In some relationships, it can be hard to tell where love ends and codependency begins. A loving relationship feels like safety and warmth—a space where you can be yourself, have tough conversations without fear and feel valued for who you are, rather than how much you can give someone else.
Codependency, on the other hand, feels like walking on eggshells in a relationship—constantly second-guessing every interaction, seeking approval and living in fear that a single misstep could cause everything to unravel.
According to a 2018 study published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, codependency is a complex and multifaceted psychosocial problem. It manifests as three interconnected experiences:
- A lack of a clear sense of self, where individuals struggle to define their identity outside of relationships.
- Extreme emotional imbalance, characterized by enduring cycles of instability in various spheres of life, including one’s personal life, relationships and occupation.
- Lasting effects of childhood experiences, with issues of parental abandonment and control shaping current relational dynamics.
Building on these insights, here are four common types of codependent dynamics that illustrate how these patterns can play out in relationships:
1. The Enabler And The Transgressor
In this codependent dynamic, the “enabler” is the person who often believes, “I can fix them if I love them enough.” This misguided sense of duty drives them to overlook harmful behaviors, such as substance abuse or emotional outbursts, in an attempt to save the relationship. Struggling to set boundaries, they excuse their partner’s actions repeatedly, while sacrificing their own well-being.
For instance, one partner’s occasional drinking might escalate into a dependency over time. Despite repeated promises such as “I’ll change” or “This was the last time,” the behavior persists, leading to constant arguments and chaos. The enabler, desperate to avoid conflict and keep the peace, forgives the “transgressor” each time, even though both know the cycle will repeat. This creates a vicious cycle where neither partner grows or heals.
2. The Dominant And The Submissive
Contrary to how they appear on the outside, “dominant” partners are often driven by fear and a need for security. To feel safe, they seek to manage and control their partner’s behaviors, struggling with uncertainty and often finding it difficult to trust their partner’s decisions. This need for control stems from deep-seated anxiety and an inability to let go.
In contrast, the “submissive” partner complies to avoid conflict or abandonment, suppressing their needs and desires to maintain peace. Over time, this dynamic creates a destructive loop, with the dominant partner tightening their grip and the submissive losing their sense of self.
As Selma, a participant from the 2018 study explains, “It is like the chameleon, you know, trying to fit in with every situation rather than allowing myself to be who I am.” This highlights the submissive’s tendency to bend to their partner’s needs, eroding their sense of self and leaving them feeling frustrated, lost and trapped in the relationship.
For instance, imagine a relationship where one partner dictates what their significant other can wear, who they can meet or how they spend their time. The submissive might think, “They just care about me,” while suppressing their frustration. Meanwhile, their partner’s inability to let go fuels a cycle of constant control, leaving both feeling unfulfilled.
A 2022 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence reveals the early roots of this dominant-submissive dynamic. Researchers found that higher levels of parental psychological control during childhood are associated with unbalanced power dynamics in adult relationships, while individuals with a stronger belief in their ability to maintain relationships find themselves in more balanced partnerships.
3. The People-Pleaser And The Critic
The “people-pleaser” is a codependent type who constantly seeks approval and validation. To avoid conflict, they may convince themselves “If I just go along with it, everything will be fine,” even when they disagree with their partner.
Outwardly, they appear agreeable and easygoing, but this behavior comes at a significant personal cost. They base their self-worth on others’ perceptions, leaving them vulnerable to exploitation and feelings of inadequacy.
Conversely, the “critic” reinforces this dynamic by withholding approval or offering constant criticism. They may feel frustrated by their partner’s inability to assert their needs, thinking, “Why can’t they just be honest about what they want?”
However, the critic’s behavior also often stems from their own insecurity or fear of vulnerability. This creates a draining cycle—one partner overcompensates while the other remains emotionally distant—inevitably weakening their connection.
For instance, a people-pleaser might always agree to plans they don’t enjoy, thinking, “As long as they’re happy, it’s worth it.” Over time, their quiet discomfort shows, leading the critic to feel resentful or guilty, wondering if their partner’s compliance is genuine and lashing out when they realize it isn’t. This leaves both partners feeling dissatisfied and disconnected.
4. The Martyr And The Beneficiary
The “martyr” is a codependent type who consistently sacrifices their own needs for the benefit of others, often neglecting their well-being to maintain the relationship. This dynamic is marked by one-sided effort, where the martyr takes on excessive responsibility while the beneficiary grows dependent on their sacrifices.
For the martyr, this often involves neglecting self-care, suppressing their desires and feeling guilty for prioritizing themselves. They may experience resentment, believing their efforts are unrecognized or undervalued, yet they struggle to express these feelings directly.
The beneficiary, in turn, may assume the martyr’s sacrifices are willingly made, rarely questioning the imbalance or considering the toll it takes.
For instance, consider a partner who always handles the finances, household responsibilities and emotional labor in the relationship, believing it’s their “duty” to keep everything afloat. The beneficiary may lean on this dynamic, assuming, “They’re better at handling these things anyway.”
Over time, the martyr’s growing resentment may surface subtly—irritation, passive-aggression or even emotional withdrawal—leading to tension and misunderstandings. This response captures their deeply ingrained belief that their worth is tied to how much they can give, even if it comes at the expense of their own happiness.
Codependent relationships often masquerade as love, but their foundation is built on fear, insecurity and an imbalance of power. Recognizing these dynamics is the first step towards breaking free. But awareness alone isn’t enough.
To overcome codependency, it’s essential to redefine what a healthy partnership looks like. This means working on open communication, setting boundaries and building a sense of self outside the relationship. Unlike codependent relationships, truly healthy love is freeing, fulfilling, respectful and supportive—the only kind of love anyone deserves.
Do you often hide your true feelings to keep the peace in relationships? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale
