Relationships, like all things of value, require care and attention to thrive. Renowned psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman have a beautiful way of describing this process—referring to it as the “emotional bank account.” When two people come together in a relationship, they unknowingly open a shared account. But, instead of tracking money, this account tracks the emotional deposits and withdrawals that reflect the quality of your connection.
Just like in a financial account, the goal is to keep the balance in the positive. When the balance is high, your relationship feels rich with love, trust and support. But if it starts to dip towards empty—or into the negative—it’s a sign that the emotional bond is weakening. And, as you might imagine, the deeper it goes into the red, the harder it is to climb back out.
Here’s how, according to the Gottmans, to maintain your emotional bank account—and, in turn, the health of your relationship.
How Does An Emotional Bank Account Work?
The Gottmans describe the emotional bank account in simple terms: positive interactions between you and your partner act as deposits, and negative interactions act as withdrawals. Most importantly, the Gottmans emphasize the role of “turning towards” each other and recognizing your partner’s “bids for connection.”
Imagine, for instance, that it’s the weekend and you’re sitting down with your partner—reflecting on how your week went. Here, you might make a bid for connection—that is, an attempt to reach out to them and be met with love, affection, support or even just attention. In doing so, you might say something as simple as, “Jeez, what a week I’ve had! I’m so glad the weekend is here.”
The ball is now in your partner’s court: they can either “turn towards” your bid for connection or “turn away” from it. If they turn towards you, they might say something like, “Really? Why don’t I make us a cup of tea, and you can tell me all about it?” A response like this—in which they acknowledge your stress, and reply with genuine curiosity, care and affection—serves as a deposit into your emotional bank account.
Conversely, if they responded by “turning away” from you, their response would be less comforting. Maybe they respond with something like, “Yeah, same,” or “That’s too bad.” In this case, your bid for connection isn’t fully acknowledged, and the opportunity to deepen your bond is missed. Worse yet, if your partner doesn’t respond at all, it can feel as though your emotional bid was completely ignored.
As the Gottmans explain, failing to turn towards a partner’s bid is like making a withdrawal from your emotional bank account—and the more withdrawals that happen without replenishment, the more fragile the relationship becomes.
How To Invest In And Insure Your Emotional Bank Account
In a 1998 study from the Journal of Marriage and the Family, Dr. John Gottman observed newlywed couples over the course of six years. He found that couples who were still happily married at the end of the study turned towards each other’s bids for connection about 86% of the time. Couples who eventually divorced, on the other hand, only turned towards each other’s bids around 33% of the time.
Naturally, in light of these results, the Gottmans implore couples to make more deposits than withdrawals into their emotional bank accounts—as the inverse can have devastating effects on a marriage.
Fortunately, however, deposits aren’t difficult to make. The Gottmans emphasize that even the smallest gestures, if recognized and appreciated, can significantly enhance the positivity in your relationship. Here’s the two most important ways, according to the Gottman Institute, to make deposits a habit in your relationship.
1. Be Mindful Of Each Other’s Bids
Bids for connection can come in all shapes and sizes, but they aren’t always explicit. Verbal bids are relatively easy to spot, like when your partner says, “Can I talk to you about something?” or “Let’s do something fun this weekend.” These direct attempts to connect should be met with enthusiasm and care. Nonverbal bids, however, are equally important—though sometimes more subtle:
- Physical affection. Whether your partner reaches out for a hand squeeze, a hug or a kiss, responding warmly to these gestures strengthens the emotional connection.
- Warm facial expressions. A smile, a funny face, a blown kiss or even a playful wink—these are small but powerful ways your partner may be reaching out to you. Don’t let them pass unnoticed.
- Playful touching. Tickling, dancing, wrestling or even a gentle tap can all be ways your partner seeks affection or attention. Engaging with them in these moments is another deposit into your emotional account.
- Affiliative gestures. Simple acts like holding a door open, offering a seat or helping with small tasks—such as reaching high places or even just opening a jar—are also bids for connection. When you acknowledge and appreciate these gestures, it shows your partner you’re paying attention.
2. Express Appreciation For Each Other Daily
Depositing into your emotional bank account shouldn’t feel like a chore or be one-sided. Both partners play a role in keeping the account healthy, and it’s important that each partner feels appreciated for their efforts. Take a moment each day to express gratitude for the things your partner does—big or small. A simple “thank you” or “I really appreciate that” goes a long way in building a habit of mutual respect and admiration.
Remember, the more you both invest in recognizing and turning towards each other’s bids, the more effortless these deposits will become over time. And just like with real finances, the interest you earn from this constant investment will result in a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Is your emotional bank account well looked-after? Take this evidence-based test and find out how you compare to others: Marital Satisfaction Scale
