If you’ve watched the popular 2005 sitcom How I Met Your Mother, you might remember Ted Mosby and his potential date, Maggie Wilks. Maggie was the dream girl-next-door that Ted wanted to date for years, but never got the chance to.
She moved from one serious relationship to another, with very short periods of singlehood in between. She eventually entered yet another (and final) relationship with her childhood sweetheart, Adam, before Ted could pursue her.
Maggie seemed to be a serial monogamist—someone who moves from one long-term monogamous relationship to another with very little time for herself in between. It’s possible her relationship with Adam was serendipitous, but the question remains—is it healthy to date people for one, two or more years, and then quickly move on to someone else?
While there is nothing wrong with enjoying monogamous relationships, it is crucial to be able to function independently without relying on a relationship. But for some, being in a relationship feels more comfortable due to societal expectations or a possible fear of loneliness or abandonment.
Here are three signs that you might be a serial monogamist, and why you might need to take some time out for yourself.
1. You Are Rarely (If Ever) Single
When was the last time you were truly single—with no relationship, situationship or unresolved feelings for your ex? If these periods in between relationships are rare or fleeting, it’s possible you’re a serial monogamist.
Jumping from one relationship to another with little to no time for healing can be a definitive sign that it’s difficult for you to be single. For instance, If you crave the “high” that comes from being in love, you may be pursuing relationships for the wrong reasons.
Research also shows that many individuals settle for less in their relationships out of a strong fear of being single. This can trap them in unhappy, stagnant or even harmful relationship dynamics.
If this sounds familiar, ask yourself if you would be truly comfortable being by yourself and not dating for at least a year. If the answer is no, you may need to reflect on what singlehood means to you, with curiosity and self-compassion.
Ask yourself, what specifically makes you anxious about being alone? Do you tend to overthink, fear the future or look down on yourself? These answers bring you one step closer to being kinder to yourself and learning to embrace time alone.
2. You Don’t Take The Time To Truly Heal From Heartbreak
Imagine dating someone who just got out of a relationship. There’s a good chance they might bring up their ex in conversations, even unintentionally, which could make you uncomfortable. Hearing about a partner’s past can often lead to feelings of comparison and inadequacy.
While it’s important to keep an open mind when discussing past relationships, if you’re the one constantly bringing up your past with someone new, it may indicate you’re still emotionally attached to your ex. This can hinder the development of emotional intimacy and trust in your current relationship.
“When we don’t fully understand how our life experiences, traumas, previous relationships and families influence us, the way we show up in romantic partnerships will likely be a continuation of whatever role we played in those previous relationships,” says Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, therapist and Hinge’s Love and Connection expert.
If you’ve ever wondered why Maggie from How I Met Your Mother was a serial monogamist, it’s possible that she was playing the same role in every relationship. Without much time to explore her own hobbies, interests and needs between relationships, she couldn’t break the cycle.
If you’re trying to heal from a past relationship, it’s crucial to acknowledge your emotions and focus on self-care. Take time to rediscover your hobbies, pursue new goals and reconnect with loved ones. These steps will help you rebuild your sense of self and ensure you’re entering your next relationship from a place of emotional wholeness.
3. You Find Yourself Overly Romanticizing Love
When someone begins to fall in love, it can activate reward systems in the brain, which is why love has been scientifically likened to an addictive drug. Humans are naturally wired to enjoy feelings of love and affection, but for some, these feelings can extend beyond a healthy interest in relationships. When this happens, it is referred to as “love addiction.”
Consequently, serial monogamists often seek fulfillment through romantic relationships, idolizing romantic love to the point where it involves excessive and unrealistic expectations. This means placing romantic attachments on a pedestal and believing that love is the ultimate source of happiness. This can lead to constantly seeking out relationships that they believe will “finally” meet their expectations, while leaving no room for healthy conflict or personal growth in the process.
However, this mindset is dangerous, as it often sets you up for constant disappointment and lowers your commitment to making a relationship work. Even the healthiest relationships have flaws, and accepting this is crucial to making love last.
One way to counter this pattern is by taking an extended break from the dating scene. Stepping away from the cycle of romantic relationships allows you to reset, reflect and focus on building a healthier relationship with yourself, and form a more balanced perception of what relationships with others should look like.
Some people naturally gravitate toward long-term relationships without ever spending much time on their own. Serial monogamy is not inherently harmful, but it becomes a problem when it prevents you from exploring your own individuality or healing from past experiences.
If you recognize these signs in your own dating experiences, it may be wise to take a step back before you jump back in. Ultimately, the goal is not to avoid love, but to love in a way that nurtures both you and your partner in the long run.
Is a fear of being single driving you toward serial monogamy? Take the science-backed Fear Of Being Single Scale to find out.
