When we think of an unhealthy relationship, we often picture loud fights, sheer manipulation or clear-cut abuse. But sometimes, controlling behavior is more subtle—it sneaks in quietly, disguised as concern, love or even protection. You may start second-guessing yourself, making uncomfortable choices to “keep the peace” and feel like you’re walking on eggshells without always knowing why.
This is the insidious nature of coercive control—a pattern of behaviors designed to strip away your independence, self-confidence and sense of reality. It’s not always about physical violence; it’s about power and dominance, often hidden beneath seemingly caring gestures.
According to a 2023 literature review in the Australian Institute of Family Studies, cohesive control occurs when one partner uses patterns of manipulative behavior to control, intimidate and limit the other’s autonomy.
Because coercive control can present differently in each relationship, it can be hard to pinpoint. The perpetrator’s actions could range from tracking their partner to even insisting they wear specific outfits for the sole purpose of humiliating them.
However it plays out, if something in your relationship feels off and you can’t quite put your finger on it, recognizing the signs of coercive control is the first step toward understanding what’s really happening.
Here are three signs a partner is using coercive control in your relationship.
1. Isolating You From Your Support System
Coercive partners isolate their significant others to make them more dependent, ensuring that their perspective is the only one you hear. At first, it might seem like your partner just wants to spend more time with you. They say they miss you when you’re out with friends or insist that certain family members don’t have your best interests at heart.
But over time, you start to notice a pattern—every social event becomes a source of conflict, every outside relationship is questioned and you feel guilty for wanting time away. They might guilt-trip you for wanting to see loved ones, create drama that makes socializing seem exhausting or even outright forbid you from maintaining certain relationships.
The goal is to erode your outside support so that you start to rely solely on them for validation—which they can just as easily take away. If you’ve found yourself cutting off friends, avoiding family or feeling anxious about how your partner will react when you spend time with others, it could be a sign of coercive control.
One 2017 study suggests that controlling individuals systematically isolate their partners to weaken their support system and keep their lives as small as possible. This ensures that their sole focus becomes the needs of the abuser and that they have no one to turn to when they realize that they are in an unhealthy relationship.
If you find that your partner makes it difficult to visit your friends or family or is always demanding to know who you are with, do not dismiss this behavior as protective. Making sure you always have people to rely on outside of your relationship could be the lifeline you need in future.
2. Limiting Your Movements
If you aren’t allowed to go anywhere without your partner’s “permission,” that is an immediate red flag. Likewise, if you find yourself avoiding certain places just to keep your partner comfortable, it’s worth taking a step back and reevaluating the dynamics of your relationship.
What may seem harmless at first can quickly escalate. There is a fine line between a partner wanting to stay informed for the sake of your safety and someone actively controlling where you can and cannot go. Those who engage in coercive control often go to great lengths to assert dominance, making it clear—whether subtly or overtly—that defying their rules will come with severe consequences.
In a 2021 study about the escalation of abuse during the COVID-19 pandemic, one survivor noted that her partner had lied to an airline that she had tested positive to make sure she couldn’t board the plane.
Controlling partners might also refuse to let you go to work, demand access to your phone passwords and location at all times or restrict your access to shared transport. If your movements are being monitored or controlled, it’s a serious warning sign. Tell someone you trust and, if needed, start considering a plan for a safe exit.
3. Controlling Aspects Of Your Health And Body
A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, including respect for your autonomy over your own body. But in a coercively controlling relationship, a partner may try to dictate your health choices—deciding what you eat, what you wear, how much you exercise, whether you take medication or even controlling decisions about birth control and pregnancy.
At first, their comments might seem like concern: “I just want you to be healthy” or “You’d look so much better if you lost a little weight.” But over time, these “suggestions” turn into rules. You may feel pressured to change your body, be denied access to necessary healthcare or shamed for making choices about your own well-being.
Some controlling partners even use pregnancy or medical decisions as a way to maintain power, making it difficult for their partner to access birth control or forcing them into—or out of—reproductive choices.
This kind of control isn’t just about physical health; it’s about dominance and stripping away your ability to make choices for yourself. If your partner makes you feel powerless over your own body, it’s a serious red flag.
Such behavior can also have devastating consequences. A disturbing 2022 BBC report revealed that in more than half of domestic violence cases that ended in homicide, the abuse began with coercive control. This chilling statistic is a powerful reminder that no one—not even your partner—has the right to control your body or your autonomy.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of coercive control. The key here is to remember that if something feels off, it probably is. Recognizing coercive control can be difficult, especially when it’s disguised as love or concern. But trust your instincts—if you feel like you’re losing your independence, constantly second-guessing yourself or making choices out of fear rather than free will, something isn’t right.
The good news is that awareness is the first step toward reclaiming your autonomy. No one deserves to feel trapped in their own relationship. If any of these signs resonate with you, know that support is available. To begin with, reaching out to a trusted friend, family member or mental health professional can help you gain clarity and explore your options.
Do you and your partner experience an equal amount of control in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Control Scale
