Dating involves a fair bit of uncertainty. It’s impossible to always know why you’re losing a connection, especially when you constantly put in the effort to nurture your relationships.
First, there was ghosting. Then there was orbiting. And now, there’s “summer shading.” This new dating trend refers to a sudden pause in a budding romance during the hot summer months. It means one partner in the relationship (or situationship) is left “in the shade” as the other cools off the connection without warning.
If you were seeing someone and your contact with them slows down abruptly, it may indicate a sign of summer shading. You may find them avoiding plans, texts and even refusing to communicate with you about their sudden behavioral change. But, they don’t break up with you or reject you straight away either.
Summer shading is like pressing “pause” on the relationship, often with vague reassurances or hints that things may resume once summer fades into fall. Hily Dating App expert Julie Nguyen shares four clear signs you’re being summer shaded:
- They text less often
- They plan dates less frequently
- They fill up their social calendar (but you’re not in it)
- They ghost you (but not entirely)
This might be because the person shading you is looking to travel, have beach days and make the most of their summer without being committed. They may also want to date casually or seek out multiple partners for “summer fun,” while blowing you off.
A 2012 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that people in the U.S. tend to have more sex during two specific times of the year: winter holidays and early summers. Sexual activity goes up, especially during December and January, often called the “holiday season effect,” while the early summer period from May to July is referred to as the “summer vacation effect.”
But just because someone is interested in sex does not mean they’re looking for emotional depth. Some people may only intend to “have fun” without any strings attached. Someone that’s summer shading you might try to make plans with you every once in a while, but they’re likely not consistent. As a result, you may be left in the shade without even realizing it.
Here are three ways to navigate being summer shaded by someone.
1. Do Not Rely On Their Intent
Nguyen explains that when someone summer shades you, they hit you with excuses like “I’m slammed,” “My friends are in town” or “I’m traveling soon,” despite never having mentioned it before, every time you try to make plans with them.
If you ask them to reschedule, they’ll give you vague assurances like “We’ll figure something out soon!” Except, they never do, leaving you frustrated as you keep trying to make it work.
Sociologists call this kind of dodging discursive vagueness: when someone uses unclear, open-ended words to avoid making actual commitments. In planning theory, it’s a smart strategy used under pressure when people don’t really want to take the lead but need to seem cooperative.
Leaders tend to be intentionally vague in their language and visuals when forced to plan the course of their action in difficult situations. In dating, this vagueness is a soft “no” in disguise.
The person summer shading you doesn’t want to commit, but they don’t want to be the bad guy either, so they keep you hanging in the limbo of “sometime” and “maybe.”
Unfortunately, if someone wanted to make a relationship work, they would give you a clear indication of it. If they’re always vague, that is the plan. So, stop relying on their intent and start counting on their actions instead. This will help you gain the clarity you need to move on.
2. Make Plans Of Your Own
When you’re being summer shaded, you’ll always see the other person out with their friends, but they seem more reluctant to make plans with you. They came back from their summer trip, and now they have work to attend to or some friends’ birthdays to organize — their calendar is always full. Any space they may have gets booked under “me” time, so you never find out if they actually have any time for you or not.
The more it happens, the more disposable you start to feel. If their schedule only clears up for you when it’s convenient or when no one else is around, it can make you feel like a backup plan, not someone they’re actually excited to see.
This is why you need to deprioritize them and start making time for yourself. Start taking care of yourself by nourishing yourself with food, sleep, exercise, beloved hobbies or even your own travel plans.
In the summer, you’re also likely to find other friends to hang out with or even someone else to date that would value your time and connection more. Do not make someone your sole priority, especially if you’re not theirs.
3. Do Not Let Them Treat You Like A Backup Plan
When a relationship’s been put on ice, the other person refuses to let go of you entirely. They never fully ghost you, but they never treat you that well either. They may even leave you wondering if you’re together at all.
But why do such people keep others as backups? While a fear of commitment or a lack of interest in serious relationships may play a role, a 2017 study published in Communication Research Reports found that people who are more sexually unrestricted, i.e., open to casual sex and multiple partners and high on sensation-seeking (seeking thrill or excitement) are more likely to have “back burner” connections.
It’s always best to rely on their actions rather than words, especially if you don’t know them too well or if they seem too unresponsive. Their mixed signals are not a sign of emotional availability.
If someone keeps you second-guessing and canceling plans time and time again, even when you tell them you’re eager to see them, they’re likely only keeping you around as an option.
You may find the duration between their responses getting longer and the texts and calls getting shorter or stopping entirely. Their “Let’s catch up soon” message may keep replaying in your head, but you almost never get to see them and spend quality time with them during the summer months.
If this is the case, it’s time to assess their intent, as well as your own. Ask yourself if you want something short-term or if you’re looking for something serious. If your date has moved on, so should you. Don’t let someone steal your joy.
Enjoy the season and spend time with those who truly care. Catch up with your friends and family, go to the beach and go on holiday. But don’t pace around your room and check your phone all day long for a text or a call that may never come.
Being summer shaded can make you feel lonely, even if you’re still talking to someone. Take this science-backed test to find out how it’s affecting you: Loneliness In Intimate Relationships Scale
