Language is born out of need—the need to communicate, the need to connect. Across the world, languages have emerged from these basic human instincts. Each may have its own history, but they all share the same origin: the desire to understand and be understood. You might think that the creation of new languages is a thing of the past, but in reality, it happens each and every day.
If you’re in a relationship, you’ve likely been part of this process without even realizing it. From sweet “baby talk” and funny nicknames to made-up words that only you and your partner understand—these unique ways of speaking aren’t just the weird and embarrassing quirks you think them to be. In reality, they are bona fide languages—borne out of love.
Here’s how these private languages come to be, and how they bring us closer together than words from our mother tongues ever could.
1. Baby Talk
As embarrassing as it might be to admit, it’s not abnormal for couples to use baby talk in the comfort and privacy of their shared space. In fact, 75% of couples in a study from the journal of Personal Relationships admitted (anonymously) to using baby talk with their partners.
According to the authors, baby talk—also known as “motherese” or “parentese”—is recognized as a distinctive speech pattern, and has been extensively studied in the context of mother–child interactions. It’s spoken slowly, with repeated syllables and sing-songy, high-pitched tones, and it serves well as a means for parents to form intimate psychological connections with their babies.
However, its effectiveness in facilitating attachment does not end with parents and babies—this extends to romantic relationships too. The study found that couples who made use of some kind of baby talk within their relationship maintained far higher levels of attachment, as well as lower levels of avoidance, than couples who did not.
While it may be cringe-worthy for outsiders to witness, those in long-lasting relationships can attest to the softening effect that love and comfort can have. And when we truly feel at peace with someone, baby talk may come naturally.
According to Dean Falk, a professor of anthropology, in an interview with The Cut, “It’s pretty much instinctive to talk to loved ones the way our first loves (our mothers) spoke to us.” He added, “The musical part of baby talk (a.k.a. ‘musical speech’) is largely a product of the right sides of our brains and conveys affect or emotion, just as music is sometimes called ‘the language of love.’”
2. Private Languages
According to research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, unique languages spoken between partners aren’t at all rare; they’re extensively observed, and serve to emphasize a couple’s shared identity. The authors eloquently explain that “married couples create a ‘culture of two’ in which an idiosyncratic mode of communicating emerges to lend itself to increased intimacy.” Notably, the study found the more couple-specific language was used in relationships, the higher their level of relationship satisfaction was compared to others.
Simply put, the uniqueness of the language you speak with your partner represents the uniqueness of your bond and, in turn, it instills a sense of cohesiveness. The longer you spend with one another, the more unique ways you will find to communicate with one another in your own, special way—just like any other language. As Cynthia Gordon, a professor of linguistics, explains in an interview with The Atlantic, “Any group of people that has extended contact over time and sees itself as distinctive is going to have some specialized uses of language.”
And if you and your partner live together, you likely know this firsthand. Suzanna Weiss—in her The Cut article about the embarrassing, private languages that couples speak—shared her experience of this: “A few months into our relationship, my boyfriend and I started adding funny-sounding syllables to the beginnings of words. Hug became ‘higgle hug,’ bed became ‘bibble bed,’ dog became ‘diggle dog,’ and so on, following this unspoken ‘iggle/ibble’ rule.” She continued, “We thought we were the only weirdos who did this, then a friend told us that he and his husband say ‘huggle’ instead of ‘hug.’”
The Function Of Couples’ Secret Languages
These kinds of private languages exist in every household, in every partnership—and no two are the same. Perhaps it’s a word that you mispronounced one time, and now you and your partner use it exclusively to refer to that object. Or maybe you too enjoy adding funny sounding, baby-ish syllables to words to make them your own.
These words that you and your partner create, no matter how playful or nonsensical they may seem, are a testament to the bond you share—and a strong one at that. They reflect the comfort, security and intimacy that define your relationship—qualities that allow you to let your guard down and be your most authentic, silly selves with one another.
As a study from the journal of Human Communication Research explains, “Idiomatic communication not only defines a relationship as unique, but also signifies the precious individuality of each partner. Nicknames, for instance, give a partner the opportunity to express to the other that he or she is considered ‘one-of-a-kind.’”
Whether you’re speaking in “higgle” this or “bibble” that, or using pet names that would make you blush in public, know that these private languages are far from embarrassing. They are the verbal manifestation of a unique connection, one that only you and your partner can fully understand. The fact that you have these words at all is a sign of just how special your relationship is.
So much of our communication is standardized and impersonal, but these intimate exchanges are a reminder that love itself is anything but ordinary. Embrace the strangeness of your love language, no matter how cringe-worthy it might seem. It is, after all, the building block of your “culture of two”—living proof of the affection and understanding that make your partnership truly one-of-a-kind.
Are you able to be your authentic, silly self in front of your partner? Take this test to receive science-backed answers: Authenticity In Relationships Scale
