“Borderline Personality Disorder” or BPD is a mental health condition characterized by emotional instability, attempts to avoid real or perceived rejection or abandonment, intense, short-lived relationships that swing between idealization and devaluation and an unstable sense of identity or self-worth.
BPD is often associated with relationship distress and instability, but this does not mean that such relationships are doomed to fail. With therapeutic intervention and support, individuals living with BPD can make incredible progress.
A 2023 study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy examined the impact of BPD in relationships where at least one partner was diagnosed with it. Researchers found that even though BPD had been challenging to navigate, it forced these couples to find healthy ways to cope and pursue inner healing for a better relationship.
Here are three ways to achieve a healthier relationship dynamic while living with BPD, according to the study.
1. Prioritize Inner Healing
A vital step in BPD recovery is prioritizing inner work—both individually and as a couple. Researchers found that when partners prioritized such personal growth, their relationships improved significantly.
Researchers suggest that emotional attunement, or the ability to connect deeply with a partner’s feelings, is a cornerstone of this process. It involves showing empathy, understanding and genuine compassion, which creates emotional safety in the relationship.
For instance, when partners actively sought to understand the emotional challenges associated with BPD, such as sudden mood shifts or triggers and take on their partner’s perspective, they could be more attuned to their needs.
“It (BPD) makes so much sense to me, like the brain is so brilliant that it has these defenses that it builds in. Not that it gives you an excuse, but understanding why you’re wired that way gives me empathy and understanding,” one partner without BPD explains.
Vulnerability also played a key role in creating better partnerships. Many couples set aside time to discuss their feelings openly and respectfully, as they had learned that unspoken issues only built up within and caused conflict later.
“I can directly ask for support more now because I’ve learned how to actually accept help and love. Before, I would be kind of combative, unwilling to ask for help,” one participant with BPD explains.
Inner work also requires consistent self-awareness and a willingness to take responsibility for one’s emotions. While it’s important for the partner without BPD to practice intentionality in the relationship by setting boundaries and practicing self-care to prevent burnout, it’s equally crucial for the individual with BPD to recognize and address their own triggers.
“The partner with BPD has to put in the work too. Because you’re frantically trying to avoid abandonment, you’re also hurting other people. Recognize those kinds of behavior and do something about them, because if you love that person and don’t want them to leave you, you have to take responsibility,” another participant with BPD suggests.
Additionally, both partners must value their own well-being in the relationship to have any chance of making it work long-term.
“I can’t take care of her if I can’t take care of myself. You can’t let your partner drain everything out of you. You have to set boundaries and they have to be understanding of that, ” one partner without BPD explains.
2. Externalize BPD Instead Of Personalizing It
One of the most transformative strategies for couples living with BPD is externalizing the disorder—viewing it as separate from the individual and the relationship itself. This allows them to view it as a condition that both partners are navigating together, rather than a flaw within one person or a direct attack on a partner.
“It’s validating to know that he knows the symptoms that I have aren’t my fault,” one participant with BPD explains.
Rather than attributing difficult moments to the diagnosed partner’s character or to the other person having done something wrong, this shift in perspective validates both partners. The individual with BPD can acknowledge their struggles without internalizing blame, while their partner feels less personally targeted by emotional outbursts or mood swings.
“Now when we have these big fights, I know it’s not that you just hate me, there’s other things at play,” one partner without BPD explains.
When couples adopt this mindset, they position themselves as allies working against a shared challenge. This reduces shame and opens the door to honest conversations about triggers and helpful coping mechanisms.
“I think the most important thing to me in defining it is remembering that it’s a reaction to your childhood trauma,” one partner without BPD explains.
“It’s a reaction to trauma for one, and it’s a defense mechanism, even though it’s not a good one,” their partner with BPD adds.
3. Seek Professional Support
Seeking therapy, both individually and as a couple, can equip partners with essential skills to navigate BPD. Many participants echo research that suggests that therapies such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offer helpful tools to manage intense emotions, reduce impulsivity and improve interpersonal relationships.
“This is the first relationship where I’ve actually had such good communication. I’ve been through DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), which helped me understand my own emotions and not (make) assumptions about my partner,” one partner with BPD explains.
Couples therapy can also create a safe space to address relationship challenges collaboratively. Partners without BPD can also benefit significantly from going to therapy themselves. It provides a much-needed space to explore their feelings, focus on their own self-care and establish boundaries, while better understanding their partner’s condition.
“I also started therapy. I think that helped me a lot to communicate more openly about my needs and set my boundaries to maintain my mental health and be able to be a supportive and loving partner,” one participant without BPD mentions.
Another crucial aspect of BPD recovery and relationship-building is educating oneself about the disorder. Understanding symptoms and triggers helps partners contextualize behaviors, reducing misunderstandings and impulsive reactions in heated moments.
“Read, teach yourself. As a partner of someone with BPD, the more you can learn about BPD, how it presents itself, what your partner may be experiencing, the more perspective you can gain on that, the easier it becomes to extend grace,” one participant suggests.
Researchers emphasize that BPD is not an insurmountable barrier. The emotional turbulence of living with BPD—or loving someone who does—can feel overwhelming, but couples who maintain hope and stay committed to their personal growth report stronger, more fulfilling relationships over time.
“I thought it would be impossible for anyone to be able to handle what I had going on. I did not know that I could ever possibly have a relationship this close and this healthy. I’m so grateful for what I have now. It’s possible to have a healthy relationship and have BPD,” a participant with BPD says.
These stories are a great reminder that while BPD can shape the journey of love, it doesn’t define the destination.
Do you think your partner is caring and responsive to your needs? Take this test to find out: Perceived Responsiveness Scale
