You’re single. You enjoy your independence. Yet somewhere in the background, there’s an open space in your heart, reserved for someone. Their identity and time of arrival remain unknown, but their presence feels certain. In the meantime, commitment stays at arm’s length, always leaving room for the “right” person.
This subconscious tendency—holding space for a future partner while resisting real relationships—sheds light on why some people, despite craving love, never fully step into it. It’s like being in a relationship with a “phantom” plus-one, who takes up space, but doesn’t yet exist.
Here’s what’s fueling this pattern and how to break free, according to research.
1. The Illusion Of Readiness: ‘I’m Open… Just Not Right Now’
Many people believe they’re available for love when, in reality, they’re in a constant state of preparation. They tell themselves:
- “I just need to work on myself a little more.”
- “I’ll start dating seriously after I reach this milestone.”
- “I’m open to love, but only if it effortlessly fits into my life.”
At face value, these statements sound reasonable—personal growth and self-improvement are valuable. But the problem arises when these justifications become a permanent state rather than a temporary phase.
A 2019 study on commitment readiness shows that being in a relationship isn’t just about wanting commitment—it’s about being truly ready to engage in it. Readiness determines whether someone will participate in the behaviors that sustain love, like self-disclosure, accommodation and sacrifice. Without it, even those who claim to want a relationship may struggle to maintain one.
This is where the illusion of readiness becomes a trap. Holding a mental reservation for a future partner creates the comforting feeling of being open to love, without the vulnerability of actually putting yourself out there. But the truth is, readiness doesn’t just “arrive” after achieving some distant milestone—it develops through active participation. If you’re always waiting for a future version of yourself to be “ready,” you might wake up one day realizing you never actually arrived.
2. Avoidance Disguised As Selectiveness
The “phantom plus-one” effect often masquerades as high standards, but what looks like pickiness is often fear-driven avoidance. Someone might say they’re waiting for the perfect fit, but in reality, they could be unconsciously shielding themselves from the risks that real relationships bring—rejection, loss of independence or past heartbreak resurfacing.
A 2020 meta-analysis found that fear and anxiety decrease risk-taking and increase risk perception. In other words, when people feel afraid, they become overly cautious, noticing potential dangers more vividly than opportunities. In the dating world, this translates to perceiving flaws as deal-breakers, interpreting emotional investment as a threat or feeling paralyzed by the possibility of choosing the “wrong” person.
This explains why some people:
- Go on dates but always find a flaw in the other person.
- Feel excited about someone—until things get serious.
- Fantasize about love but hesitate when faced with real commitment.
So, for many, avoidance isn’t about high standards—it’s about risk aversion. Fear heightens their perception of potential downsides, making relationships seem overwhelming. By keeping a “slot open” for an imaginary future partner, they get the illusion of control—a way to stay hopeful about love without engaging in its perceived messiness.
If you catch yourself fixating on minor flaws in every potential partner, ask yourself: Am I genuinely uninterested or am I protecting myself from vulnerability? True connection requires risk, and perfection is a mirage that keeps love out of reach.
3. The Comfort Of An Imaginary Partner
For some, the most significant relationship in their life isn’t with a real person—it’s with an idealized future partner who exists only in their imagination. This phantom partner offers:
- A sense of hope (“My person is out there”)
- Shields against loneliness (“I’m alone for now, but not forever”), and
- Preserves self-esteem (“I’m single by choice, not because I can’t find someone”).
However, as research on “Disney love” narratives suggests, these romantic ideals can create a form of cruel optimism—an attachment to a fantasy that, instead of leading to happiness, actually hinders real-world connection.
For instance, a 2017 study shows that media-driven love narratives, especially those in Disney films, encourage people to orient their happiness and self-worth around an unattainable romantic ideal.
For women in particular, researchers suggest that these narratives limit their personal agency and promote “bridal fiction”—the belief that love should arrive effortlessly, perfectly and in a way that fulfills an idealized but unsustainable vision of happiness.
Much like these fairytale romances, an imaginary partner offers the illusion of emotional security without requiring the risks of real intimacy. After all, a fantasy partner never argues, never disappoints and never demands emotional growth.
But here’s the catch: Imaginary partners can’t challenge you, disappoint you or require emotional growth, which is often part of being in a meaningful relationship. But, real ones do. The more someone invests in a future relationship, the more they may struggle to engage with present opportunities for connection.
Living in a romantic fantasy creates an illusion of love without its reality. But true love isn’t built in daydreams—it’s built in real-time, with real people.
4. The Fear Of Making The ‘Wrong’ Choice
In a world of seemingly endless dating options, the fear of choosing the wrong partner can be paralyzing. For instance, dating apps create the illusion that someone better is always just a swipe away, making commitment feel risky.
This is a classic example of the paradox of choice—the more options we have, the harder it becomes to feel satisfied with any single one. Instead of making a decision, many people keep searching, convinced they just haven’t met the “perfect” match yet—but in reality, they may be postponing love indefinitely.
A 2016 study published in Media Psychology highlights this dilemma: when people select a partner from a large pool (e.g., 24 options) rather than a smaller one (e.g., 6 options), they tend to be less satisfied with their choice and more likely to second-guess it.
This dissatisfaction grows even stronger when they know their choice is reversible, reinforcing the idea that they should keep looking instead of investing in what they’ve found. The sheer abundance of choices, rather than increasing happiness, often leads to anxiety, regret and a reluctance to commit.
The problem with this approach is that relationships aren’t about finding the perfect person—they’re about growing together. The happiest couples aren’t necessarily those who found their “perfect” match, but those who built something meaningful with a person they intentionally chose.
In essence, love isn’t about saving a seat for the right person. It’s about sitting down, getting comfortable and allowing someone real to join you.
Do you feel satisfied in your relationships or are you waiting for someone better to come along? Take the science-backed Relationship Satisfaction Scale to find out.
