Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience. It impacts each person differently, and it often surprises us with its many twists and turns. During times of bereavement, or in attempts to understand the process of grief, many refer to the pioneering model of The Five Stages of Grief. Conceptualized by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 novel, On Death and Dying, these five stages have become a beacon of understanding for laypeople and academics alike.
While many may be familiar with Kübler-Ross’s model, many are unaware of the fact that its application extends far beyond the realm of death. In reality, research shows that grief and its many stages can take hold after any significant life change. Outside of the loss of a loved one, one of the most common times to experience grief is at the end of a romantic relationship.
Through Kübler-Ross’s model, the peaks and valleys of post-breakup grief can be understood, allowing for a smoother journey through heartache and healing.
Stage 1: Denial
The day after a breakup, you might think to yourself, “This can’t be real.” Denial often marks the initial stages of bereavement, as it does with post-breakup grief too.
In this phase, individuals may struggle to accept the reality of the relationship’s end, clinging to hopes of reconciliation or believing it’s just a temporary setback. Thoughts may revolve around disbelief and a desire to return to the way that things once were. The mind may concoct heart wrenching scenarios in which the breakup never happened, or where there’s still a chance to salvage the relationship.
To survive this first stage, it’s essential to acknowledge and validate your emotions. At the same time, it’s also necessary to gradually confront the truth of your situation. Avoidance can be incredibly tempting during times of heartache, but facing reality is the first step towards healing.
Stage 2: Anger
As the breakup sinks in, and denial fades away, your thoughts may shift to, “How could they do this to me?”
Anger emerges as a prominent emotion in the grieving process. In this second stage, feelings of betrayal, resentment and injustice towards the ex-partner or yourself may surface. Your thoughts might be consumed by blame, or even by fantasies of retaliation. This profound anger can be directed inwards–leading to feelings of self-loathing or inadequacy–or outwards–resulting in conflicts with others.
It’s vital to understand that anger is a natural part of the grieving process, especially so in the case of a breakup. However, it’s equally crucial for these feelings to be expressed constructively. Suppressing or ignoring anger can intensify feelings of frustration and impede the healing process significantly.
Expressing emotions through more productive outlets–such as journaling, exercise or talking to a trusted confidant–can help release pent up frustrations and facilitate healing.
Stage 3: Bargaining
In the days following the breakup, you may find yourself wishing, “If only I had done things differently.” This mental cycling through alternative outcomes marks the start of the third stage, bargaining.
During this stage, many attempt to negotiate with fate or former partners in a desperate bid to salvage the relationship. You may find yourself replaying past events, wondering if things could have been different, or making promises of change in exchange for reconciliation. This process usually reflects a desire to regain control over the situation by alleviating feelings of loss and uncertainty.
As promising as it may feel in the moment, bargaining is a futile process that often only serves to prolong your healing process. For instance, bids to rekindle a dead romance could be an attempt to avoid the prospect of vulnerability and intimacy with someone new. Instead of focusing on what once was or what maybe could’ve been, engage with the present. Take time to nurture your emotional well-being by focusing on building a fulfilling life independent of your past.
Stage 4: Depression
As weeks pass, you may find yourself thinking, “I don’t know how to go on without them.” Depression–the fourth stage–intensifies as the reality of the breakup sets in.
Albeit harrowing, depression is a natural response to loss and represents the emotional depth of grief. During this time, feelings of sadness, loneliness and despair may come to the forefront. Your thoughts may center around loss, regrets and uncertainties about the future. It’s even common to experience a profound sense of emptiness and hopelessness during this stage. The pain of separation can feel overwhelming, and it may feel like it may never end.
While it’s natural to mourn the loss of a relationship, a prolonged depression stage may indicate the need for professional support. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and support as you navigate this difficult stage.
Stage 5: Acceptance
With time, you may notice a shift in perspective. In the final stage of post-breakup grief, you will gradually come to terms with the end of your relationship, and find yourself embracing the prospect of moving forwards.
Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean feeling okay or forgetting about the relationship. Rather, it entails finding peace with what transpired and integrating the experience into your life story. Your thoughts will shift from dwelling on what happened, and you will realize that while you can’t change your past, you can focus on your future. This final stage signifies readiness to let go of the pain and bitterness associated with the breakup and open oneself up to new experiences, and maybe even new relationships.
Grief has many different faces, and it is not a linear process. These stages may impact you more or less intensely than the next person. They may take different amounts of time to overcome. You might skip steps. You might even go back a few. However, by acknowledging and trusting this process and its finite nature, you can gradually find healing and peace. With patience and self-compassion, you will remember that you were a whole person before you met your ex, and that you still are. In time, you will feel whole again too.
