It’s no secret that all couples argue from time to time, but have you ever wondered if they all tend to argue for the same reasons? According to a 2016 study from The Journal of Family Therapy, it’s likely that they do.
The study views conflict through the lens of Self-Determination Theory—a model that suggests development and functioning in our day-to-day lives to be contingent on three basic, psychological needs:
- The need for autonomy
- The need for competence
- The need for relatedness
When these needs go unmet, it can lead to what’s known as “need frustration”—which significantly impacts our motivation, well-being and, crucially, our intimate relationships. The authors found that this frustration not only affects our relationship satisfaction, but can also significantly increase the frequency of conflicts, as well as shape how we communicate during said conflicts.
Here’s why these three needs are so vital, and how frustration in their regard can put a relationship at major risk.
1. Autonomy
Autonomy is the fundamental need to feel in control of your own life—to have the freedom to make decisions that align with your values, desires and goals. When you have autonomy, you feel empowered and authentic, as if you’re living a life that’s truly yours.
In romantic relationships, the need for autonomy will surface in the wishes and preferences you hold. For example, your needs and desires to pursue hobbies, maintain friendships or make career decisions independently of your partner’s influence. It’s important to note that this need isn’t about distancing yourself; rather, it’s a necessary mechanism for ensuring that you don’t lose your sense of self within the relationship. A strong sense of autonomy is crucial in this regard, as it allows you to feel like you’re still the same person you were before the relationship—just with someone alongside you.
However, when this need for autonomy is unmet—when you feel that your freedom is being stifled or your choices are being controlled—it can lead to frustration. When partners begin gatekeeping one another’s decisions (be it the friends they keep, the hobbies they pursue or even the things they buy) they can easily start to feel trapped, or as though they’re sacrificing too much of themselves for the relationship.
This can lead to conflicts over issues like personal space, time spent apart or differing life goals. These are in no way surface issues; they reflect a deep need to regain a sense of independence. If left unresolved, these conflicts can chip away at the integrity of a relationship—as it becomes impossible to find balance between togetherness and individuality.
2. Competence
Competence is the need to feel effective and capable in your actions—to feel the confidence that comes from knowing you can rise to challenges, achieve your goals and make meaningful contributions to the world around you. This is the need that contributes most to your self-esteem and gives you a sense of pride in your abilities.
In a romantic relationship, the need for competence most often manifests in the desire to be a good partner—to feel like you’re contributing positively to the relationship and meeting your partner’s needs. This might mean being emotionally supportive, handling shared responsibilities or making your partner feel loved and appreciated. When you feel competent in these areas, you rest each day knowing that you were the best partner that you possibly could’ve been.
But when your need for competence is frustrated—when you feel like you’re constantly falling short or not living up to expectations—it can lead to feelings of inadequacy. You might start to doubt your abilities as a partner, which can trigger insecurity and defensiveness. For instance, if you perceive that your partner is unhappy or dissatisfied with your contributions to the relationship, or if they make it known, it’s easy to take that to heart—and to feel like you’re not good enough.
This frustration can quickly spark conflicts; you may feel the need to withdraw to avoid further feelings of failure, or even lash out in an attempt to defend your self-worth. And if this need is persistently left unmet, partners can shrink under the belief that they’re not worthy of their relationship—or that their best efforts will never be enough.
3. Relatedness
Relatedness is the need to feel connected to others—to feel loved, understood and valued by the people who matter most. Naturally, in an intimate relationship, this need is the cornerstone of a truly satisfying connection. When relatedness is fulfilled, partners enjoy a shared sense of intimacy, trust and belonging—that they’re truly in it together.
This need will manifest in the desire for reciprocal closeness, fidelity and support. You want to feel like your partner is not just physically present, but emotionally attuned to you—that they understand your every thought, feeling and need. However, when the need for relatedness is frustrated—when you feel disconnected, misunderstood, or taken for granted—it can lead to significant strain in the relationship.
If your partner doesn’t reciprocate the time and effort you give to them, you might experience feelings of loneliness—even when you’re with your partner—or start to question their commitment to you. This often results in arguments over affection, attention and even overall emotional availability.
For instance, one partner might accuse the other of being distant or unresponsive, while the other might feel overwhelmed by the demands for closeness. While these arguments may crop up in the face of small issues or inconveniences—such as a partner spending too much time on their phone, or coming home late after a night out—this isn’t to say that the need itself is a surface issue. In reality, such conflicts are the product of a need for connection that isn’t being met.
Are your needs being met in your relationship? Take this test to receive science-backed answers: Loneliness In Intimate Relationships Scale
