The decision to move with a partner, or especially, for a partner, carries significant weight. It also carries some risk — adjusting to a completely new environment, building a new social community and retaining your sense of individuality and personal ambition in the process are all critical factors to consider.
For some couples, moving somewhere new together is a simple matter of saying “Where you go, I go.” There’s no question about it. But when a couple has gotten together only recently, or either partner absolutely loves their lives right where they are, things begin to get complicated.
A move could mean job loss, housing challenges and unforeseen financial stress. This, in turn, can impact the relationship itself, creating uncertainty about its future as well as each partner’s life trajectory. So, how do you decide whether it’s the right choice for you?
A new study published this month in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin addresses the reality of relocating with a partner to support their career, highlighting the emotional consequences both partners face, including both rewards and stressors.
Researchers surveyed over 200 couples two months prior to relocation and then at quarterly intervals for one year post-relocation. They studied the impact of partnered relocation across four domains:
- Careers. This includes adjusting to professional or academic changes, such as starting a new job or beginning a new school program. It can also involve adapting to changes in your partner’s work or education situation, which may bring its own set of adjustments.
- Social networks. Relocation often reshapes our circle of connections. This might mean moving further away from family, moving closer to them, losing old social ties or building new friendships and support systems in an unfamiliar place.
- Living arrangements. Shifts in where and how you live can bring both excitement and stress. This could involve searching for a new home, settling into a different neighborhood or adapting to changes in your standard of living.
- Logistics. The practical aspects of relocation can be just as demanding as the emotional fallout. Navigating logistics might include managing the financial impact of the move, taking care of administrative paperwork or learning to navigate a new culture and language.
Here are two insights researchers can offer into the impact of partnered relocation, based on this study.
1. Moving Can Be Highly Stressful, But The Stress Subsides
Researchers found that the effects of relocating were somewhat of a mixed bag. In the early stages of the move, participants reported moderate levels of stress across all domains. They felt that losing meaningful social connections — moving away from family and close friends — and managing the finances and logistics of the move were among the most stressful outcomes of relocating.
However, researchers also highlight something that most other research on partnered relocation tends to overlook — people adapt. It might take time, but it isn’t stressful forever, and positive experiences can co-exist with feelings of stress.
Essentially, it might not be the best to begin with, but it’s not necessarily the worst. As couples settle into new routines and gain more control over their lives, their stress also subsides. Time and a sense of stability can ease the challenges of relocation.
“While the early stages of relocation may be characterized by logistical burdens, social isolation, and job-related stress, later stages may involve a greater appreciation for new opportunities, stronger connections, and a sense of mastery over challenges. For instance, starting a new job or moving into a new home can be both stressful and rewarding — stressful due to uncertainty or disruption, and rewarding due to novelty and growth,” the researchers explain.
Interestingly, researchers also found that couples who were more satisfied in their relationship fared better across the four domains of relocation, facing lower levels of stress in the early stages, steeper declines in stress levels as time went on and a more consistent sense of reward across the domains. So, a solid foundation in your relationship sets the stage for a solid future, despite the chaos and upheaval of a move.
Relocating partners must navigate these complex feelings of loss and gain, all at once. While it’s important not to minimize the grief you might experience leaving familiar spaces behind, these findings highlight how it’s possible to look forward, and embrace a new era of your lives together.
2. Moving Can Be Rewarding In Unexpected Ways
New experiences can bring unexpected positive change in one’s life. Researchers found that in some domains of relocation, moving was more rewarding than stressful. Participants found that experiences like starting a new position, learning about a new culture, moving near family, making new friends, settling into a new home and experiencing a higher standard of living were all deeply rewarding aspects of their move.
However, there may be differences in the experiences of the partner who initiates relocation (the relocator) and their accompanying partner. For instance, while the relocator may be thriving at their new job, the accompanying partner may be reeling from the loss of their previous career opportunity. At the same time, the relocating partner may also struggle with the impact of their decision.
“Relocators may carry the burden of guilt and responsibility for changes made to the couple’s lives, which can create additional stress,” the researchers explain.
Interestingly, researchers also found that the rewards of relocating could ebb and flow with time.
“Some rewards declined over time — especially those associated with novelty such as starting a new job and adjusting to a new culture. Meanwhile, rewards that were slower to emerge, such as financial stability or relief from previous social obligations, increased slightly as time progressed,” the researchers explain.
This variability highlights how the positive effects of novelty may begin to fade, but other surprising benefits may emerge.
At the end of the day, the emotional experience of relocation also depends on how a couple handles stress together, how prepared they are for the transition and the intention they put into making the best of their move.
So, relocating for a partner has clear pros and cons, depending on the unique nature of your transition. The ultimate decision lies with you, and it’s crucial to respect your own needs in the process, even though you wish to honor your partner’s too. You must discern whether the move will help you grow, or only hold you back.
The key to successful relocation may be in ensuring that it benefits both partners, and that both feel supported through this life transition. Self-sacrifice can easily turn into resentment, which is why the decision to move needs to be mutual.
Researchers also suggest that focusing on the rewarding aspects of personal growth, togetherness and novelty can help couples find meaning and joy through this transition, regardless of who initiated it.
Partners can find mutual support systems, navigate new cultures together and choose to be a united front through the ups and downs they face. By sharing their fears, excitement, insights or even their culture shocks, partners can focus on what brought them there in the first place — their relationship and their desire to keep “doing life” together.
New destinations invite new experiences. How open are you to such change? Take the science-backed Openness To Experience Scale to find out.
