It’s not at all an uncommon experience to be deeply caring and understanding, and yet struggle deeply to apply that same kindness inward. You might view self-compassion as a lower order priority compared to being outwardly kind and generous; you might even think that you simply don’t deserve it as much as your friends and family. However, when you refrain from extending yourself the kindness that you readily give to others, you deprive your own well-being in ways that research shows are vitally important.
Here are four signs that you may be missing out on self-compassion, and what science says about how to change that.
1. Your Inner Voice Is Harsher Than Anything You’d Say To Others
Self-criticism is one of the primary reasons people struggle to be compassionate to themselves. For instance, should a friend or family member need support after making a mistake, you likely wouldn’t have any difficulty in using comforting, patient tones in order to console them. You’d tell them not to be too hard on themselves and remind them that everybody makes mistakes sometimes. However, if that mistake was your own, your internal monologue might be much sharper, as well as far less forgiving.
As unfortunate as this is, it’s also a pattern that’s supported by research. Specifically, a 2018 study published in Mindfulness found that people tend to feel significantly more compassion for others than they do for themselves. However, it’s also noted that self-compassion (and not compassion just for others) is more strongly linked to well-being, such as lower depression and greater positive emotions.
2. You Prioritize Everyone Else’s Needs Above Your Own
Individuals who struggle with self-compassion are known to make a habit of consistently putting others first, even when it’s at the cost of their own emotional or physical well-being. For example, you might overwork yourself, ignore your own boundaries or take on more than you can safely handle — all because you believe others “deserve” your time and energy more than you do.
Although it’s incredibly admirable to care so deeply for others, neglecting yourself will only make it harder for you to continue to do so, as it will leave you burned out, resentful and highly stressed.
In this sense, being self-compassionate isn’t selfish. It’s simply an act of acknowledging your own suffering as just as valid and worthy of care as others’, which your mind and body will thank you for. Prioritizing your well-being in this way doesn’t mean you care less about others, but rather that you’re creating a sustainable foundation from which you can genuinely help.
3. You Forgive Others Easily But Can’t Let Go Of Your Own Mistakes
Those who struggle with self-compassion typically find it difficult to practice self-forgiveness. You might, for instance, find yourself shrugging off other people’s errors, yet replay your own missteps on a loop and ruminate constantly about how you could’ve done better. This double standard is a hallmark of low self-compassion. While you may extend forgiveness outward, you have trouble granting it inward.
As 2020 research published in the Journal of Happiness Studies explains, this is partly due to the fact that self-compassion involves accepting “common humanity”: the understanding that suffering is part of being human. In other words, our pain, losses, grief, disappointments, unfairnesses, setbacks, frustrations and, yes, even our failures and mistakes are what connect us to others; they’re nothing to be ashamed of.
However, many of us neglect this when it comes to ourselves. Over-identification with our failures (another component of self-compassion) can, in turn, make it very hard to soothe ourselves.
4. You Struggle To Accept Support Or Kindness
Individuals who lack self-compassion are often fantastic at giving support to others. But when someone offers them help, comfort or praise, they’re usually prone to decline or push it away. You might feel as though you’re undeserving of this kindness; you might even feel outright uncomfortable receiving it, and that you’d rather power through your problems alone.
This resistance to self-care and receiving compassion typically stems from deep-seated beliefs that are often related to masculinity and individualism: “If I accept help, I’m weak,” or “I should be able to handle things on my own.”
However, further 2022 research from Mindfulness shows that receiving compassion from others can actually help you build your self-compassion over time. That is, when people feel as though they have support from others, their capacity to care for themselves increases, which in turn reduces distress and helps them thrive.
Why This Pattern Happens
Understanding why you’re compassionate to others but not to yourself can help you interrupt the cycle. Often, there’s several psychological and social factors at play behind this dynamic:
- Early conditioning. If you were raised in an environment that valued self-sacrifice, stoicism or “toughness,” you may have internalized the belief that taking care of yourself is either selfish or indulgent. And over time, this mindset becomes automatic: helping others feels natural, while prioritizing your own makes you feel guilty or uncomfortably.
- Perfectionism. A strong drive for perfection can easily tip over into the territory of relentless self-criticism. This is because perfectionistic tendencies are usually closely linked to fear of failure and harsh self-judgment. In this sense, when your every mistake feels magnified, it’s difficult to treat yourself with the same patience and understanding you give to others.
- Shame and fear of vulnerability. Opening yourself to care (whether from others or yourself) can feel risky. Vulnerability is often misinterpreted as a sign of weakness or fragility, which leaves many people reluctant to accept support or practice self-compassion.
However, it’s important to note that these tendencies aren’t fixed; you aren’t doomed to repeat them for eternity if you don’t want to. This is because, like a skill or a muscle, self-compassion can be learned and strengthened.
How To Start Practicing Self-Compassion
Becoming as kind to yourself as you are to others is something that will take deliberate, practical steps, especially if you’ve never made it a habit before. For beginners, it’s best to start small in order to build consistency:
- Pause and notice. When you catch yourself criticizing or rushing past your own needs, take a moment to pause. Notice your thoughts and feelings, without judging yourself for having them. Simply acknowledging them and where they may be coming from is enough to create space for kindness.
- Talk to yourself like a friend. Imagine how you would respond to a close friend in the same situation. Speak to yourself in the same compassionate, understanding tone. More importantly, always remind yourself that mistakes and struggles are an important part of being human.
- Set boundaries and prioritize needs. Give yourself permission to say no when necessary, to rest when you’re tired and to take time for activities that recharge you. Self-compassion must start with protecting your own energy.
- Practice small acts of kindness toward yourself. This could be as simple as taking a warm bath, making (or ordering) your favorite meal, or even just allowing yourself to have a lazy day. Even small gestures send a message that your well-being matters.
- Accept support from others. Letting others help or care for you is not a sign of weakness. Accepting kindness is a great way to reinforce your sense of worth, as it strengthens your capacity to be compassionate toward yourself.
Self-compassion is a skill, not a personality trait. In this sense, if you take the time and effort needed to build it, you’ll be rewarded with a greater foundation for resilience, balance and genuine well-being.
Do you struggle practicing self-compassion? Take this science-backed test to find out why: Unconditional Self-Acceptance Questionnaire
