Falling and staying in love can be messy. Relationships and dating can involve some degree of shyness and embarrassment, but people often go to great lengths to avoid these feelings. Many people resort to trying to look “cool” and indifferent, as if love will find them without ever having to ask for it. In other words, they have stopped trying.
This is part of the “Nonchalance Epidemic,” a cultural moment where emotional detachment is seen as desirable, and showing you care feels “cringe.” Often, people send texts without being too emotionally involved, leave others on “read” and ghost them when things seem like “too much effort.”
Many singles are scared to seem too interested. But this chronic nonchalance, where no one wants to make the first move or admit they care, can quietly sabotage our chances at loving relationships.
It’s not as though relationship fears aren’t valid. We can have a host of anxieties around relationships, such as not meeting our partners’ and their families’ expectations, subjugation fears such as losing independence, getting bored, sexual frustration or even feeling held back in life. But we can’t overcome fear without making a move — without taking a few steps forward.
Here are two ways the “nonchalance epidemic” chips away at our chances of healthy relationships.
1. It Prioritizes Ego Over Emotional Connection
Many people have perfected the craft of masking their loneliness. They stay aloof in a bid to seem cool and mysterious. They avoid eye contact and everyday interactions, lest they seem too forward or eager.
Maybe you’ve been in this scenario, hesitating to strike up a conversation with someone at a bar or a party because the fear of being brushed off felt unbearable. What if you approach someone to ask them out, only to get dismissed, or worse, laughed at?
However, constantly pretending that nothing affects you can backfire. It might push people away or even prevent you from meeting the right people. Over time, that emotional distance becomes all too real, and you might find yourself surrounded by people, yet feeling entirely alone.
People hide real emotions and needs as a way to protect themselves. They worry that expressing their feelings might be seen as a sign of weakness, and that rejection would deal another blow to their self-esteem. For those with rejection sensitivity, this fear can feel especially paralyzing.
Many people also hide their needs because they fear they won’t be met. They yearn for emotional connection but struggle to seek it, so they put on a brave face instead.
A 2024 study published in the Canadian Review of Sociology on friendlessness and isolation interviewed 21 people who identified as having few or no friends in an Atlantic Canadian city. They found that loneliness, when it becomes chronic, can do serious harm.
Many talked about the emotional toll this took on them, with one participant in her twenties tearing up during her interview, describing the experience as “a pervasive feeling of loneliness.”
Another participant said he had stopped taking his prescriptions because he didn’t see the point anymore.
“Well, I feel lonely all the time. Because, when I go out, I’m not going out to meet people, usually. I’m just going out to, you know, grocery shop. Trying and taking your prescriptions every day, I find it hard. I don’t know how to explain it other than I don’t have anyone, you know, to talk to or whatever, so why bother taking prescriptions?”
Avoiding meaningful connections isn’t limited to dating alone. When relationships start to feel out of reach or devoid of meaning, even basic self-care can become a struggle. Without purpose or connection, even survival feels challenging.
Sociologist Erving Goffman’s dramaturgical approach explains how we often perform and adjust our behavior depending on who we’re with and how we want to be perceived. The “nonchalant” persona is just another performance. We try to appear detached and unbothered, in a bid to increase our desirability.
At some point, you have to choose between the risk of rejection and the certainty of loneliness. Indecision often fuels inaction.
2. It Keeps People From Owning Their Actions
On the receiving end of nonchalance, you may have heard phrases like, “It’s not that deep,” or, “You’re overthinking this.” Maybe you’ve met people who dismiss anything they view as “minor” and act like you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
Such individuals may act like you’re overreacting, as though you’re the one at fault for “expecting more” from them. They may also avoid confrontation and respond vaguely when they need to clarify the intentions behind their actions. Their need to create emotional distance can keep them from taking responsibility and owning how they feel.
Moreover, making excuses might get them out of a difficult conversation today, but in the long run, it erodes trust. And trust is the foundation of any meaningful relationship, romantic or platonic. People may start to think that they’re insincere, dishonest and, eventually, stop trusting them.
Forging connections is not a weakness, and dating shouldn’t be a performance. We all have limited time on this planet, and spending it trying to appear stoic and unbothered only robs us of the deeper joy that comes from truly opening up — even if it hurts at times.
Caring feels almost radical in a culture that rewards detachment. Going all in when people around you act like they’re above it all might be your best shot at salvaging relationships and finding something real.
Do you feel lonely, even around your partner? Take this science-backed test to find out: Loneliness In Intimate Relationships Scale
