When you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s easy for the excitement of date nights to fade into the background of everyday life. Yet, according to renowned relationship counselors Drs. John and Julie Gottman, date nights are vital to maintaining a thriving relationship.
They recommend just two hours a week of dedicated one-on-one time with your partner to significantly boost happiness and health in your partnership.
That might sound simple, but for many couples, it’s not always easy to figure out what to do with those two hours. Especially when life feels repetitive, planning something special can seem daunting—whether you’re trying to come up with new ideas, balance different interests, or just reignite the spark.
Thankfully, however, a 2021 study from the Journal of Personal and Social Relationships offers three key insights into how to make the most of your date nights.
1. Prioritize Excitement To Keep the Spark Alight
One of the standout findings from the study is that couples who prioritize “approach relationship goals” — in other words, those who seek positive and exciting experiences together — tend to feel more connected. Additionally, these couples are better at planning thrilling and stimulating dates — which are vital for keeping the romantic spark alive.
When you’ve been together for a while, however, routine can become the enemy of excitement. Date nights can quickly turn into the same old thing — a quick dinner out, maybe a movie, then back home.
There’s nothing wrong with that, but over time, repeating the same activities can make it feel like your relationship is stuck in a rut. That’s why the researchers suggest aiming for novelty and adventure when planning your dates.
This doesn’t mean you have to go skydiving every weekend, but it could be as simple as trying something new together. Prioritizing novelty and excitement is the most effective way to reignite that sense of excitement you felt in the early stages of your relationship. For instance:
- Outdoor adventure. Think about activities you wouldn’t normally do together. It could be ziplining, paddleboarding or even just exploring a new hiking trail; being outside and trying something novel can make the date feel more invigorating. If you’re more low-key, a simple picnic in a scenic, unfamiliar spot can create a lovely sense of adventure.
- Explore your city. Sometimes, the most exciting adventures can be right in your backyard. Try exploring a neighborhood you’ve never visited or checking out that new café you’ve been curious about. Going on a “staycation” in your own town can offer a fresh perspective on familiar surroundings and make for a surprisingly fun date.
- Surprise each other. If planning a full-on adventure feels overwhelming, try incorporating a small element of surprise into your date night. You could plan a mystery destination, organize a themed date or add an unexpected twist to your usual routine. Surprises help break the predictability, as they keep things light and playful.
2. Plan A Date That Allows You To Grow Together
Another key finding from the research is the link between self-expansion and date nights. Self-expansion is the idea that when we engage in activities that help us grow, learn, or challenge ourselves, we feel more fulfilled — and when we do those things with a partner, it can help us reconnect.
In practice, this would entail planning dates that allow both partners to experience something new or develop a new skill together. Notably, the goal shouldn’t be just to spend time together, but to engage in something that helps you grow individually and as a couple. You could learn something new, take on a challenge or explore a new interest; sharing such experiences alone can create a deeper sense of partnership.
It’s important to note that “growth” doesn’t always mean taking on something huge. Sometimes, it’s all in the little moments that allow you to see each other in a new light or appreciate different facets of your personalities:
- Take a class together. Sign up for something that interests both of you —like a cooking class, pottery workshop or even something completely niche, like mixology or photography. Not only will you learn something new, but you’ll have shared the experience of mastering a skill together — and you can laugh through the process together.
- Physical challenge. If you’re feeling adventurous, try an activity that requires teamwork and pushes you physically, like rock climbing, kayaking or even a workout that’s tough for your shared standards. Physical challenges can be an effective (and healthy) way to build trust and encourage each other to step out of your comfort zones.
- Cultural experiences. If you’re more drawn to intellectual pursuits, consider exploring new cultural experiences together. Visit a museum exhibit you’ve never seen, attend a foreign film screening or explore a new genre of music. The goal should be to share something new that stimulates conversation and reflection.
3. Set Positive Intentions Before the Date
Couples who approach their date nights with an open, positive mindset tend to have more meaningful and fulfilling experiences — according to the study’s findings regarding approach relationship goals. Thus, setting positive intentions before a date can have a profound impact on its success. In fact, the mindset you bring to the date can be just as important as the activity itself.
It’s easy to let date nights fall into autopilot — going out because it’s something you’re “supposed” to do, rather than actually thinking about how to make the most of the experience. But by taking a moment beforehand to set clear, positive intentions, you can turn a routine outing into something special. Consider what you want to achieve from the date: Do you want to feel more connected? Have deeper conversations? Or simply enjoy each other’s company in a more relaxed, fun setting?
- Focus on connection, not perfection. It’s important to remember that not every date needs to be perfect. The real value lies in how you connect with each other. Even if the evening doesn’t go exactly as planned, focus on the quality of your conversations, laughter and little moments of contentment.
- Plan activities that suit your personalities. Don’t feel pressured to plan a lavish or complex date if that’s not your style. The best dates are those that reflect who you are as a couple. It doesn’t matter if it’s as simple as cooking a meal together or playing a board game; so long as you choose something that allows you both to relax and enjoy yourselves, it’s a date night worth having.
- Connection-focused games. If you’re looking for a deeper, more intimate date night at home, consider playing a game designed specifically to spark meaningful conversations. Games like We’re Not Really Strangers, Unpack That or …and then, we held hands are perfect for couples who want to explore each other’s thoughts, feelings and experiences on a level that everyday conversation doesn’t allow for.
Are date nights a thing of the past in your relationship? Take this science-backed test and find out if it’s cause for concern: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
