Imagine sitting in the kitchen, savoring the last bite of your pancake. As you swallow, the memory of the promise you made to yourself hits you like a truck: “No more sweets from today.”
The recollection of your promise fills you with regret and guilt, and you begin beating yourself up for not achieving your goal.
This is what an empathy gap looks like, where we tend to underestimate the influence of different mental states and emotions on our future behavior. As a result, we often make decisions and set goals based on our current moods rather than considering our future feelings.
This phenomenon, also known as the hot-cold valuation gap, occurs because people often misjudge their own and others’ behavior and preferences depending on their emotional state.
In other words, the empathy gap opens up when, in a rational, calm (cold state), one underestimates the impact of strong emotions (hot state) such as hunger, desire or fear on their actions and preferences. Conversely, in an emotional state, one can also fail to recognize how much their emotions are influencing them and wrongly believe their preferences to be stable.
Here are three ways to close the empathy gap and achieve better results.
1. Building Emergency Reserve As Fail-Safes To Protect Future Identity
When discussing identity, individuals often set lofty goals while in a cold mindset. This ambition, however, can lead to a “purity complex.” This would look like abandoning a goal completely and feeling like a failure if one isn’t able to hit every single check-point in the goal-setting plan from the get-go.
A 2021 study published in Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes found that having “emergency reserves” in goal-setting can significantly increase persistence after failure. These reserves transform feelings of failure into progress, making individuals feel more committed to their goals even after setbacks.
For example, let’s say you want to go to the gym seven days a week. You build in two emergency skip days for any reason—whether you get sick, have a busy schedule, or don’t feel like it.
This exercise bridges the empathy gap between your present and future self, acknowledging that life happens. Missing a day isn’t a threat to your identity as someone who goes to the gym regularly—it’s an expected part of the process.
2. Framing Your Goals In ‘Do’s’ Instead Of ‘Don’ts’
It’s easier to measure progress when taking proactive actions instead of abstaining from them. For example, saying, ‘I want to eat healthier, so I’ll start by eating a salad with every meal,’ is more trackable and motivating than saying, ‘I won’t eat junk food,’ which is hard to measure and less inspiring.
Research shows that the empathy gap affects our self-control, social judgments and decision-making. This explains why people often fail to stick to their goals and make poor decisions when influenced by strong desires.
Setting positive goals that focus on creating new behaviors is more effective than trying to stop current behaviors. Trying to stop your desires can feel like a monumental obstacle to overcome and is not sustainable, but creating a new behavior by setting small, realistic and achievable goals is not only rewarding but also accessible.
For instance, Let’s say your objective is to wake up at 4 am every day. It is unrealistic to set your alarm at 1:55 am, expecting to wake up refreshed at 4 am. Your desire to sleep when your alarm rings will likely override the optimism you felt while setting your alarm.
A more attainable approach is to allow yourself a month to adjust to this new routine gradually. Instead of insisting on waking up at 4 am, aim for a more adaptable goal like going to bed before midnight and waking up before 8 am. This might align better with your current lifestyle and also offers flexibility, making your goal more achievable.
3. Creating Compassion With Your Future Self
Self-compassion is far more beneficial than self-criticism when it comes to coping with failure and improving motivation. It involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding during times of failure or difficulty. Here’s how to be a cheerleader for your future self:
- Write letters or cheerful reminders. Write a letter or leave a cheerful reminder for your future self to open after achieving each milestone. This reinforces a positive connection and encourages challenges.
- Redefine failure. When failing to meet a goal, practice self-compassion. Redefine failure as a progress pillar—each failure is a sign that you have tried and are improving. For example, three failures mean you tried three times and are three times better than before.
- Visualize challenges. Visualize your future self facing obstacles and overcoming them. This can include daily hurdles for an immediate connection as well as bigger challenges and a reminder that your past self is cheering you on.
When setting a goal, it’s important to remember that your future self may feel differently about it than your present motivated self. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself and adjust your goals accordingly.
Unbridled optimism makes for loftier goals. Take the Realistic Optimism Scale to scientifically assess your ability to bridge the empathy gap.
