about each other, even decades into a relationship, according to the seminal study.
1. ‘Favorites’ Rituals
Bruess and Pearson describe “favorites” rituals as the symbolic places, foods, activities, gifts and routines couples repeatedly return to together, time and again.
For most, these rituals look unremarkable: the same coffee order every Sunday morning, the same booth at a restaurant, the same movie marathon every Christmas. Yet despite how ordinary they look, they become emotionally loaded over time. They stop being just preferences and start becoming shorthand for their familiarity and affection for one another.
As one woman in Bruess and Pearson’s study said, “His favorite cake is wicky-wacky chocolate. It’s a chocolate-out-of-scratch cake, an old family recipe.” Continuing, she explained, “So, when I really, really, really, really, like him, and he’s really, really, really, really, made me happy, I bake him a wicky-wacky cake. He knows I’m really happy with him when he gets a wicky-wacky cake.”
To anyone outside the relationship, a “wicky-wacky cake” sounds ridiculous. But that’s exactly the point. Healthy couples will develop emotional meaning around highly specific things because the act of repetition is what transforms something ordinary into a symbol of devotion.
In psychological research, we know that relationships thrive on responsiveness: the feeling that your partner “gets” you deeply and responds to your inner world with care. Remembering someone’s strange favorite snack, recreating an old inside joke or bringing them the exact drink they love after a difficult day communicates exactly that: that they “get” you.
2. ‘Private’ Rituals
The researchers define “private codes” as words, gestures, phrases, symbols or behaviors that carry unique meaning within the relationship alone. These rituals can include nicknames, baby talk, weird accents, secret signals, or recurring references that would make absolutely no sense to anyone else.
One couple reported ritualistically repeating their favorite movie quote to one another every day, like a cheesy affirmation of sorts: “Honey, you make me hotter than Georgia asphalt.”
Another couple explained that they had developed a surprisingly nuanced system around toothpaste: “Whoever goes in and brushes their teeth first always puts toothpaste on the other’s toothbrush. If we’re upset with one another, we might set the tube next to the brush, not put paste on it.” Concluding, they explain, “This is sort of a sign of ‘how ya feeling today about one another?’”
From the outside looking in, these rituals can seem unbearably corny. But psychologically, they serve a profound purpose: they create what researchers sometimes call a “culture of two.” And that matters more than how silly or embarrassing the ritual is itself.
Every long-term couple will eventually develop their own tiny, private universe together; in turn, they unconsciously develop a shared language, shared references and shared meanings. These rituals reinforce the feeling that the relationship is its own safe emotional ecosystem, rather than just two individuals who just happen to coexist.
Private, couple-specific rituals can also become markers of emotional intimacy in times of routine or monotony. A private phrase exchanged across a crowded room or a tiny symbolic gesture before work can act as a reminder that, beneath all the logistics and boredom of adulthood, their friendship and romance is still alive and well.
3. ‘Play’ Rituals
“Play rituals,” according to Bruess and Pearson, revolve around teasing, joking, silliness, games and playful banter. These are the strange little habits couples fall into when they feel emotionally safe enough to be completely ridiculous around each other.
As one woman in the study admitted, “I would check my husband’s belly button for fuzz on a daily basis at bedtime.” Continuing, she explained, “It originated when I noticed some blanket fuzz in his belly button one day and thought it was funny. We both found it funny and teased often about the fuzz. If there wasn’t any fuzz for a few days, my husband would put some in his belly button for me to find. It’s been happening for about 10 years now.”
To couples just starting out — or anyone, really, who doesn’t fathom how relationships evolve — a ritual like this sounds preposterous. Yet to those of us who know true love, there’s something oddly touching about this example. It captures a quality that relationship researchers consistently associate with happy couples: playfulness.
Long-term relationships are vulnerable to becoming overly functional. Couples start operating like business partners who coordinate schedules, bills, chores and responsibilities. But play interrupts this pattern. It injects novelty, flirtation, spontaneity and lightness back into the relationship.
There’s a reason why laughter feels so physically relieving when it’s shared with someone you love: research has long established that it’s a key ingredient to both happiness in life and in love.
Often, you’ll find that the most grounding couples’ rituals are the ones that would sound utterly absurd when explained aloud… belly-button lint inspections certainly being one of them. But the absurdism matters less than the ability to be silly together, as this is a deeply intimate act. It requires vulnerability, trust and the confidence that your partner will meet your weirdness with warmth (or even more weirdness), rather than judgment.
4. ‘Celebration’ Rituals
Finally, “celebration rituals” refer to the special routines couples create around birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, achievements and meaningful milestones. These rituals establish shared expectations around how love, appreciation and remembrance are expressed.
One couple in the study reported a ritual for celebrating their relationship by returning to the same restaurant where they had their first date — something that many couples do and enjoy.
Another couple in the study described a game that they invented, which doubles as both a play and a celebration ritual: “We were married on the 26th day of May. We have a monthly contest to see who says ‘Happy Anniversary’ first on the 26th day of every month.”
Continuing, they elaborated, “Rules are: no waking spouse, said anytime after midnight, and must be person to person (in other words, no written messages or answering machine messages). This originated the first month after we were married. It is ongoing since 1968; we never missed a month, and we don’t keep score.”
Today just so happens to be the 27th of May, and I’ll bet they still played it yersterday, 58 years later. Here’s to them.
Celebration rituals matter because they force couples to pause and acknowledge one another intentionally. In long-term relationships, it becomes dangerously easy to assume your partner already knows that they’re loved and appreciated. Rituals ensure that this knowledge is never taken for granted.
Anniversaries, birthday traditions, recurring date nights and even tiny monthly check-ins create opportunities to revisit the relationship’s most humble roots and beginnings. They remind couples where they started, what they’ve survived together and why they chose one another in the first place. But more importantly, they remind couples that they’re still choosing one another, no matter how long it’s been.
The true beauty of these rituals lies in the fact that they’re a little weird. No algorithm could invent them. No relationship expert could prescribe them in advance. They’re the natural result of two people building a life together — slowly enough, honestly enough and playfully enough for love to develop its own strange language.
Healthy couples need small relationship rituals to stay emotionally close. Find out if your connection is thriving (or just surviving) with this science-backed test: Relationship Flourishing Scale
