All children have basic emotional needs that their parents are meant to fulfill. They need to feel seen and valued, be accepted for who they are and believe in their ability to succeed.
Unfortunately, a primary caregiver with complex psychological issues like narcissism can throw a wrench in that plan. Complicated parents can (and often do) shape their children’s identities through control and conditional love.
A classic 1987 study describes how children might adopt certain roles to cope with the challenges of a psychologically exhausting upbringing.
These roles include (but are not limited to):
- The “Hero” or the “Golden Child,” who typically tries to be a high achiever out of a desire to please their parents, rather than out of intrinsic motivation.
- The “Scapegoat,” a nonconformist and rebellious child, who acts out and becomes the lightning rod absorbing blame for all the problems inherent in the family system.
- The “Lost Child,” who gets overlooked and ignored within the family and tends to be emotionally sensitive.
While these roles exist in many families, they tend to become especially rigid and damaging in dysfunctional households with little emotional safety or consistency to offer.
Narcissistic parents are typically more focused on appearances and admiration from others and have little mental space to care for children the way healthy parents might. They can be emotionally needy and constantly crave validation from those around them, including their children.
But children do not have the emotional and psychological maturity to care for their parents, whether physically or emotionally, nor should they have to. Forcing them to take responsibility for dysfunctional parents, such as those with narcissistic tendencies, puts them in an unfair position.
Such environments exact a heavy psychological toll from children, ranging from a lack of boundaries to fear of commitment and abandonment, which can sometimes take a lifetime to heal.
Here are three prominent roles children of narcissistic parents might end up playing.
1. The Golden Child
The “golden child” is the favored one, who reflects their parents’ idealized self-image, often at considerable costs to their emotional development. This child represents everything the narcissistic parent wants the world to see in their own self: success, charm or perhaps, intelligence.
A 2020 study published in The Encyclopedia of Child and Adolescent Development explains that favoritism plays out in families with more than one child, and siblings can identify and interpret their parents’ behavior early on. Even though siblings are genetically related, they may show differences in behavior, personality and developmental outcomes — creating fertile ground for unequal treatment.
Favoritism can crop up in any family, but it is particularly problematic in a family with narcissistic parents, because it has more to do with how the parent presents themselves to the outside world than how much they love and care for their children. As a result, the golden child is often praised and held up as the “best” sibling, but the love they receive is deeply conditional. They must conform, perform and never question authority to maintain approval
For instance, if they act in a way that their parent disapproves of, such as dating a partner of their choice or choosing a career they like, they may even get “demoted” to positions like those of the scapegoat or the lost child.
The golden child also acts as a stand-in for their parent. This is because the emotionally immature parent can try to recreate their childhood through their children, something that only serves to perpetuate generational trauma, instead of healing them.
These children may seem confident on the surface, but they may struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, impostor syndrome or difficulty forming an authentic identity. Their self-worth is so strongly tied to external validation, they end up shaping themselves around what others expect.
2. The Scapegoat
“The scapegoat” is the child that absorbs everything the golden child does not, a tendency that helps the family system survive, often at the cost of the child’s development.
Karla Van Leeuwen, PhD, explains in the 2020 study that this child gets caught in a vicious cycle where parents, and sometimes even their siblings, see them as disruptive and problematic, which may further exacerbate negative behavior on the part of the child.
The scapegoat becomes a target of blame, criticism and emotional projection repeatedly, especially if they don’t conform to the standards the family sets. They become the emotional outlet for their parent’s insecurities and frustrations. This is because they try to shift the feeling of discomfort they feel onto their child. So now, their child becomes the “bad” or “shameful” one instead of them.
In truth, the scapegoat is often the most emotionally aware and resistant to manipulation, which makes them a threat to the unhealthy dynamic. For instance, they may get punished or silenced by their parents for “talking back” or “causing problems,” when they try to defend a sibling who may have been treated unfairly.
Another example is that of the relationship between a narcissistic mother and her daughter, who she may view as constant competition. No matter what the daughter does or achieves, it’s never enough. This is a hallmark trait of the scapegoat role: the child gets criticized or is seen as a disappointment, even when they achieve success.
“She despised, scolded, and never complimented me about anything. I would have done well at school but when nothing was enough, I gave up,” says one participant, who identified as the daughter of a narcissistic mother in a 2018 study published in Early Child Development and Care.
The daughters’ experiences in the study highlighted how their mothers constantly nullified their achievements by rarely, if ever, supporting or appreciating their work.
3. The Lost Child
This is the invisible one, emotionally neglected and often forgotten, also born out of damaging familial environments. Much like the scapegoat, they grapple with anxiety and depression, but out of neglect rather than overt abuse. Their pain results from uninvolved, often intentionally distant parenting, as opposed to parents who are simply busy or distracted by work.
This child is neither praised nor blamed. Instead, they are overlooked, growing up without much emotional attention. They may seem introverted and quiet, but in reality, they are profoundly disconnected from their sense of self.
Starved of any sort of attention and validation, they often become wallflowers and refuse to draw attention to themselves and avoid conflict at all costs. They may even grow up to be hyper-independent because they’ve learned that their needs won’t be met and that they have to look after themselves.
The lost child struggles with emotional intimacy, decision-making and assertiveness. They overthink constantly, trying to make peace between their family and friends, but they also become emotionally numb adults trying to reconnect with their sense of self.
Although they often underestimate their worth, they are deeply affected by criticism or rejection — even subtle cues. Growing up emotionally neglected leads them to internalize the belief that their feelings and thoughts don’t matter.
Growing Up In Any Of These Roles Is Emotional Abuse
Such children may hold one or more of these roles, but they serve to heal their parent’s emotional wounds, instead of serving their own needs.
All three types of children tend to end up with self-esteem issues, though they may surface differently. Their mental health outcomes can vary depending on whether they seek help or choose to distance themselves from their parents.
Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic parenting can help us break generational cycles, but it is not easy, especially if the children themselves grow up narcissistic as a result.
Awareness and self-work are the first steps toward healing. Remember, change is possible, but it takes time and patience to improve yourself and your relationships.
Is narcissism coming between you and your relationships? Take the Narcissism Scale to gain clarity.
