Many long-term couples ask themselves if they’re having enough sex, and wonder if there’s a “normal” amount they should be aiming for. But the truth is, there’s no right answer to this question.
For some, once a week feels right; for others, a couple times a month might even be enough. However, when sex disappears entirely from a marriage, it can leave the relationship vulnerable to feelings of emotional distance or even inadequacy.
A 2014 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that having more frequent sex is associated with higher sexual satisfaction. However, frequency didn’t directly affect overall relationship satisfaction, which was impacted more by how satisfied couples felt sexually.
The researchers also found that sexual satisfaction and frequency of sex declined over time for almost all couples who participated. So, it’s not entirely uncommon for your sexual life to hit a slump every once in a while.
A 2017 study published in the Transactional Analysis Journal builds on this finding by showing that a fulfilling sex life in long-term relationships has less to do with performance or frequency, and more to do with emotional safety and mutual respect. This highlights how your libido isn’t solely responsible for keeping a relationship alive.
Based on the 2017 study, here are two signs that you’re placing too much stock in libido in your relationship.
1. You Stress Over Mismatched Libidos
Many people assume that long-term partners should naturally have matching libidos. But in reality, perfectly synced sex drives are rare.
It’s normal to have fluctuations in your libido. These could stem from stress, life distractions, the anxiety to “perform” or even how close you feel to your partner at any given point of time. It’s unrealistic to expect both partners to constantly ride the same wave at the same time.
The trouble, as the researchers explain, is that we live in a highly sexualized society where everyone feels as though their peers are out there having frequent, passionate sex — when that may not necessarily be the case. We often inherit rigid beliefs about what sex should look like, which adds unnecessary pressure.
However, couples must often juggle their careers, caretaking responsibilities, personal self-care as well as relational efforts. As a result, they may feel drained and can’t always keep up the sex life they wish to have. This isn’t either person’s fault.
However, intentionally making time for your sex life based on both partner’s preferences can make a big difference if life often gets in the way. Scheduling sex might not sound passionate, but in reality, it’s often key to bringing passion back.
2. You Fall Back On Old Coping Mechanisms When Things Get Tough
If you grew up in a home where you were only told you’re loved when you achieve something or where hugs and kisses were rare, you might find the idea of showing affection awkward, or even unsafe.
Many of our sexual struggles stem from our childhood. We absorb unconscious messages about sex, bodies and emotional expression from parents, mentors, popular media and early relationships.
These messages often live in our heads long after we’ve outgrown them. This leads you to internalize messages like, “Don’t be selfish,” or, “Don’t ask for what you want.”
For those raised to be agreeable or not to take up space, speaking up about sexual wants and needs can feel daunting. According to the 2017 study, which refers to the Transactional Analysis framework, we tend to revert to what’s called “driver behavior” in times of relationship stress.
These are automatic coping strategies that we learnt in childhood to feel accepted or safe. For instance, someone might be extra accommodating, try harder to please their partner or avoid conflict altogether, just to manage anxiety and seek reassurance.
Imagine this: your partner constantly makes weekend plans without consulting you. You might avoid confronting them, telling yourself, “It’s not a big deal. I don’t want to seem needy.” In turn, they never learn how much you value the weekends as a time for intimacy.
But each time it happens, you still feel resentful. Until one day, you snap over something entirely unrelated, like them forgetting to do the dishes, and the reaction feels out of proportion. This blindsides your partner, who might have been under the impression that things are going well.
Many couples hit a wall when one or both people try to suppress their discomfort to “keep the peace,” but end up emotionally exploding at some point.
“When our sexual relationship is under stress, we often discount our own needs, decide that there must be something wrong with us, and overadapt to our partner,” the researchers note.
This is where “differentiation” comes in. It refers to your ability to stand up for what you believe and regulate your emotions in times of heightened stress and anxiety. This is the foundation of healthy intimacy.
So, rather than trying to directly enhance your sex drive, it might be most helpful to start by examining how your mental conditioning around sex affects you, and to start working toward prioritizing and communicating your own needs. This can naturally enhance the intimacy in your relationship.
Sex Improves With Time, Practice And Intention
Sexual challenges in long-term relationships are not as uncommon as you might think. However, intentionally slowing down and making time for intimacy and emotional safety in your connection can turn things around.
Most of all, it’s important to tune out the inner critic that tells you you’re not enough. You are allowed to ask for what you want and need. This is key to making room for emotional and physical closeness on your own terms, while still being mindful of your partner’s needs.
How satisfied are you with your sex life? Take this science-backed test to find out: Sexual Satisfaction Index
