The difference between a good relationship and a great one can be hard to spot. As a social psychologist who studies couples, I’d say the difference is stark. But as a married man, even I can admit how easy they are to overlook during day-to-day interactions.
You can know the research by heart, but living it is something else. And, unfortunately, most people aren’t taught what a real, healthy relationship should look like (at least, not correctly). But, more often than not, most couples are already halfway there.
These three habits likely aren’t new to you — you’re probably already doing them in some way or another. In this sense, the difference between a good couple and a great couple isn’t their habits alone, but rather how they’re maintaining them.
Here are three habits great couples maintain, with care and intention.
1. They Fight
If you’ve been told that healthy couples never argue, then you’ve been misled. In fact, if you’ve ever been made to feel inferior by a couple who claims to “never fight,” you’re likely better off than they are.
As classic research from the Journal of Marriage and Family teaches us, every couple has to deal with conflict — there aren’t any hacks or tricks that can prevent this. If anything, attempting to rid your relationship of conflict altogether would be a disservice.
A good couple might say, “Why would we fight? Our relationship is perfect, and there’s nothing worth fighting over.” But by ignoring issues they deem “not worth fighting over,” they simultaneously ignore the potential for their relationship to improve.
In this sense, the true difference between a good couple and a great one isn’t that they don’t fight at all. In all likelihood, they fight regularly — just not with each other. They recognize that there is always something worth fighting for. They know that there is always room for improvement, even if their relationship is already healthier than most.
With this in mind, the only way to take a relationship from good to great is to overhaul the idea that conflict can only serve argumentative purposes. Rather, it must be viewed as a means for healthier, happier ends.
Good couples wait for the “right time” to bring up issues, but great ones know that there’s never a right time — and if there were, it would be now.
Similarly, good couples might avoid conflict out of fear of the discomfort that precedes it; they might see it as a sign that something is irreparably wrong. But great couples simply recognize that this discomfort usually means something needs tweaking, and not that it’s broken altogether.
2. They Call Each Other Out Regularly
It’s tempting to believe that healthy couples avoid being critical of one another, or that they simply accept each other as they are. This is admissible to a certain extent, but not in its entirety.
According to research from Dr. John Gottman, criticism is, indeed, one of the greatest predictors of divorce. But while it’s true that criticism can be deeply damaging to a relationship, the idea that partners should never be critical in any way is misleading.
Giving your partner feedback or pointing out a genuine concern is not an act of criticism. Real criticism would be an attack on your partner’s character, or making an over-generalized accusation about their behavior or personality. Of course, great couples steer clear of this. But they don’t shy away from speaking up when something’s off.
Good couples might view one another’s bad habits as something they simply “signed up for.” Great couples, however, understand that relationships are like machines: they have moving parts that will rust without regular oiling.
Relationships consist of two evolving people, which means that growing pains are inevitable. So when one partner notices a behavior that could be harmful — to themselves, the other or the relationship as a whole — they recognize that the risks of staying quiet outweigh the benefits of keeping the peace.
Instead, they call a spade a spade gently, and in doing so, they affirm the potential they see in each other. They aren’t harsh, and they certainly aren’t nitpicky, either. They simply refrain from settling for “good enough” because they know that both of them are capable of more.
3. They Make Demands
Even the most self-assured partners hesitate to ask for what they really need from time to time. Somewhere along the way, we absorb the idea that expressing needs equates to being “too much,” “too clingy” or “nagging.” Instead, we convince ourselves we can go without — even if it means putting our own satisfaction on the line.
This is a well-observed habit in relationships, and not a good one. According to a study from Communication Research, the more insecure or uncertain partners feel about their relationship, the more likely they are to withhold their needs.
This is driven largely by the fear that speaking up will rock the boat or drive their partner away. And in many “good” relationships, that fear is given more credence than individual needs. Partners might go months or even years without making any truly vulnerable requests.
They might think, “We get along just fine. There’s no need to make things awkward.” It works in a general sense, but they’d never know any better. Great couples, on the other hand, trust that their vulnerability will always be met with tenderness — and they’re always better off for it.
They ask for what they need, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. That might mean asking for more reassurance, or more alone time. It might mean expressing that a certain tone of voice feels condescending, or that they need specific kinds of affection on some days more than others. And rather than hinting, testing or sulking, they say it plainly.
They aren’t “high-maintenance” for making these demands. They might even struggle to make them, considering the courage and candor they require. But they don’t make a habit of hiding, either. One way or another, they always speak their minds — because they know it’s the only way to give their partner a fair chance to meet them halfway.
Where does your relationship fall on the scale from good to great? Take this science-backed test, and see how you compare to others: Relationship Flourishing Scale
