“I came out of the dates not only feeling more understood, but also feeling excited about the future we can build together,” says Julia Naftulin for Business Insider. This was her testimony after going on each of the Gottmans’ eight essential dates—as outlined in their 2019 novel, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, there are few things as important in a romantic relationship as date nights. Communication, however, is on par with the importance of dates. Thus, they suggest every couple—no matter how long they’ve been together—combine these two factors, and attempt to go on each of their eight conversation-based dates.
The first four of the dates—the conversations of which center around trust, conflict, sex and money—are the perfect starting point for couples to discuss the foundational aspects of a relationship in a way that everyday conversation rarely allows for. The final four dates, however, allow couples to truly begin working towards a “lifetime of love.”
Here’s a walkthrough of the final four dates, including the Gottmans’ tips on how to plan them effectively.
1. Room To Grow: Family
This date centers around the topic of family—either existing, or a potential one. While this may seem like a bold conversation to have early on in a relationship, or redundant if you already have children, it is nevertheless essential.
John Gottman’s own longitudinal study found that couples with children often experience a staggering 67% drop in marital satisfaction after having children. “There’s no doubt that children need, demand, and deserve your love, time and attention,” explain the Gottmans, “but this shouldn’t be at the expense of your primary relationship with each other.”
- Suggestions. Partners should place the idea of building a family together at the forefront of their minds during this date. Ideally, according to the Gottmans, this date should “either serve as inspiration for the family you’d like to create with each other, or as inspiration to recommit to whatever birth control you have chosen.”
- Location. This date should take place in an area that families with children generally tend to gather—such as a playground, a park or an amusement park. “Find a quiet spot where you can see the family activities,” they suggest, “but can still focus on each other and your conversation.”
- Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to discuss what family means to each partner. Do you want to have children, or have more? How do you, as a unit, define what family means? What does your ideal family look like, and how does it compare to your families of origin? Importantly, does family necessitate children?
- What to bring/prepare. The Gottmans recommend couples bring any ideas they have regarding what kind of family they dream of in the future, as well as—very importantly—their ideas on how they will prioritize their relationship once children are in the picture. Remember to be open-minded, honest and uncritical regarding one another’s stances. “If you already have children,” they mention, “appreciate your partner for their support as a co-parent.”
- Post-date affirmations. Once you’ve completed this dates’ discussion, look each other in the eye and take turns to repeat this affirmation: “I commit to creating a loving family. If we do have children, I commit to avoiding destructive conflict and continuing to make our relationship a priority.”
2. Play With Me: Fun And Adventure
This date focuses on rekindling the spark through shared playfulness and adventure. Having fun together isn’t just a bonus in a relationship; according to the Gottmans, it’s essential for maintaining connection and excitement as a couple.
“Our lives and relationships are better, brighter, and more fun when we remember to play, when we inject some adventure,” explain the Gottmans. Whether you’ve been together for a few months or a few decades, this date is all about rediscovering what brings out your playful, spontaneous sides.
- Suggestions. The trick to this date lies in spontaneity and curiosity. Partners should do their best to research something novel and playful that piques both of their interest. “You can look up hidden locations near you at AtlasObscura.com and explore one of them with your partner as you talk through the questions,” suggest the Gottmans. Or, “You can also explore Geocaches near you—a kind of adult treasure hunt game.”
- Location. This date should be either somewhere you’ve both never been before, or a familiar place you intend to visit with new, playful intentions. The Gottmans make a variety of suggestions—such as climbing up a tree, a body of water, or even following a random car and choosing their final destination as your own.
- Conversation topic. Talk about what “play” and “adventure” mean to each of you. What’s one of the most fun memories you’ve had together? Are there any dreams of adventure you’ve had that haven’t been fulfilled? Discuss ways you can bring more spontaneity into your everyday life together.
- What to bring/prepare. Prepare to discuss any and every way you’d like to incorporate more play into your relationship. Look for similarities in both of your ideas, try your best to be open, and be ready to step out of your comfort zone.
- Post-date affirmations. Confirm your commitment to adventure and playfulness to one another after your date with this affirmation: “I commit to playing and having an adventure together, and to making play a part of our daily lives together going forward.”
3. Something To Believe In: Growth And Spirituality
This date invites you both to explore your spiritual beliefs, personal values and commitment to growth. This date is an opportunity to dive deeper into the beliefs and values that shape who you are as individuals and as a couple.
It’s not necessarily about religious beliefs, but rather a chance to share what gives you a sense of meaning, purpose and inspiration. “In every relationship, like in life, the only constant is change,” the Gottmans remind us. “The key is how each person in the relationship accommodates the growth of the other partner.”
- Suggestions. The end goal of this date is to honor one another and your journeys of growth. Consider looking back at old photos and videos together, or collecting sentimental keep-sakes that remind you of how far you’ve both come. Bring them along to the date for old (and future) time’s sake.
- Location. “For this date you’ll go to a place that feels beautiful and sacred to both of you,” explain the Gottmans. Choose a place that promotes a sense of peace, reflection and open conversation. This could be a place of worship, a local botanical garden, a quiet hiking trail—or even a cozy spot at home with candles and comfortable seating.
- Conversation topic. Discuss how growth, change and spirituality guide your lives—and your relationship. How have you both grown since finding one another? How do you each find purpose and meaning? How can you support each other in personal growth and the pursuit of these beliefs? Talk about what inspires you and how you might incorporate shared reflective rituals (e.g. during dinnertime, morning routines, holidays or weekends) into your relationship.
- What to bring/prepare. Along with your keepsakes, bring a humble and curious mindset. Remember to ask questions to get a clear understanding of your partners’ personal views, and try your best not to shy away from the scarier aspects of the discussions—such as death or afterlife.
- Post-date affirmations. After your conversation, hold hands and repeat the affirmation: “I commit to growing and learning together and seeking shared meaning within our relationship. I also commit to creating three shared rituals for connection.”
4. A Lifetime Of Love: Dreams
The final date is about looking forward together, imagining the life and dreams you wish to build as a couple. As the Gottmans explain, “A dream is something you long for, and if you don’t share that longing, or even allow your partner to know about that longing, conflict will happen.” Hiding your dreams, in this sense, is to hide one the greatest parts of yourself—making this date unimaginably important.
- Suggestions. For this date, consider an activity that lets you see beyond the day-to-day and dream big. This could be something like visiting a scenic overlook and talking about your future together or planning a “bucket list” of dreams.
- Location. “If there is a place that is important to a dream you share (buying a house in a particular neighborhood or opening a bakery in a certain commercial district),” the Gottmans note, “then go to this place that is a part of your dreams for your date.” The main point is to find a spot that inspires you both—even if it feels bold or scary.
- Conversation topic. Talk about the dreams you have for yourselves individually and as a couple. Where do you see yourselves in five, ten or 20 years? What goals, both big and small, would you like to achieve together? This is also a chance to discuss how you can support each other in reaching these dreams and to set intentions for the future.
- What to bring/prepare. “Bring an open mind and heart,” suggest the Gottmans. Most importantly, refrain from belittling or contradicting one another’s dreams. During this date, anything is possible; ask big questions, give big answers and find ways to turn your dreams into waking realities.
- Post-date affirmations. When your conversation is done, share this affirmation together: “I commit to fully exploring and understanding your dreams and to doing one thing to support one of your dreams in the next six months.”
Are date nights a thing of the past in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out if it’s cause for concern: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
