If for some reason, you only had one month left to spend with the love of your life, how would you make the most of it? You’d likely do everything in your power to prioritize them, have meaningful conversations, initiate spending quality time with them and make some unforgettable memories together.
However, these are behaviors that should be ever-present, no matter how long you have together, which is hard to know. Many couples fall into the trap of complacency in their relationships. They settle into routines, let other things take priority and let their love life sort itself out on autopilot.
One text left unanswered turns into missed calls, then into “I’ll get back to you when I have time,” until you come home one day and it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Nothing bad happened, but everything good that kept you going just isn’t there anymore.
The best countermeasure to such complacency is actively working to make your relationship better than before. Research published in the Family Relations observed nearly 800 couples and examined the efforts each put into their marriage.
Researchers found that a husband’s satisfaction is higher when his wife puts in more effort, and a wife’s satisfaction is higher when her husband puts in more effort. So, effort from both sides boosts happiness and lowers the chances of thinking about divorce — not just for the person making the effort, but for their partner too.
Here are three ways couples can create fulfilling relationships by developing the habit of putting in the intentional work to help them flourish.
1. Take It One Day At A Time
When couples put intentional effort into keeping the spark alive, they focus on everyday moments — celebrating the small things and surprising each other with thoughtful gestures.
A 2015 study published in Sociology surveyed over 5,000 participants to study ordinary gestures and everyday moments of long-term couples. Researchers found that day-to-day gestures like making a cup of tea, thoughtful acts and even warm smiles matter much more than expensive gifts or external validation.
“I made dinner and (partner) came home. It was lovely to see him. We had a hug and chatted about our day. He got changed then we ate at the table together and I loved it so much. It’s perfect – just us and food. What more could I want? After dinner (partner) put a song on he likes and we danced which was funny,” mentioned one participant.
The study especially highlights how emotions and routines are shaped by each couple’s biography and social context; there isn’t one “right” way to relate, but it goes to show how attention to everyday life together is important. For long-term couples, these smaller “relationship gifts” are what sustained their bond over time.
2. Talk About Nothing And Everything
Many long-term couples simply talk constantly, even if it’s mostly about nothing; sharing hobbies, thoughts and opinions with one another. That simple routine keeps them feeling connected, even when life around them is hectic. That way, when something important does come up, there’s already an ease in confiding in each other that wouldn’t exist if they weren’t in the habit of talking all the time.
A 2018 study investigated how couples regulate their emotions and emotionally connect, experiencing “emotional contagion.” Emotional contagion is the natural, automatic way partners catch and share each other’s feelings without even realizing it — like when one partner smiles, the other smiles too and starts feeling happier.
Alongside this automatic connection, couples also use conscious emotion regulation, which means they deliberately manage and reframe their feelings, like deciding to forgive or compromise.
The study found that long-term marital happiness depends on both these processes working together: the automatic emotional resonance between partners and the conscious effort to handle emotions positively.
Happy couples also blend in sincere exchanges of affection and appreciation into everyday moments.
Choosing to prioritize your relationship over your ego — by making reasonable sacrifices and compromises — tends to go against our instincts, yet it’s often what truly holds couples together. When couples talk about both good and difficult things, it keeps their relationship resilient.
3. Always Keep Dating
Couples who make their romantic life thrive even after years of being committed put in intentional effort to make it work. That means they never stop dating, share new and fun experiences and help each other achieve meaningful goals. Doing things together helps them grow closer and feel more connected to each other.
In one study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, researchers found that brain scans of couples married over 20 years but still madly in love show activation in the same reward centers as couples newly in love, indicating that sustained romantic behaviors, like dating and shared experiences, help maintain a deep connection.
Here are some date ideas for couples to consider:
- Taking mini road trips or weekend excursions to discover new destinations.
- Preparing meals together in the house or taking a cooking class to develop teamwork and closeness.
- Going back to significant locations such as the site of their first date or a favorite gathering spot to relive memories.
- Engaging in creative activities like painting, crafting or scrapbooking promotes closeness through collaboration.
If you feel like your relationship has been stagnating for a while, take your partner out for a surprise date, do something you did for them when you first started going out or simply start by sitting with them without any distractions and listening to what they have to share. The beginning of a love that endures is the one that’s nurtured every day for the rest of your lives.
Want to know if your relationship has the everyday effort that keeps love alive? Take the science-backed Relationship Flourishing Scale and see how your bond measures up.
