Dr. Orna Guralnik has a front-row seat to couples’ most pressing challenges—both as a clinical psychologist in New York City and the therapist featured in the popular docuseries Couples Therapy, where she coaches partners through communication blunders, unaddressed childhood traumas, and sexual disconnection in real time.
She’s been praised for her “ability to perceive the undercurrents between [couples] and her acumen in guiding them toward embracing new narratives about themselves and their relationships.” And since the show’s debut in 2019, Guralnik has gotten countless emails from people worldwide, asking for her take on the essential foundations of successful relationships, she tells Fortune.
What she often says is that, in a world progressively fueled by a drive to protect oneself, people tend to undermine the power of working with and learning from their partners. And her takeaway about what couples need to do more can be boiled down to asking one critical question more frequently.
“Go into a conversation thinking, what can I learn about my partner?” Guralnik, recently named the chief clinical officer of OurRitual, a relationship therapy platform, tells Fortune. “There’s too much emphasis nowadays on a kind of solipsistic, self-absorbed way of approaching the world. We see that between couples. My attitude is, it’s exactly the opposite thing we need. We need to listen better, not argue better for our own needs.”
People are often preoccupied with trying to convince their partner of their perspective, feelings, or interpretation of an event. And while feeling understood is important, Guralnik says, getting your point across is, to be blunt, “not the most important thing in the world.”
In turn, forgoing the sole intention of feeling validated at all costs encourages both parties to listen and understand each other better. “When people are utterly invested in convincing their partner or asking their partner to understand them, if that’s their sole focus, it’s not going to go well,” she says. “If people can invest real energy in trying to understand their partner more than trying to convince their partner to understand them, it’s a game changer.”
That makes sense, as successful conversations in relationships are fostered when both partners lean in, meaning they are eager to learn about each other and are invested in what the other person has to say. Researchers at the Gottman Institute, which has studied tens of thousands of couples for decades, say an inability to turn toward your partner and be inquisitive when they express an interest or need is a heavy prediction of divorce. “Create an environment where there’s room for both people,” Guralnik says.
On that note, it’s important to realize that crafting your response before the other person is done talking is one way to get into the spiral of only communicating to feel validated about your point of view. The goal can instead be to learn and grow together.
“Nothing’s going to happen to you if you pay attention to someone else. You’re not going to disappear. You’re not going to be rolled over,” Guralnik says. “You can always go back to yourself. Surprise yourself and challenge yourself to care about something new.”
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