While I am years out of high school, my memories of crumbling under its demands remain sharp in my mind. After returning from cross-country practice in the evening and speeding through dinner to crack the textbooks awaiting me, tears would often fall on my pages under the pressure—self-inflicted, social, and familial—to be perfect by achieving the highest grades, exceeding in every class and extracurricular, and getting into the best college.
Today, teens are under that same pressure—if not more, thanks to the added weight of social-media comparison—and we know much more about how detrimental that can be to their mental health.
That obsession with success is a topic that piqued the interest of journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace, mom to kids ages 19, 17, and 14. She began to research the topic when her eldest son was in eighth grade, and published her findings in a book published last year, Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—And What We Can Do About It.
“Achievement is not the problem,” Wallace tells Fortune she learned. “It’s the way that we’ve come to talk about achievement.”
In the most extreme cases, teens turn to substance abuse, isolation, depression, and suicidal thoughts when they feel under constant pressure to achieve and believe they cannot live up to it.
But after doing two national surveys of over 6,000 parents and 500 young adults as part of her research, Wallace uncovered patterns crucial to ensuring kids can be successful, both academically and mentally, and on the path to becoming well-adjusted adults. Below, some of Wallace’s advice about how parents can provide shelter from the storm of toxic teenage pressures.
Show your kids the joy you feel from being their parent
Wallace says one of the first things parents can do is make home a “haven” from the pressures they feel at school and on social media to constantly achieve.
To do that, minimize criticism and prioritize affection, Wallace says. She uses the phrase “greet them like the family dog greets you” when they get home: In other words, show them the pure joy you get just from being their parent. Instead of immediately asking them how they performed on a test the moment they walk through the door, she says, ask them how they’re doing.
That turns home into “a place our kids never feel like they have to perform a certain way to be lovable to us,” Wallace tells Fortune.
Help them see that they matter outside of achievement
One of the biggest takeaways Wallace found in her research was the importance of “mattering.” This is when children feel like they are valued and that they add value to the world around them, she explains. That feeling should transcend test scores, where they go to college, what they look like, and what kind of accolades they receive.
“We love our kids unconditionally, but they don’t always feel like we regard them unconditionally,” Wallace says.
She noticed that kids who struggled most felt their purpose was contingent on performance—causing them to shy away from taking big risks out of a fear of failure that would take away their value.
But how do you help your kids feel like they matter? By getting to know them, Wallace says. Show them that they add value to the world because of who they are at their core. She says even by noticing the little things about them—how funny they can be, little quirks about them that you love—you show them you value their whole person, not just their measurable achievements.
When children feel like they matter, Wallace says, it acts as a “protective shield,” and often has the added benefit of allowing them to be more successful. They’re willing to strive for bigger goals knowing they matter outside of the outcomes of them, she says.
“Through mattering…we give our kids a kind of healthy fuel that propels them to achieve, and to achieve for things that mean more than just individual success and resume building,” Wallace says. “It sets our kids up to find purpose.”
For help in getting to know your child, Wallace recommends the Values in Action survey, which can guide parents and kids to better understand their unique character strengths.
“Signal to kids that you believe they can do this,” Wallace says. And if they can’t, she adds, make sure they know your love doesn’t waver. “The primary job of a parent is to support a kid’s development of sense of self.”
Be their biggest supporter
Also crucial is to not let your own frustrations negatively impact interactions around their schoolwork.
If your child is struggling, instead of getting frustrated with them, start to investigate any underlying reasons, Wallace suggests. Are they having a difficult time socially? Is their workspace at home too distracting?
Wallace says parents can help kids focus on getting work done at home by creating a plan with them, rather than only focusing on the outcomes of their work. That is often easier when parents lean into their kids’ strengths while getting involved in the process. Parents are often wired to focus on what’s going wrong, she says, not what they are already doing well.
But, Wallace says, it’s important to “let your child know you’re on their team,” and that means helping them focus on their strengths.
Be mindful of how you share input
How you communicate your frustrations is crucial, too. If you do get upset with them, Wallace says to make sure you “separate the deed from the doer.” You might not like what they did, but you have to make sure they know you still love them.
“That is really one of the most challenging things for a parent,” Wallace acknowledges, especially when you’re tired, stressed, and lacking bandwidth. Take a beat and get yourself in the right frame of mind to express how you feel, so your kids know you don’t think they are bad, even if their behavior is.
Be aware of status anxiety
For millennials who felt the financial strain and economic uncertainty from the 2008 recession and are now parents themselves, Wallace says they have started “safeguarding” their children’s economic futures by pushing for them to go to prestigious colleges. That is what she calls “status anxiety,” in which parents impose pressure on their children out of fear that they will face economic hardship if they aren’t high-achievers.
What that’s resulted in, Wallace says, is additional stress that kids don’t need.
If you might be subconsciously externalizing status anxiety in how you talk to your children, the first step is to reflect and get aware, Wallace says. The next: Get clear on your values.
Wallace says the best way to combat this is to make sure both you and your children are not surrounded by messages that activate status-seeking extrinsic values, such as finding worth in high test scores, a high income, and appearance-driven behaviors.
She recommends taking a hard look at your own calendar first—are you prioritizing things that bring you intrinsic satisfaction, like family dinners and time with friends? Wallace says you want to model the behavior that ensures your children won’t prioritize the pursuit of extrinsic goals, which can lead to an absence of mattering and self-worth if values come from goals surrounding status over meaningful purpose.
Take a look at their calendars too, she says, to see what sort of values they are spending their time on.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself
Parents are under a lot of pressure too, says Wallace. The Surgeon General’s most recent advisory on parental well-being highlighted financial strain, isolation and loneliness, and cultural pressures as just a few of the factors causing the current mental health crisis for parents.
In Wallace’s survey conducted with Harvard (published in her book) of over 6,000 parents from early 2020, 83% of parents somewhat or strongly agreed that their children’s academic success is a reflection of their parenting. And now, they might be panicking as they try to balance worrying about their children’s futures with not being too overbearing in supporting their kids’ success.
But if there’s one takeaway Wallace has for parents trying to manage their own stress, it’s this: “Never worry alone.”
Instead, prioritize a strong support network, which can be built by getting clear on your values. Because not only will valuing meaningful relationships lessen parental isolation through a strong support system, says Wallace, it will model intrinsic values and healthy behaviors for your children.
“It’s never been harder to be a parent,” she says. “You are worthy of support…of surrounding yourself with people who value you.”
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