“Who should pay for a first date?” The answer to this question is tricky, and deeply personal. To some, it might be a matter of who asked the other person out first; to others, the one making more always reaches for the cheque first. For many, both people paying equally is the only way that makes sense.
Whatever the answer, it’s a reminder that money and relationships are intertwined, whether we like it or not. If not discussed early on, money can become one of the leading causes of stress in relationships.
Our relationship with money taps into our deeper values and expectations. Some people love to live life as it comes, spending money on traveling and other hobbies that keep them happy. Others prefer to grow their portfolio step by step and spend frugally so that their future self does not suffer. Many people also lie somewhere in between these approaches.
These distinctions are important because two people with very different notions about money might not be able to get along. More than the amount of money a person has, compatibility often depends on how they manage it and the attitudes they hold around it.
This is why couples need to talk about money and resolve financial differences early on. Here are two ways to navigate such conversations mindfully.
1. Start With Honest Conversations About Your Spending Habits
Both partners need to be radically honest when it comes to matters of the purse, not just the heart. This is especially important to do if you’ve been together for longer than a year, and are looking to build a future together.
Talk about your current financial situation, including debts, savings, spending patterns and long-term goals. Avoiding these conversations can lead to misunderstandings and misplaced assumptions. Financial transparency is also a big sign of trust.
A 2016 study published in PLOS One found that couples who don’t plan things together are more likely to get divorced. Even after considering factors like age, personality and how happy they are in the relationship, a lack of joint planning still increased the chances of divorce by 19%.
So, take the time to discuss your future, how you fit into each other’s daily routines and most importantly, your financial goals as a couple.
Additionally, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to deciding who spends what in relationships. Some couples prefer to split everything 50/50. Others take a more fluid approach based on earnings or life circumstances.
What matters is mutual agreement. Don’t let societal expectations or outdated norms dictate your financial dynamics. Whether one person prefers to pay on dates or you decide to alternate, these are choices to make as a team.
Beyond day-to-day expenses, it’s also important to think about the bigger picture. Ask each other questions like: What does our future look like together? Are we both ambitious? How do we envision family life, career paths or home ownership? Do we plan to have children? These conversations are steppingstones to a shared future.
Such discussions also give you clarity on how you’d handle situations where one partner may need to step back, perhaps during a career transition or to devote time to your children.
2. Learn To Handle Financial Uncertainty As A Team
Handling money as a team means you’re not dealing with budgeting or financial stress on your own. It gives you both a chance to support each other and share the pressure that comes with big financial decisions. This is called “communal coping,” and it can highlight how you and your partner deal with stress together. This can be a telling factor in whether you’re a good match when it comes to making decisions as a team.
A 2015 study published in the Journal of Applied Communication Research suggests that how couples communicate about money matters deeply. Based on 40 interviews of individuals in married or cohabiting relationships, researchers found that those who openly talked about finances with their partner, whether it’s budgeting, bills or spending, were better able to handle uncertainty.
Open communication helped couples make shared plans and assign financial roles to each other based on what the other person is good at. This “team” mindset helped reduce arguments, build trust and made it easier to face hardships.
On the flip side, people who do not grow up talking about money or lack financial knowledge find it much harder to manage money together. Without healthy communication skills, they struggle to cope with financial uncertainty, no matter how much money they have.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, you need to stop thinking about money as “my problem” or “your problem” and instead think of it like an economic partnership where you share responsibilities and support each other, so that you’re both secure.
In fact, a 2023 study found that merging finances by having a joint bank account can promote transparency, goal alignment and positively influence relationship quality in engaged and newlywed couples, highlighting the importance of functioning as a unit.
Of course, a joint bank account doesn’t have to come at the cost of your financial independence.
“One potential challenge is the perceived loss of autonomy – sometimes we don’t want our partners seeing every expenditure. I would recommend having an open conversation with your partner about balancing the need for togetherness and autonomy,” says Jenny Olson, lead author of the study.
It’s alright if you or your partner struggle to communicate about finances at first. It’s okay to say “I’m not comfortable with this” and come back to the topic another time. What’s not okay is to avoid the conversation altogether.
It’s important to remember that this is the person you’re choosing to go through life with, and the longer you hide your finances, or even your feelings around them, the more it’ll impact your relationship and shared future.
Financial literacy can teach people how to earn, save and invest, but self-reflection, vulnerability and the willingness to communicate can empower you to have conversations that lay the foundation for trust and long-term stability in love. Once you’ve laid the groundwork, your journey together gets a whole lot smoother.
Are you honest about your finances and spending habits with your partner? Take this science-backed test to find out: Financial Infidelity Scale
