If you’re in a relationship, then you’re likely already aware of the fact that conflict is par for the course. No matter how healthy your relationship is—nor how long you’ve been together—bumps in the road are an unavoidable consequence. That said, conflict isn’t necessarily a stressful or scary event for all couples.
The difference between couples who fear conflict versus those who don’t is simple, yet also radical: it’s how they argue. Couples who feel anxiety at even the thought of it often share a common bad habit: loving each other, yet arguing as if they don’t. When tensions rise, these couples forget the very thing that they’re fighting for in the first place—that is, their love. Instead, it’s “me versus you,” instead of “us versus the problem.”
Poor conflict management can be attributed to a variety of factors. However, in most cases, the most glaring issue amongst couples that have nasty fights is their language—the way they speak to one another when the pressure mounts. The two following phrases often crop up amongst these couples—here’s why, without fail, they should always be avoided.
1. “This Is Just Who I Am”
When faced with criticism from a partner, or even some genuine feedback, it’s natural to feel a little bit defensive. Nobody enjoys hearing what they’ve done wrong, nor being told that they’ve hurt someone—and this can feel all the more affronting in moments of conflict. However, a common but damaging way some individuals may respond to feedback is by shutting down the conversation entirely with a phrase like, “This is just who I am.”
For instance, imagine your partner tells you that they feel hurt when you make sarcastic remarks at their expense in front of friends. Rather than reflecting on their feelings and considering how you might adjust your behavior, you might instead say, “This is just who I am. You knew that when you got with me.” While you may well be known for your witty or sarcastic sense of humor, this response—and the mindset it reflects—is harmful.
The issue here is that his response can only lead to a dead end in the relationship; it completely invalidates your partner’s emotions, while also suggesting that you’re unwilling to grow or compromise. As classical 1994 research from the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests, successful and long-lasting relationships require unwavering adaptability and a willingness to work both individually and collaboratively through conflict.
However, when one partner refuses to acknowledge their impact on the other, frustration and emotional distance is bound to arise. One partner is vulnerably sharing their emotions and qualms, while the other dismisses their origins entirely. “That’s just who I am” negates the idea that behavior is changeable or potentially harmful. Instead, it falsely suggests to your partner that they need to accept the unacceptable—that they should “take it or leave it,” despite their hurting.
Healthy couples, on the other hand, will have no problem acknowledging each other’s feelings and showing an eagerness to to work together. Instead of quickly retorting with, “This is what you signed up for,” they reflect first. Even in a minor scenario like a joke gone wrong—as well as in more serious conflicts—their language is always tactful and constructive.
After willingly putting themselves and their behavior under the microscope, they’ll instead respond with something along the lines of, “I had no idea that my jokes were hurting you. That wasn’t my intention at all, and I’ll be sure to be more mindful of that from now on.” They are authentic in admitting to wrongdoing, and—above all else—they are determined to express care for their partner’s well-being.
2. “Do You Even Love Me?”
Even for the healthiest of couples, arguments can be emotionally charged if their content is an object of insecurity. And in moments of vulnerability, it can be easy to let those insecurities take over. Once a disagreement becomes too intense, some couples might resort to asking, “Do you even love me?” in an attempt to gauge their partner’s commitment—or in an attempt to self-soothe.
While this question might stem from a genuine place of fear, apprehension or frustration, it can still be highly damaging to the relationship dynamic. The issue with this phrase is that it completely undermines the existing foundation of trust and security in a relationship.
A response like this puts your partner in a position where they will be forced to reassure you—even in the middle of a conflict that actually has nothing to do with their love for you. Over time, repeatedly questioning your partner’s feelings will emotionally exhaust your partner, as they will feel as though their love is constantly on trial.
The more pressing issue in terms of conflict management, however, is that this phrase shifts the focus away from the actual issue at hand. Rather than seeking a way to resolve the disagreement, it instead pulls the conversation into a much more emotionally loaded direction. Simply put, “Do you even love me?” forces your partner to delegate time during the argument to “prove” their love—as opposed to just sharing their grievances in the way they’d initially hoped to.
At best, this is an effective way to evade accountability from what your partner is alleging. And at worst, this could even be considered emotional blackmail—an incredibly toxic manipulation tactic. According to research from Procedia – Social and Behavioral Sciences, emotional blackmail involves “punishing” someone emotionally when they don’t act in accordance with what we want or expect of them. In this way, “Do you even love me?” punishes your partner for speaking about their feelings openly—as it falsely equates their opinions and feedback to an attack of some kind.
While healthy couples can certainly have moments of doubt or insecurity during a fight, they have no need to question their love for each other. They know that even if they don’t share an opinion, they share a bond worth much more. Instead, when doubts arise, they ask for reassurance in a way that emphasizes connection; they never resort to guilt-tripping or pressure.
Rather, they give credence to their feelings and anxieties, while also doing their best not to derail the conversation altogether. Before continuing, they’ll say, “I’m feeling really disconnected right now, and I need some reassurance.” They have a permanent policy that emphasizes openness—both during and outside of conflict—which allows them to freely express their emotional needs. More importantly, they do so in a way that doesn’t make their partner feel like they have to defend their love whenever a disagreement arises.
Have you ever used these phrases during relationship conflict? Take this science-backed test to find out if you and your partner could be arguing more effectively: Ineffective Arguing Inventory
