Parenting is no easy feat. It takes years of physical and mental effort and financial means to raise children. Why then, do many people continue to choose to have children if it does not necessarily boost life satisfaction?
New research, using data from 30 European countries, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that this decision has more to do with the meaning it contributes to our lives than how happy it makes us. This finding held true in the study, regardless of gender, social and national backgrounds.
In my recent interview with the lead authors of the study — Ansgar Hudde and Marita Jacob from the Department of Sociology and Social Psychology at the University of Cologne, Germany — it became clear that life satisfaction is not the only outcome worth considering when it comes to parenting.
“Parenthood contributes to meaning for all groups, no matter how intense their parenting is or how challenging their circumstances,” the authors said. It’s not as though parenthood cannot be satisfying, but it depends on how demanding the experience is.
“For fathers, on average, parenting is less intense and comes with lower burdens in terms of time, physical and emotional energy than for mothers,” the authors explain, highlighting how gender roles can impact life satisfaction as a parent.
Here are three reasons why, despite its challenges, parenthood can enhance parents’ meaning in life, according to the study.
1. They Can Focus On A Hopeful Future
Parenthood is future-oriented. Parents may have to go through sleepless nights to look after their toddlers, change diapers day in and day out and face daily tantrums, but they’re willing to endure these challenges to give their children a good life.
Parents gain meaning from the difficulty of their sacrifices, if they feel purposeful. They may be willing to raise someone who can thrive in life by investing significant time, energy and resources in them with the hope of a good outcome.
For instance, parents may set aside a savings account for their children’s college education, even if they are juggling multiple jobs and trying to cope with daily stress and exhaustion. They may have to endure temporary pain, perhaps cut back on non-essential and even essential spending. But the act in itself carries meaning, so they may still see it as a hopeful sacrifice.
Prior research has found that living with children can reduce life satisfaction for individuals with challenging circumstances, such as single parents, those with a lower socioeconomic status or residents of countries lacking supportive policies.
Even then, they find a strong sense of meaning in the act of parenting. This suggests that life satisfaction is situational, whereas meaning is tied to future aspirations.
“We would expect that the ‘meaning premium’ is greatest during the very first period after childbirth, but that some portion remains for life,” the authors noted.
There may be times when the responsibilities parents hold weigh heavier than their sense of purpose, but their long-term goal of raising their child appears to remain a steady source of meaning.
2. Parenthood Is Oriented Toward Giving, Not Receiving
Life satisfaction is more closely linked to having one’s needs met, to one’s current well-being and hedonic happiness. In contrast, meaning in life involves having a sense of purpose and recognizing that one’s actions contribute to something greater than oneself.
Hedonic happiness may come from enjoyable experiences, such as vacations and parties, but meaning in life comes from being able to give back to society, which increases our sense of connection to others, strengthens our sense of self and the values we stand for. It also makes us feel like we are part of something bigger.
The latter is the case for parenting. Parents are aware that their children need and depend on them for their emotional and physical needs. This heightens their sense of significance. The bond they have with their children gives them a sense of belonging and emotional connection.
For family-oriented people, parenting also aligns with their core identity and values. But is it possible that individuals with a stronger sense of meaning are more likely to become parents in the first place?
“With the data we use — a large, cross-sectional study from many European countries — we cannot entirely rule out that people with a stronger sense of meaning are more likely to become parents in the first place,” the authors said, though they have another ongoing study to test this directly.
3. Other Goals Can Feel More Meaningful As A Result Of Parenting
Parents may find additional meaning in goals that aren’t necessarily related to parenting. For instance, they may hold onto a job they find repetitive, stressful or uninspiring. While it may not be enjoyable on a day-to-day basis, it can still be deeply meaningful for many parents because of what it represents, rather than what it feels like.
Jobs held by individuals from higher socioeconomic backgrounds often offer more opportunities to find or experience meaning in the workplace.
“People with higher socioeconomic status typically receive greater societal recognition, so they’re more likely to have society reflect back that what they do has purpose and meaning,” the authors note.
Such individuals may also have the option to quit or take a break from work — an option people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds may not have. They may be forced to stick to jobs they are unhappy with.
However, if their job helps them provide for their children, it gives them a reason to work. They feel the onus of responsibility and the need to contribute to the financial wellbeing of their family.
Childrearing also serves as a buffer against existential anxiety. It keeps parents rethinking their purpose in life, because taking care of their children often becomes their primary purpose.
However, parenting is not the only path to seeking meaning in life. The authors suggest that non-parents can also find greater purpose elsewhere, by finding meaningful opportunities in their work, for instance, in caregiving and teaching professions, or from volunteering.
“Such activities could be particularly powerful when they serve people who are especially in need: children from challenging family circumstances, the sick and poor, or people experiencing loneliness. Overall, there are countless ways we can contribute to something beyond ourselves,” the researchers explain.
As for parents, they also deserve all the support they can get. While happiness may not be what drives them, it is possible to experience both meaning and happiness in parenthood, should you choose it.
Are the challenges of parenthood getting to you? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Parental Burnout Assessment
