Mother’s Day takes on new meaning when you’ve lost your Mom. Instead of a day to get your mom a card, flowers, a meal or a book entitled There Are Moms Way Worse Than You, Mother’s Day becomes a stark reminder of what you are missing. Gone is the person who did so much for you and your life, as I have detailed in Forbes previously.
Mother’s Day 2025 is the first one for me without my mom. It’s still hard to believe that the woman who was so strong, so fiercely independent, so capable, so highly intelligent with a keen scientific mind and so able to thrive despite facing so much discrimination in her profession and community has passed away. Even though logically I knew that nothing is forever with the possible exception of PFAS chemicals and fruitcakes, I couldn’t concretely fathom what it would be like after her death until it actually happened.
Everything I am and have done is a credit to my mom in some way. She taught me by example to always stand up for myself and stick to my principles. Upon her recent death, one of the first things I wanted to do was extend her legacy by passing along at least some of what I learned from her to others. And even after her departure, she is continuing to influence me in oh so many positive ways. Case in point, experiencing Mother’s Day for the first time without her has already taught me a number of things, 10 of which I would now like to pass onto you:
1. On Mother’s Day, Accept Your Feelings And That It May Be A Difficult Day.
Why wouldn’t this be a difficult day? After all, you are human, and your mother played a big role in who you’ve become. You can find yourself missing seemingly simple things like hearing her voice when she picks up the phone. At the same time, things that she told you, or even nagged you about, can continue to resonate in your head, especially on Mother’s Day.
Well, remember that REO Speedwagon song and don’t try to fight whatever feelings may have. And don’t expect yourself to feel exactly like others do. Everyone is different. Your relationship with your mother is unique. No one should tell you how you should feel. Pediatrician, author and parenting expert Alison Escalante, MD, has warned parents against “shoulding” all over themselves when feeling like they are not getting it right when raising their kids. The same should apply to kids who become grown-ups and lose their parents.
2. On Mother’s Day, Consider Unplugging
Speaking of “shoulding” all over the place, there’s going to be a lot of people and bots volunteering their thoughts about Mother’s Day and maybe what you should be doing for your Mom. This includes posts with their mom’s and saying stuff like, “Look I got my mom a solid gold bathtub for Mother’s Day.” That can raise feelings of regret like “Why didn’t I ever get a solid gold bathtub for my mom?”
But remember, rarely do you know the full story behind what’s being publicized or basically advertised. Who knows what’s happening in reality. So consider unplugging from social media, TV, advertising or anyplace where you may encounter a whole pile of should.
3. On Mother’s Day, Don’t Get Consumed By Regret.
One of the feelings that you may be experiencing is the big “R,” namely regret. It’s natural to have regrets about any relationship, as I’ve described for Psychology Today, unless you are some kind of sociopath. And assuming that you are not an AI-driven robot with perfect programming, you undoubtedly made mistakes when dealing with your mom at some point in your life. Probably many times in your life. Sure, there were times that you didn’t call enough. Sure, you probably had silly and pointless arguments with each other. Sure, you could have shown more appreciation for your mom. Heck when my mother died one of the first things I regretted was not telling her enough that I loved her.
But don’t let such regrets cloud all the good things that you did for your mom. No one and nothing in life is perfect with the possible exception of avocado toast. If you truly loved and cared for your mom, chances are she knew it.
“Experiencing regret is a part of grief. Allow yourself to experience it but not get caught up in it too much,” said Susan Birne-Stone, PhD, LCSW, a therapist and coach who has a blog called “Making Sense” for Psychology Today. “Don’t stay too long in what you didn’t do. Think about what you did do. For example, so you didn’t listen to your Mom at times. Well, think about the times that you did listen to her.” She added, “Part of being a child is to not listen to your parents at times.” So maybe you did master that part of being a child.
