Relationships need to be nurtured, and when they aren’t, the effects are clear. They thrive on love, intentionality and support, but begin to wither away with neglect.
A 2022 study published in Evolutionary Psychology examined these effects and found six primary behaviors that can drive couples to divorce. Alongside the deeply hurtful acts of infidelity, abusive behavior and a lack of personal effort to keep the spark alive, there were three actions that stood out as most harmful to a relationship.
Here are the top three behaviours that can irreparably damage a relationship, according to the study.
1. When A Partner Is Not Caring
Participants of the study felt that the most harmful behavior in a relationship is a lack of care. This includes acts of neglect, indifference and emotional disconnection, such as:
- Failing to show interest in a partner’s feelings or the relationship.
- Neglecting to spend quality time together.
- Ignoring a partner’s needs, preferences or opinions.
- Taking the partner for granted and failing to express appreciation.
- Evading emotional or physical intimacy.
When one partner feels unseen or undervalued, it can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and resentment. A study published in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage involving divorcing parents in the U.S. corroborates this, highlighting how insufficient attention from a spouse is a frequent reason for divorce.
Neglect also signals a reduced commitment to the relationship, leaving the affected partner sometimes questioning their worth and the future of the marriage. In contrast, when a partner is perceived as caring, responsive and validating, it can enhance relationship satisfaction and strengthen the bond significantly.
2. When A Partner Doesn’t Treat Your Children Well
Another deeply damaging behavior is when a partner mistreats shared children or fails to fulfill their parental responsibilities. This can include the following:
- Neglecting to spend time with the children.
- Exhibiting inappropriate or abusive parental behavior.
- Undermining the other parent’s authority or decisions.
“People worry more about an abusing partner physically harming their children, who are more vulnerable than them,” the researchers write.
From an evolutionary perspective, the well-being of children is paramount, and is one of the primary reasons why partners choose to be together. Consequently, researchers found that participants would strongly consider ending a relationship if their partner displayed harmful behaviors toward their children.
“Behavioral acts that indicate a reduced commitment to the relationship as well as a reduced capacity to reliably provide for one’s partner and children, will have a negative effect on people, triggering negative emotions such as anger and disappointment, motivating them to reassess their relationship’s prospects,” the researchers add.
Loving parents instinctively prioritize their children’s safety, health and happiness, so a partner’s failure to do the same can create irreparable rifts. In contrast, showing a unified front as co-parents and actively engaging in their children’s lives creates a supportive family environment that can only strengthen the marital bond.
3. When A Partner Is Controlling
Controlling behaviors, such as imposing one’s will on the other person, restricting their freedom or manipulating them rank third highest among the most toxic actions in a marriage. In fact, research shows that when a partner is perceived and controlling and neglectful, it is associated with lower relationship satisfaction.
Specific instances of such behavior include:
- Constantly criticizing or blaming a partner.
- Isolating the partner from friends, family or beloved hobbies and interests.
- Demonstrating excessive jealousy.
- Pushing the partner to make decisions prematurely.
Control comprises one’s sense of autonomy, which is a fundamental human need. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Family Therapy found that when this need is not met, it is strongly associated with relationship dissatisfaction and heightened conflict.
Controlling behaviors not only harm the partner’s well-being but also undermine the mutual respect necessary for a healthy relationship. Over time, for the partner on the receiving end, this dynamic can exacerbate resentment, low self-esteem and a desire to escape.
Recognizing and addressing such harmful patterns can potentially pave the way for deeper intimacy and respect. Small, consistent acts of care—whether it’s sharing moments of gratitude, aligning on parenting approaches or encouraging individual autonomy—can rejuvenate a struggling relationship.
However, it’s also important to recognize when your partner isn’t willing to put in the inner work to truly change, and make the decision to walk away and prioritize your safety and well-being, and that of your children, if any.
At the end of the day, most partners are looking to feel valued, loved and deeply supported in intimate relationships. This is the lifeblood of a long-term relationship, whereas neglect and controlling behavior can only contribute to decay. For their own good, partners in any relationship must make the commitment to grow—whether that’s together, or apart.
Do you experience a lack of control in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Relationship Control Scale
