Being in a relationship naturally shifts your focus from just yourself to sharing a life with someone else. You trade in endless “me time” for moments spent thinking of them, sometimes even giving up personal opportunities for the sake of the relationship.
Maybe you turned down a job in another city because your partner’s career kept you where you were. Maybe you canceled your solo travel plans to support them through a rough patch. Maybe you’ve cared for their sick parents or juggled childcare responsibilities when they were caught up with work.
Your partner may also have made their fair share of sacrifices, but it’s not about keeping score. Relationships don’t need to be transactional. Instead, both partners should be willingly putting in the effort to sustain their relationship.
However, a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that feeling like you’re sacrificing too much is associated with relational stress and burnout.
Based on responses from over 700 married individuals, researchers assessed how often people made sacrifices in their relationship and how it impacted their well-being and needs. They also evaluated whether they felt burned out or emotionally exhausted in their romantic relationship.
Relational sacrifices involve giving up on your personal interests and desires for your partner, going above and beyond what you need to do for them and offering greater resources them, including time and mental energy. But how much is too much, and when does it start to affect us?
The study points to two factors that can influence how we perceive relational sacrifices and whether or not we think they are worth it. These factors affect our experiences of burnout.
1. Relational Equity
While it’s tempting to act in self-serving ways, in order to form meaningful connections, we must consider others. It takes effort to realize that we don’t always need to “win” arguments or say hurtful things. When we learn to think for those beyond ourselves, our relationships — whether romantic or platonic — evolve into a two-way street.
We enter romantic relationships with hopes of a partnership. We hope to receive some relational benefits in return for what we contribute. Such benefits may include love, intimacy, effort, time and generosity.
But when we start feeling like we’re doing too much and getting too little in return, it leaves us wondering if the relationship is one-sided. This is why relational equity is so important.
It’s not about doing the exact same things for one another. Rather, it’s about making sure that both of you feel that what you give and what you receive is fair, according to what each of you bring to the table.
Healthy relationships thrive on balance, without which, you start to feel resentful. When you feel that your partner is taking you for granted, you’ll likely feel emotionally worn out, pessimistic and fatigued. This is called “couple burnout.”
Researchers found that lower levels of relational equity are associated with a strong perception that one’s sacrifices are harmful. This strong perception of harm is, in turn, associated with higher levels of couple burnout.
Often, this burnout happens sooner than you’d expect, especially if you’re in a relationship with someone with different preferences, interests and priorities.
In such cases, one partner may be going out of their way to accommodate the interests of the other. This threatens not only the well-being of the individual making sacrifices, but also the foundation of the relationship, where one is positioned to “receive” more than the other.
In light of relational equity, it’s also important that both partners feel their efforts and contributions are valued, even if they aren’t identical.
2. Appreciation For Your Efforts
No matter what you do for your partner, whether it’s sacrificing your career to become a stay-at-home parent or leaving post-it notes with beautifully packed lunch boxes, you deserve a “thank you.”
In the study, participants were asked if they felt appreciated by their partners, and if their partner expressed admiration and gratitude towards them.
Researchers found that feeling appreciated by your partner changes how you see your sacrifices. They tend to perceive their sacrifices as less “harmful” and more worthwhile for the growth of the relationship.
Another 2022 study published in Psychological Science supports this finding, by showing that satisfaction levels tend to drop when people feel they’re doing more household work than their partner.
The study assessed over 2000 participants, including 476 couples (where both partners participated) from the United States and Canada, focusing on how they shared household tasks during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Researchers found that people were less satisfied in their relationship if they felt they were doing more housework, and found the division of labor unfair. However, if they felt appreciated by their partner, they didn’t feel as unhappy or frustrated, even when the share of housework wasn’t equally divided. This shows that appreciation can go a long way in preventing relationship burnout.
“Feeling appreciated also appeared to buffer against the negative effects of doing less, suggesting that feeling appreciated may offset the relational costs of unequal division of labor, regardless of who contributes more,” the researchers explain.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that appreciation is the ultimate solution for relational inequity — both partners actively stepping up to do their bit is.
Here are some steps couples can take to avoid relationship burnout:
- Accept that no relationship is a perfect 50/50. Some days, it’s 60-40 and other times, it might even be an 80-20 divide in terms of effort. What matters is that there are efforts to find a balance throughout the relationship, with each doing their best to show up at 100% when they can. That’s the way to fill each other’s cup.
- Show appreciation even for the small things. Remember to always thank your partner for being there for you. And, if you’re the one feeling underappreciated, reflect on any recurring relational patterns that might be at play. Additionally, ask yourself: “Does my partner know it’s a sacrifice?” If they aren’t aware of your effort, they may not be able to appreciate your selflessness.
- Check in on fairness and balance. Reflect on overall feelings of fairness in the relationship, without needing to keep an exact score. As the relationship progresses, take time out to answer these questions: “Does the relationship feel mutual? Are both of us making and recognizing each other’s sacrifices?”
- Watch out for signs of burnout. Feelings of burnout in a relationship aren’t uncommon. Taking time out for yourself is important. But if you consistently feel drained, resentful and emotionally distant, it may be time to have a deeper conversation about your roles in the relationship.
It’s perfectly normal to have expectations of reciprocity in our relationships, but sacrifices should come with the right intentions. For instance, you shouldn’t give in to your partner’s demands just to avoid conflict or to be a “good” partner.
True sacrifice should come from a place of care and genuine goodwill for your partner — and it should go both ways. When both partners are willing to make thoughtful sacrifices for each other without losing themselves, the relationship stands a real chance to grow and thrive.
Are you feeling burnt out in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Couple Burnout Measure
