Friends, family, movies, novels and social media will all offer different takes on what to expect (or what not to expect) when entering a marriage. Yet, more often than not, reality refuses to fit tidily into these preconceived notions. Couples who approach marriage with rose-tinted glasses tend to find themselves surprised — sometimes pleasantly, sometimes not — by what it actually entails.
Here are two of those unexpected realities. Whether they’re a revelation or a reckoning is up for you to decide.
1. There’s Nowhere To Hide
Many resign that marriage is simply a “piece of paper” — that it shouldn’t drastically change the dynamic between partners. While this may be the case in a pragmatic sense, neither life nor marriage will play out under lab-like conditions. More often than not, marriage does change things.
Couples will quickly learn that there’s a palpable difference between living together and being married. While the two may look similar, with the “piece of paper” being the only real difference, they carry wildly different expectations, responsibilities and emotional implications. You will feel the weight of these much more heavily in marriage, especially in terms of vulnerability.
Some partners may reserve true openness for marriage; they may avoid discussing certain topics, thoughts and feelings with their partner before making the big commitment. To individuals who don’t fear vulnerability, this might sound absurd — but others may recognize this as a natural mechanism of self-protection.
These kinds of people may tell themselves, “Why share the most unrefined version of myself to someone whose commitment isn’t certain?” Why bring up difficult topics at the risk of conflict, disapproval or abandonment?”
However, when marriage arrives, these individuals may start feeling pressure to relinquish their private world, or feel as though there’s nowhere to hide. And, in many ways, this is true. Marriage requires a certain level of openness — one that some individuals may consider daunting — in order to survive.
That said, the reality of this openness isn’t as drastic as some portrayals of marriage may lead you to believe.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships explored the balance between disclosure and secrecy in marriage, and found that both can contribute to marital satisfaction when used strategically.
While openness is often seen as a pillar of strong relationships, the study found that avoiding certain topics — when done thoughtfully — can be more beneficial than discussing them. In essence, knowing when to share and when to keep things private plays a critical role in marital well-being.
Simply put, openness in marriage should never come at the cost of marriage itself. Having private or personal thoughts, feelings and opinions are more than fine. If anything, this is completely healthy.
“Is that the outfit you’re wearing?” “Did you really need to buy that?” “Are you really going to order dessert?” These are natural (albeit unhelpful) thoughts. But, when shared, they rarely result in productive conversations. More often than not, being open in these regards may result in discomfort or arguments that are avoidable and unnecessary, and keeping them to yourself is a kindness.
Yet, according to the study, openness is required in terms of conflictive issues: unmet needs, issues surrounding trust, barriers to goals or any problem that needs to be solved for the sake of your marriage. If this is the kind of vulnerability you fear, you will need to overcome it — in this sense, there is, in fact, nowhere to hide.
However, as the study notes, openness in this context will benefit you in the long run. Hiding spots may be desirable in difficult but necessary conversations, but they won’t help you — nor your marriage. Facing them head on is the only way forward.
2. ‘Decision Fatigue’ Is Inescapable
Marriage is built and maintained through a series of choices: the choice to go on the first date, the choice to propose, the choice to get married, the choice to buy a house, the choice to have children.
As 2013 research from Current Directions in Psychological Science explains, romantic relationships, in this sense, should be considered a domain of judgment and decision-making. Each choice you make will have life-long consequences — great ones in some cases, and less desirable ones in others.
Yet, in the grand scheme of a marriage, these major decisions are usually few and far between, with years or even decades spanning between them. In the space between these larger decisions come much smaller, much more tedious ones.
“What should we do this weekend?” “What should we have for dinner?” “Who’s picking up the kids this afternoon?” “What show should we watch?” “Do we need to go to the store today?” These kinds of choices may seem trivial, but they’re the very glue that hold your daily marital routine intact.
And, for most couples, these kinds of daily choices can lead to some — if not much — frustration. According to 2018 research from the Journal of Health Psychology, the average American makes around 35,000 decisions a day; as benign as many of these decisions are, they nevertheless have ramifications.
This constant need to choose, delegate and organize can lead to what the authors of the study refer to as “decision fatigue” — the impairment of one’s ability to make decisions as a result of repetition and exhaustion.
But, in marriage, decisions should become a shared domain.
Yet, for many couples, it may not always feel particularly shared. Marriage can sometimes turn one partner into the de facto manager of everything: the grocery list coordinator, the event planner, the schedule supervisor. Far too often, one partner is forced, either outright or as a result of inaction, to shoulder these tasks alone — in most cases, the wife.
This imbalance is usually the main culprit behind decision fatigue — aided and abetted by the idea that one person needs to be “the brains of the operation.” But in reality, this notion is a complete myth. Marriage is a partnership, and decision-making must reflect this. If it doesn’t, the relationship risks falling into a dynamic that’s both one-sided and resentful.
The beauty of marriage is that decisions don’t need to be made alone; that’s exactly what partnership is for. Sharing decisions — both the major life ones and the small daily ones — is the only way to lighten both your mental load and the marriage itself.
All that’s necessary is a shared system in which you both trust one another and your efforts. Decision fatigue is unavoidable in marriage: there will always be choices, big and small, that demand attention. But it’s far less overwhelming when responsibility is spread evenly between two people. Both partners have eyes to see what needs to be done, brains to figure it out and hands to make it happen.
Not every decision needs to be a discussion; some choices can be made independently, while others might require collaboration. What’s important is that neither partner feels solely responsible for keeping the wheels turning. A marriage can only thrive when both spouses take equal ownership of it.
Can your marriage withstand the weight of reality? Take this science-backed test, and see how you compare to other couples: Marital Satisfaction Scale