4. On Mother’s Day, Make Amends If Needed.
If you are still racked by significant and legitimate regret, even after taking an objective and kind view of yourself, there still may be opportunities to make amends. Say your mother wanted you to bury the hatchet with someone else like another family member who is still alive. Why not do that now? Say your mother kept bugging you to change a bad habit. The opportunity is still there. Even if your mother may not be around to see all of this finally happen, remember the saying better late than never. Making the proper amends can help ease your conscience and further honor the legacy of your mom.
5. On Mother’s Day, Practice Self-Care And Be Kind To Yourself
I remember being surprised when I first heard about how much my mother worried about me when I wasn’t around. But then a longtime mother told me, “That’s what mothers do. They will always worry about their children.” In other words, my mother was only fulfilling her job description.
So one thing that you can certainly do for your mother is take care of yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Practice self-care. That means get enough rest, sleep, exercise, good nutrition and sushi. You can also use Mother’s Day as an opportunity to treat yourself to something that you’ve always wanted.
6. On Mother’s Day, Lean On Your Support Network.
Soon after my mother’s death, one of my good friends sang in her wonderful voice a few lines from the Bill Withers song “Lean on Me.” She was essentially saying don’t be afraid to lean on others. You can do this on Mother’s Day. Or on International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Or on any other day for that matter. If your friends aren’t there for you during a time of need, are they even your real friends? It can be especially useful to talk to those friends who have lost their mothers as well. If you don’t have such friends, consider seeking support groups or professional help like a therapist.
7. On Mother’s Day, Recall And Share Good Memories.
Mother’s Day is a time to honor your mom, which you can still do after her passing. This is an opportunity to recall funny stories, go through old photos, listen to her favorite music and look through the keepsakes that capture what was wonderful about her. You can share such things with others to extend her legacy. For example, when I was growing up, my mother would make it point to attend my soccer games, even if it meant walking or riding her bike significant distances, sometimes in the rain. Her support meant a lot to me, especially since I faced challenges getting accepted as an athlete in a town that wasn’t used to seeing those of Asian descent playing sports. She was also an avid reader of different non-fiction articles and books, ranging from the news to philosophy. Seemingly every time she would read something interesting and insightful, she would bring it to me and say, “Read this and tell me what you think.” That helped expand my horizons and develop my critical thinking ability.
8. For Mother’s Day, Establish A Tradition
Mother’s Day isn’t a one time thing. It’s going to come around each and every year, at least until someone bans Mother’s Day because it’s become offensive to someone. So, just because your weren’t prepared to do something special for her this year, doesn’t mean that you can’t do it next year. Consider establishing some type of tradition to honor your mom whether it’s visiting her gravesite, holding a special dinner, building some type of memorial, donating to a charity in her name or even writing a letter to or an article about her. Honoring her means doing something that she would like. And that could include doing something nice for yourself.
9. For Mother’s Day, Extend Your Mom’s Legacy.
Telling others about your mom alone can extend her influence and legacy. But there are additional things that you can do to take it up several levels. What if there was a cause that she worked on or was interested in when she was alive? Why not take up such work in her honor? This could be as local as planting the garden that she always wanted to plant or as international as trying to solve a global. Think about what your mom would have liked to do had she more resources, connections, oportunities and time. You never know. This could inspire you to even bigger and better things.
10. For Mother’s Day, Be Happy And Fulfilled.
As alluded to earlier, what mothers often want most is for their kids to feel happy and fulfilled. Years ago, after a significant other broke up with me, even though I and my mom correctly knew that this significant other was not right for me, my mom had difficulty sleeping and encouraged me to give my ex a call. That was kind of a mistake in oh so many ways but it showed how much my mom cared for me. All she wanted was for me to be happy.
Therefore, one of the best things you can do for your mother is to live the life that you truly want to live. This shouldn’t be a life that others want you to live or tell you should live. You’ve got to know yourself. You’ve got to think for yourself.
Speaking of such, my mother used to say that one of her biggest hopes for her children was for them to be able to “Think for themselves.” I’ve been trying to honor that. No one told me to write this article. It’s what I wanted to do to honor her and perhaps in some way help others get through what may be a tough day. It’s a small way of saying what I could have said more often— how much I loved and will always love my mom. Happy Mother’s Day.
