No parent has it all figured out from the start, but through trial and error and a whole lot of love, you get to grow alongside your children. In the book, A Contented Child in 28 Days, Harvard psychologist Richard Bromfield lays out a structured approach to breaking cycles of overindulgence and raising children who are emotionally secure and truly content.
As he explores what makes children feel fulfilled, he also warns of a growing obstacle in modern parenting: the culture of instant gratification. Gone are the days of waiting for Saturday morning cartoons or saving up for months to buy a toy. Entertainment is available with a tap of a screen; purchases usually arrive within hours and rewards come with little to no effort.
Bromfield argues that when children constantly receive what they want the moment they want it, they struggle to develop patience and resilience. In his book, he identifies some of the most common ways modern children experience instant gratification and how parents can counteract these patterns.
The Importance Of Delayed Gratification
One of the most effective ways to counteract instant gratification is to teach children how to wait. Bromfield stresses that delayed gratification is a skill that must be actively developed, as today’s world rarely enforces it naturally.
A 2024 study published in Applied Developmental Science conducted in Singapore examined how delayed gratification impacts young children’s development. Researchers followed nearly 3,000 preschoolers over two years. They measured the children’s ability to wait for a reward, their working memory and their self-control. Later, they assessed the children’s academic achievement and behavioral patterns.
The findings suggest that children who were better at delaying gratification at a young age performed better in reading and math and had fewer behavioral issues later on. The study also found that self-control and working memory played a key role in developing patience. This reinforces Bromfield’s argument that learning to wait is not just about discipline—it’s about shaping your child’s long-term success.
Here are three ways you can get your children more comfortable with delayed gratification.
1. Creating ‘Waiting Experiences’ In Daily Life
Bromfield argues that waiting should be a normal, everyday experience for children. You can implement intentional waiting periods—such as delaying screen time until after chores are completed, making your children save up for non-essential items or setting a family rule where they must wait 10 minutes before getting a snack.
These small, everyday exercises train children to tolerate frustration and develop self-control, making patience a natural habit. One crucial factor influencing a child’s ability to delay gratification is rooted in how they perceive “rewards.”
Research published in Frontiers in Psychology found that children who focus on personal achievement and success (self-enhancement values) are more likely to wait for a bigger reward, while those who prioritize security and tradition (conservation values) prefer immediate rewards because they may not trust that the future reward will come.
This suggests that a child’s motivation to delay gratification is influenced by both their desire for greater rewards and their confidence in actually receiving them. Here are some practical ways you can create waiting experiences to help your children develop patience and self-control.
- Introduce “earned” rewards. Instead of immediate access to toys or treats, tie them to effort-based achievements (for example, completing chores before watching TV). This helps children associate rewards with patience and effort rather than expecting instant gratification.
- Use a “save to spend” approach. Give children opportunities to save up for special items, whether it’s money, stickers or tokens that accumulate toward a bigger reward. This helps reinforce the idea that delayed gratification leads to better rewards in the future.
- Teach abstract thinking about rewards. Help children think about a treat as an object (For example, “this is just a round cookie” instead of “this is something delicious I want right now”) to reduce immediate temptation.
While delaying gratification is not always the right choice, having the ability to do so when necessary is crucial for long-term success. Without the skills to manage impulse control, children may struggle to make thoughtful and strategic decisions as they grow.
2. Letting Boredom Do Its Job
In an era of constant stimulation, boredom has become something to avoid at all costs. The moment a child expresses even the slightest hint of restlessness, parents often rush to fill the void—handing over a tablet, turning on a show or offering a new toy. However, Bromfield argues that boredom is not a problem—it’s a necessity.
Boredom acts as a crucial catalyst for creativity and problem-solving. When a child is left without any instant distraction, their brain is forced to engage in imaginative thinking.
Research published in the Journal of Intelligence explores how toddlers interact with technology, revealing that some level of distraction and mind-wandering can enhance learning—especially when supported by a caregiver. This was demonstrated through a case study of Ryan, a toddler under three years old, who was introduced to an iPad for the first time.
The study found that:
- Mind-wandering can enhance learning. When Ryan experienced moments of distraction but remained engaged, he developed stronger navigation skills. His ability to switch between apps and explore new features demonstrated creativity and problem-solving.
- Emotions shape learning outcomes. While frustration combined with boredom can hinder progress, when boredom is paired with curiosity and persistence, it fosters creativity and deeper problem-solving skills.
These findings suggest that allowing toddlers to experience moments of mind-wandering—rather than constantly redirecting their attention—can support cognitive development, particularly when guided by a supportive caregiver.
When children are habitually rescued from boredom, they never develop the ability to entertain themselves, leading to restlessness and an increased dependence on external sources of entertainment.
Bromfield emphasizes the fact that you should let your child sit with boredom and allow them the space to naturally find ways to occupy themselves. You can also model this by engaging in slower and screen-free activities so that children see boredom as an opportunity for creativity rather than discomfort.
Additionally, setting structured “unplugged” time each day—where children have no access to screens or pre-planned entertainment—can help them rediscover the joy of self-directed play and curiosity. Over time, this practice trains them to embrace unstructured moments rather than seek immediate gratification through passive entertainment.
Ultimately, Bromfield argues that when you allow children to experience natural moments of stillness, they are helping them develop creativity and emotional endurance—qualities that will serve them far better in life than any instant distraction ever could.
3. Using ‘Not Now’ Instead Of ‘No’
Bromfield introduces the “Not Now” strategy, a parenting approach that teaches children patience and delayed gratification by postponing, rather than denying their requests.
This method acknowledges a child’s desires while setting clear boundaries, helping them develop emotional resilience and self-control. For example, if a child asks for a treat before dinner, instead of saying “no,” a parent might respond, “Not now, but you can have one after we eat.” This response reassures the child that their request is valid while reinforcing the idea that rewards come with appropriate timing.
The effectiveness of this strategy aligns with findings from the renowned Stanford marshmallow experiment conducted by psychologist Walter Mischel in the 1970s. This study showed that children who could wait for a larger reward instead of taking an immediate one—tended to have better academic performance, healthier habits and stronger self-discipline later in life.
To successfully implement the “Not Now” strategy, parents should:
- Set clear expectations. Specify when and under what conditions the request will be granted.
- Be consistent. Regularly reinforcing this approach helps children internalize the concept of waiting.
- Offer engaging alternatives. Providing a distraction, like a small task or a different activity, makes the waiting period more manageable.
By incorporating “not now” into everyday interactions, parents create a structured way to help children develop patience, understand boundaries and learn that while their needs are acknowledged, instant gratification isn’t always the answer.
Parenting For The Long Run
Parenting is not about perfection. It’s more about guiding children toward becoming resilient and independent individuals.
At its core, parenting is about preparing—helping children build the confidence to create their own joy and the strength to wait for what truly matters. It’s important to remember that your job is to give them the tools to build a meaningful life for themselves.
Does parenting currently feel more exhausting than rewarding for you? Take this science-backed test to find out if you are experiencing “parental burnout”: Parental Burnout Assessment
