Many people come to therapy when they feel a sudden disconnection between themselves and their partner. They may say things like:
- “We’ve always shared our feelings with one another, and talked all the time—about anything and everything. Now our conversations feel almost one-sided.”
- “We used to discuss our hopes and dreams for the future with one another, but now I can barely get them to agree to a dinner date. I don’t know what changed.”
- “No matter how hard I try to be a good partner, they always find a reason to snap at me. Even my attempts at affection or closeness are met with anger.”
The sad reality of love and relationships is that, no matter how hard we try, people’s feelings can change. Yet, despite this change, people may still choose to remain in the relationship—sometimes out of comfort, and sometimes out of fear. Although the person may actively choose to stay, there will be noticeable changes in their behavior. They may be physically present, but the same cannot be said emotionally.
A 2000 study confirms this solemn reality. It was found that when a partner remains in a relationship they’d prefer to exit, they will employ certain strategies to create “psychological distance” between themselves and the other. By allowing them to feel mentally and emotionally removed from the other, these strategies serve to attenuate the discomfort of remaining in a relationship they feel no longer serves them.
According to the author, there are three main distancing behaviors that a partner will use when they’ve lost interest in their relationship. Here’s how to tell if your partner is using them against you.
1. Detachment
When a partner wants to create distance between themselves and the other, they will either subtly or overtly express as much detachment as they can; this serves to create distance by limiting the extent to which they engage with the other. By remaining short, neutral and indifferent, they deflect the other partner’s attempts at closeness—keeping them always at arm’s length.
On the receiving end, it may seem as though your partner has become less passionate or interested in conversations, shared activities or the relationship itself. They may avoid showing agreement or enthusiasm in conversations. If you check in with them—whether about their day, if they’re enjoying their meal or about plans you have—they’ll avoid giving you straight yes or no answers. They’ll opt instead for “I don’t know,” “it doesn’t matter” or “whatever.”
Additionally, they may exhibit a noticeable lack of warmth or affection. Hugs, kisses and sex may become rare or feel perfunctory. The once spontaneous gestures of love and care may disappear—replaced by a cold and distant demeanor.
You might also find them increasingly absorbed in their own world, whether it’s through hobbies, work or social activities that don’t involve you. This withdrawal into their personal space serves as a buffer—placing you at a safe distance, mentally and emotionally far away.
2. Non-Involvement
A partner vying to distance themselves from another will also avoid involvement as much as humanly possible. By limiting the discussion of any future plans or events, as well as any real attempts at communication, they avoid any commitments or promises of connection.
They will be as vague, evasive and hesitant as possible in terms of anything that would involve the both of you. Posed plans or invitations might be met with “maybe” or “we’ll see”—and any probing regarding their changes in behavior will result in “we can talk about this another time” or “not now.”
In practice, this means they might dodge discussions about upcoming holidays, joint projects or long-term goals. You might find them suddenly too busy to make definite plans, or they may cancel previously arranged dates without rescheduling. Their lack of enthusiasm for future engagements is a clear sign that they are mentally and emotionally disengaging from the relationship.
Moreover, their communication style will become increasingly superficial. Conversations and debates that once delved deep into your interests, dreams, opinions and feelings will now be reduced to mundane, surface-level topics. They may show a marked disinterest in your life events—avoiding meaningful dialogue or any topics that require some kind of emotional investment altogether.
Ultimately, by withdrawing from any form of involvement, they create a barrier that prevents the relationship from progressing or even maintaining its current state. This non-involvement is a strategy to reduce their emotional burden and subtly signal their waning interest.
3. Antagonism
When a partner has lost interest in the relationship, they may resort to antagonism as a method of creating distance. This can manifest in both passive and active forms of aggression, all in order to shut you out and discourage further attempts at closeness.
Passive-aggressive behavior is often subtle, and might be difficult to identify. Your partner might express their dissatisfaction through indirect actions rather than direct communication. They may give you the silent treatment, refuse to engage in conversation or acknowledge your presence. They might even deliberately delay or “forget” to do things that are important to you or the relationship. And rather than addressing issues directly, they might use sarcasm or make snide remarks.
Active-aggressive behavior is more overt. They may frequently criticize you, or even blame you for problems in the relationship or in their personal life. They might have sudden, inexplicable outbursts of anger over minor issues, and your shared environment might become tense and hostile. Flat-out displays of contempt or disrespect—such as eye-rolling, scoffing or mocking—can also become more common.
Regardless of whether the aggression is passive or active, the result is the same: you’ll feel shut out and unwelcome. A mixture of these distancing behaviors can create a toxic atmosphere—one where communication and connection become close to impossible. It can leave you feeling constantly on edge, unsure of how to approach your partner and, worst, severely emotionally neglected.
Is your partner losing interest in you? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to receive a science-backed answer.
