When you think of hopping on a carousel at an amusement park, you probably feel warm, nostalgic and reminisce about the joy and wonder of being a child once again, never wanting the ride to end. But imagine that you’ve been on the ride for a few turns already. You’re still excited, but likely started to feel the fatigue of staying in one position for that long.
Now imagine that you’re ready to get off — but you can’t. The carousel won’t stop spinning, you’re getting dizzy and you desperately need the ride to end. That’s what dating has begun to feel like for many hopeful singles.
“Carouseling” is a new dating term that describes meeting someone new and feeling excited about building a connection, exchanging multiple messages — sometimes for weeks or months on end — without making or following through on any plans to meet up or take the relationship forward.
Carouseling often happens when you’re talking to multiple people at the same time, but not committing to focusing on one person. Even if you are just talking to one person, the connection stagnates because both parties are holding back in some way.
Here are two signs you’re stuck on a relationship carousel, and how to get off.
1. You’re In An Endless ‘Talking Stage’
If you’ve been talking to someone new for a few weeks, and are in that in-between stage of “just talking” as opposed to actively going on dates, it’s likely a sign of carouseling.
A 2024 study published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy shows that the “talking stage” can be used to test the waters with someone when deciding whether or not to commit to them, but it can also be used to avoid true intimacy, accountability and vulnerability.
Someone on a relationship carousel may be unsure of their feelings for the other person, or even of what their own dating expectations are, and the talking stage offers a relatively safe space for them to express their interest and keep the other person invested, while not investing much themselves.
Many individuals may also want to explore other connections, fearing that they’ll lose out on someone “better” for them. Especially on dating apps, it can feel like there are “plenty of fish in the sea,” leading them to remain indecisive.
“Conflicting motives for entering into a ‘just talking’ relationship may cause pain and frustration for ‘just talking’ partners who want a more concrete path forward than those who are using just talking as a safe alternative to a more defined relationship,” the researchers explain.
2. Neither Of You Is Willing To Make A Move
The funny thing about going in circles is that you never really get to the point. Sometimes, relationship carousels keep spinning not because of a lack of interest, but because we’re afraid we’re undeserving of the other person, or that we’ll seem too eager if we express our true feelings for them.
Many people want to take their relationships forward, but struggle with the uncertainty that comes with making a real move.
“It’s a fear of rejection for a lot of people; it’s like they don’t want to just go up to that person and be like ‘hey do you want to go out on a date?’ ‘cause they’re afraid they’re going to say no,” another participant from the “talking stage” study explains, highlighting the fear of vulnerability behind the lack of initiative in dating culture.
In fact, Dating app Hinge’s 2024 D.A.T.E report found that 95% of its users have a fear of rejection, while 57% of Gen Z users avoid revealing their feelings for someone because they don’t want it to be a “turn–off.”
This fear keeps the relationship stagnant, emotionally and practically. Both parties continue to talk and check-in with each other, even if the frequency of exchanged texts decline, but it never goes any deeper than that. No one plans a date and no one addresses the elephant in the room.
“I had to initiate the ‘what are we’ conversation more than just once. My partner and I both had pasts that made us hesitant to make things official. It doesn’t have to be a do-or-die scary conversation but rather a check-in to see what you both want. I think there’s a lot of gray area in casual dating, and after a certain amount of time, too much confusion and lack of direction can sink a relationship,” explains Hinge dater Khai Bellamy.
While the other person might be clearly avoidant, it’s also worth reflecting on whether there’s any avoidance in you — are you avoiding the “what are we” conversation and potential rejection? What might be stopping you from making a move?
For many people, a fear of being single or worrying that they might not find something more fulfilling can also keep them from exiting such dynamics.
It’s natural to not want to lose out on a connection, especially when you’ve invested time and energy into building it, but when you keep feeding more of your energy into something that isn’t giving you any back, you’re inevitably going to be drained.
Research shows that we often settle for unsatisfying relationships out of a fear of being single, and this also applies to newer relationships, where you might remain in a talking stage endlessly, because it feels better than the possibility of not having a relationship to build on.
And if that’s the case, consider that getting off this carousel isn’t necessarily going to lead to more loneliness, but is an opportunity to find a relationship that’s much more fulfilling. The longer you stay on this draining ride, the more time you take away from a happier future.
“It is SO NECESSARY to have the ‘what are we’ convo to gauge where you are with the other person, so no one feels like they’re wasting their time. Closed mouths don’t get fed. You never know how good things will turn out if you just settle for a state of uncertainty,” says Hinge dater Isaiah Xavier.
Carousel dynamics are equivalent to laying bricks for buildings that never get built and a foundation that was never really equipped to handle more. So either take the leap to build something, or stand by your decision to walk away — either way, it’s time to hop off the carousel.
Is a fear of being single keeping you stuck in stagnant relationships? Take this science-backed test to find out: Fear Of Being Single Scale
