Believe it or not, many people come to therapy for guidance during dating. Especially when relationships are in their early stages, people may seek advice from a therapist if they’re unsure about a potential partner or an encounter with them. After a first date, they may ask their therapist things like:
- “I felt a little uncomfortable by how much they were willing to share with me, and by how much they expected me to share with them. Is that weird, or am I overthinking it?”
- “I was a little off-put by how insistent they were that I go home with them. Is that a valid way for me to feel, or are they just really into me?”
- “I honestly couldn’t tell where we stood once the date was over. I thought it went well, but I have no clue if they felt the same way.”
First dates can be precarious; we get nervous, and we desperately want to make a good impression. But, in doing so, we may overlook some serious red flags—perhaps out of fear of putting them off, or even just in the hopes that the relationship might stick. However, if your date displays any of the three following behaviors, it’s safe to say that a second date might not be worth it.
Red Flag #1: They Overshare, And They Expect The Same Of You
Imagine that the date starts off normally; you throw out some questions and statements in the hopes of getting to know them. However, after some time, the conversation takes a turn—and your attempts at friendly, introspective small talk have been deflected.
Suddenly, they turn conversation towards uncomfortable topics you’d never expect to be brought up during a first date—such as their “crazy” exes, their sexual histories or even their past traumas. And then, they look at you expectantly—waiting to hear similar stories. Or, worse, they think it’s your “turn,” and they begin hounding you with highly personal questions.
If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable during such situations, or imagine that you would, you’d have every right to feel that way. Oversharing, according to a 2015 study from the International Encyclopedia of the Social & Behavioral Sciences, reflects a large, critical issue: a lack of boundaries between private life and public life.
Closeness is something that is earned over time; once two people feel happy and comfortable enough in one another’s presence, conversations may naturally turn towards their pasts and their deeper thoughts. However, to expect unconditional honesty and closeness during a first date raises several red flags—and the same goes for expecting it to be returned. Skipping small talk in favor of the “deep stuff” might seem like a confident move, but at best, it reflects a lack of boundaries. And, at worst, it could point towards a lack of respect for yours too.
Red Flag #2: They Dismiss You If Don’t Give Them What They Want
Imagine the date is coming to a close. You’ve had a lovely time, but you’re a little tired—or a little tipsy—and ready to retreat to the comfort of your own space, to process the events of the evening, and to get some sleep. However, as you try to say your goodbyes, your date starts insisting on “Just one more drink,” or suggesting things like “Why don’t we keep this going? You could come back to my place.” Despite your several, polite “No, thanks,” they persist. Eventually, they become frustrated, and retort with “I bought you dinner, and this is the thanks I get?” or, “Whatever, I see how it is.”
Once again, feeling uncomfortable in such a situation is not only natural, but warranted. “Negotiation can quickly turn into manipulation when people don’t understand how to communicate in a healthy manner,” explains Taylor Counseling Group. They continue, “This is especially true if people never learned that they won’t always get their way. People who haven’t achieved emotional and intellectual maturity often don’t know how to handle disappointment, which can cause them to pressure others to get what they want.”
At best, someone who behaves this way during a first date is displaying transactional behavior; they don’t really value you as a person, they value what you can offer them in return for their time and money. And, at worst, the inability to take no for an answer could be indicative of something much more serious: narcissism. As the Taylor Counseling Group explains, “Narcissists can become easily upset with criticism and often lack empathetic feelings.” They continue, “Fearing disappointment or missing an opportunity to feel appreciated, a narcissist may push you to make decisions or pursue actions that satisfy their desires.”
Red Flag #3: You Can’t Tell If They Actually Cared About The Date—Or You
Imagine you’re halfway through the date, doing your best to spark conversation and get to know the person across the table. You’re asking thoughtful questions—adding little stories here and there—but their reactions are lukewarm at best. Maybe they respond to each question with a half-hearted “Oh, nice,” or a noncommittal “That’s cool.” Or, worse, you notice their eyes wandering around the room or glancing down at their phone every so often. By the end of the evening, despite your attempts, you’re left wondering if they actually enjoyed the date—or even cared about being there.
Feeling uneasy or insecure in such situations is completely natural—and a valid reaction, at that. A 2022 study from Personal Relationships notes how crucial perceived responsiveness is in relationships—describing it as the “bedrock of intimacy.”
For a potential relationship to flourish, both people need to feel seen and valued—and that starts with cues that show interest and attentiveness. When your date responds with nonchalance, it can feel like a personal rejection. Even if they don’t actually intend it that way, and really do care, without signals that they care about what you’re sharing, it’s impossible to gauge if they actually value you. You’ll just be left wondering whether you’re even on the same page.
In most cases, aloof airiness hints at emotional unavailability: a sign that they’re either unwilling or unable to connect on a deeper level. If their indifference leaves you questioning whether they care if you get home safely—or whether they’ll even think about you afterward—they’re likely uninvested.
The first steps in discerning whether a relationship is possible with someone usually requires, at the very least, a basic sense of reciprocity and effort. If they can’t offer that on a first date, take it as a sign that they won’t be able to later on. After all, the foundation for a healthy relationship is laid early on—and if responsiveness is missing from the get-go, walking away might be the best option.
Does the fear of being single cause you to turn a blind eye to red flags? Take this science-backed test to find out: Fear Of Being Single Scale
