When you think of the characteristics that uphold your relationship, what comes to mind? For most, buzzwords like honesty, respect and commitment are usually first to arise. However, one of the most key integral factors in keeping a relationship in good shape is also one that’s most often overlooked: playfulness.
While some couples may disregard this a trivial attribute in the grand scheme of their relationship, recent research published in Scientific Reports says otherwise.
Specifically, the study exhibits various different impacts that types of playfulness can have on key facets of a relationship—namely, attachment styles and experiences of jealousy. Fascinatingly, it was found that certain forms of playfulness are conducive to security in relationships, while others can contribute to different facets of jealousy.
Here’s a summary of the study’s most pertinent findings—and what it may mean for your relationship.
Understanding Playfulness In Relationships
Most people regard playfulness as just joking around or general silliness, but psychologists see it in a vastly different light. Instead, it’s viewed as an ability to experience and frame situations as entertaining, interesting or intellectually stimulating.
In this way, playfulness shapes how we interact with the world around us; it allows us to turn otherwise mundane or upsetting scenarios into something more lighthearted. In turn, a natural consequence of this ability is the impact it can have on how we relate to our romantic partners—in ways that go far beyond just having fun.
Specifically, 2017 research from Personality and Individual Differences breaks down playfulness into four distinct types:
- Other-directed playfulness. This type involves using humor, teasing or playful banter to connect with others. For example, a partner who uses light teasing to diffuse tension during an argument or playfully reenacts a past memory to spark joy demonstrates other-directed playfulness.
- Lighthearted playfulness. People with a lighthearted approach to life see challenges with a sense of humor and embrace spontaneity. Imagine a couple stuck in traffic: rather than getting frustrated, one of them decides to turn it into a game of “I spy,” or begins to make up elaborate stories about the people in the cars around them.
- Intellectual playfulness. This type revolves around playing with ideas, concepts and problem-solving. Couples who love coming up with creative solutions to daily problems (or imaginary ones) demonstrate intellectual playfulness. They get a kick out of deep, philosophical debates and by challenging each other with daily puzzles—like sudoku, crosswords or even Wordle.
- Whimsical playfulness. Those high in whimsical playfulness enjoy all things quirky, unpredictable and unconventional; they love adding an element of surprise and novelty to their relationships. For instance, a partner who likes to plan elaborate, themed date nights out of the blue or enjoys dressing up in silly costumes just for fun.
According to lead author of the Scientific Reports study, Kay Brauer, in an interview with PsyPost, “There is robust evidence that adult playfulness plays a role (no pun intended) for romantic relationships.”
Notably, she explains, “Prior research has shown that playfulness is a strongly desired trait when people are asked about their ideal partner, playfulness is associated with relationship satisfaction in couples, and partners are similar in their playfulness—even in samples of middle- and older age.
Given its various important roles, Brauer and her colleagues were interested in how playfulness extends to the ways couples—both mixed- and same-gender—connect and with one another on a romantic level.
1. Playfulness And Attachment
Attachment styles refer to the ways in which we relate to others based on our past experiences. These patterns, however, are not set in stone—according to 2019 research. Naturally, they play an enormously critical role in romantic relationships.
Namely, people with attachment avoidance struggle with intimacy and tend to be emotionally distant, while those with attachment anxiety fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance—unlike those with secure attachments, who face minimal fears or struggles.
According to the study, people who score high in other-directed, lighthearted and intellectual playfulness were found to have more secure attachment styles. These individuals feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions, which suggests that their relationships are likely more open and trusting.
For instance, couples who exhibit lighthearted or other-directed playfulness may be less likely to dwell on small disagreements; they like to keep their relationship free of unnecessary tension. Instead of sulking over a forgotten anniversary, they might turn it into a humorous moment—or gently tease their partner, then planning an impromptu celebration instead.
Meanwhile, someone who enjoys intellectual playfulness might be more open to discussing conflicts in a way that emphasizes understanding rather than defensiveness. They debate issues using friendly banter, instead of by means of heated arguments. Their playful problem solving-skills make them experts in preventing conflicts from escalating.
Whimsical playfulness, on the other hand, did not show a strong link to attachment security. This likely suggests that quirky, unpredictable humor may not always be suited for emotional safety in the same way that other forms of playfulness do. As such, gentle, stable and familiar forms of playfulness seem to be more conducive to a sense of safety and security.
2. Playfulness And Jealousy
Jealousy is a natural, yet complex emotion in relationships—and, contrary to popular belief, it isn’t inherently harmful or wrong either. As classical research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships explains, jealousy emerges in relationships in three forms:
- Cognitive jealousy. Suspicious thoughts about a partner’s faithfulness, which can cast doubt over the security of the relationship itself.
- Behavioral jealousy. Actions taken to monitor or control a partner due to jealousy, and is usually indicative of controllingness or possessiveness.
- Emotional jealousy. Feelings of anxiety, fear or insecurity in relation to threats to one’s relationship. It is the most natural form of jealousy from an evolutionary perspective, but can become problematic in large doses.
Specifically, Brauer’s study found that all four types of playfulness were linked to lower emotional jealousy—meaning that playful individuals tend to experience fewer intense negative emotions when faced with perceived relationship threats.
It’s probable that playful couples approach their relationship with more confidence and trust; they’re confidently able to search for bright sides and silver linings, even during periods of uncertainty. This, in turn, could make them less likely to interpret ambiguous situations as threatening.
Once again, however, whimsical playfulness showed an interesting contradiction. While people high in whimsical playfulness reported lower emotional jealousy, they also experienced higher levels of cognitive and behavioral jealousy.
This means they might not get as emotionally upset about threats to their relationship, but they may be more prone to suspicious thoughts or behaviors, like checking their partner’s phone or attempting to stifle their freedom.
This means that a whimsical person might not immediately feel distressed if their partner mentions a flirty coworker—but later, it’s possible that their mind might wander. In turn, they may become skeptical of their partner’s intentions, take actions to keep them close, or even begin to monitor them for reassurance.
Interestingly, lighthearted playfulness also had a partner effect: when one partner was highly lighthearted, their partner tended to experience greater cognitive jealousy. This may suggest that one partner’s carefree, spontaneous attitude might lead a more anxious partner to feel uncertain about where they stand.
What This Means for Couples
If you and your partner use humor, intellect or lightheartedness to connect, there’s a good chance that you feel more secure in your relationship. As such, nurturing the spirit of playfulness in your relationship interactions is one of the easiest and most entertaining ways to sustain this sense of connectedness.
That said, not all kinds of playfulness can have the same effect. Whimsical playfulness—albeit fun and engaging—could result in anxious thoughts and behaviors when exhibited out of the blue. A spontaneous surprise getaway might be thrilling for you, but for your partner who values predictability and structure, it could be a little unsettling.
Remember, you don’t need to be a stand-up comedian or an expert surprise planner to keep playfulness alive in your relationship; fun can’t always be forced. Silliness and lightness feels best when it flows naturally, when the moment encourages it. And when it does, don’t ignore it—because play isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity.
Does your relationship lack an air of playfulness? Take this science-backed test, and find out if you and your partner could benefit from it: Relationship Satisfaction Scale