Sometimes, breakups are unavoidable and even more so is the pain that comes with them. However, as we try to heal, many of us think about going back to an ex to try working things out. Even when we know they’re not right for us or that we might be wrong for them, something keeps us stuck.
Breakups happen for many reasons. It could be due to shifting needs, incompatibility or even deeply hurtful factors like infidelity. They often leave you feeling sad, perhaps even depressed, agitated, low on self-esteem and high on anger and confusion.
Healing from a breakup is rarely a linear process, and it may even take as long as eight years to truly move on. Staying in touch with your ex only exacerbates the pain you feel and lengthens the process, but like many others, you might feel like you can’t help it.
Here are three reasons why you might be longing to get back with your ex.
1. You Feel Like You Have No Better Options
Feeling less hopeful about future dating partners or dating prospects in general may lead you to think that you have no better option than your ex. This can push you to reconcile.
After a breakup, the dating world can feel intimidating or underwhelming, especially if your past relationship had moments of comfort or connection that you still seek. But a scarcity mindset in relationships often distorts your perception of reality, making your ex seem like the “best you’ll ever get,” even if there are wonderful partners you’re yet to meet.
Interestingly, it’s the promise of emotional closeness which acts as a motivator for those seeking to reignite the relationship with their exes. A 2011 study on investment in romantic relationships shows that people are more likely to miss and want to reconnect with an ex if they remember that relationship as emotionally rewarding or intimate. This is especially true when their current or future partners don’t feel as emotionally fulfilling.
What keeps people emotionally tied to an ex isn’t necessarily just the fear of being alone or rejected by others. It’s the memory or belief that your ex offered a deep emotional connection that would be hard to replicate.
2. They Reach Out Inconsistently And You Fall For It
An on-and-off relationship is marked by cycles of breaking up and then reconciling. Such couples may decide to walk away from each other but inevitably get back together because they still feel tied to their ex-partner. However, such relationships rarely bode well for one’s mental health.
A 2009 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships highlights how relationships are more likely to last when people feel consistently satisfied instead of constantly chasing ups and downs. It also matters that they behave positively toward each other, have similar interests, shared activities and don’t see better alternatives outside the relationship.
However, on-and-off relationships are anything but stable. They’re often emotionally turbulent and cause anxiety and distress to both partners.
But if they want to be together, why do they break up in the first place? Researchers suggest that the reasons can vary: constant conflict, dissatisfaction with their time together or the urge to date other people.
“We weren’t growing, but we weren’t falling apart either,” said one male participant from the 2009 study, highlighting how relationship stagnation led to his breakup.
However, what matters more than what you say you want is what you eventually end up doing. You may have succeeded in staying away from your ex for some months, but one late-night “I miss you” text or a random comment on your post, and you end up crumbling.
When they reach out, you likely experience a dopamine hit and immediately start envisioning the possibility of a future together.
Longing for your ex is completely normal, especially if you haven’t grieved the relationship fully. It may also happen because you still view the relationship through rose-tinted glasses. You remember the one time they bought you flowers and you forget how rude or dismissive they may have been all those other times. You tell yourself that they were there for you when no one else was.
All these thoughts lead you spiraling down a rabbit hole you can’t seem to get out of.
But this is the time when you need to start picturing your past relationship holistically. What was it that really caused the breakup? Was it a big argument or was it the culmination of several smaller ones?
You might think that there’s still something real to salvage, but that’s not always the case. Whatever the reason for your relationship dissolution, you need to remind yourself that attraction alone cannot sustain a relationship.
Going back to a person because you had a good time with them or because you were used to their presence is not reason enough to be together, especially when you know deep down that there are chances of breaking up and experiencing the same emotional distress and heartbreak all over again.
3. You’re Still Chasing Closure
Perhaps you never fully got over your heartbreak. Your partner may have moved on before you did, and you feel like you never really got to say goodbye, especially if they’re already seeing other people. You may even keep going back to their social media profiles to obsessively check for signs that they’re dating other people, seriously or otherwise.
But of course, this doesn’t help you. If anything, it adds to your pain. You may be holding on to the need for closure or wanting to tie up loose ends with them, but often this is part of a resistance to change or accepting your new reality. In fact, it’s often that very need for closure that doesn’t allow you to move on.
Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that people with a high need for closure usually prefer what’s familiar and avoid situations that feel uncertain or confusing.
In other words, they like to stick to the status quo and shy away from uncertain emotional territory where they may not have all the answers. But in chasing closure, we miss out on being present in our lives and embracing the future. Sometimes, not knowing has to be enough.
Feeling breakup distress is normal. Think of these moments as a learning curve of what you want to leave behind or take forward in your future relationships, and work towards creating the life you truly want, with or without a partner.
How well are you handling your breakup? Take this science-backed test to find out: Breakup Distress Scale
