No relationship, even the healthiest one, is truly devoid of conflict. What differentiates the healthy from the unhealthy, however, is how partners view conflict in their relationship.
The couples who last longest don’t fear it; they see it as an inevitable good, rather than an avoidable evil. They know conflicts don’t have to be heated debates or screaming matches. Instead, they recognize it as a simple product of differences in opinions, feelings or satisfaction—and as something that can ultimately benefit them.
If you struggle to see the good—or, at least, the neutrality—of conflict, rest assured knowing that you’re definitely not alone. For many, conflict is terrifying. Without the knowledge or tools necessary to limit or de-escalate arguments, they can quickly and repeatedly become unmanageable.
Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman—in his research-based book, The Marriage Clinic—recommends four simple tricks to ensure conflict is beneficial to both partners, rather than detrimental. Practice them consistently, and you’ll find that conflict isn’t always necessarily a bad thing.
Here are Gottman’s four suggested ways to manage conflict effectively.
1. Use A ‘Softened Start-Up’
One of the biggest mistakes couples make when discussing problems is coming in too hot—leading with blame, criticism or frustration. While it’s understandable to feel emotional in conflict, how you start a conversation often determines how it will end.
It’s logical that if you begin the conversation with hostility, your partner will likely get defensive. From there, what could have been a constructive discussion spirals into an argument that ends up going nowhere.
Gottman’s research emphasizes the importance of what he calls a “softened start-up”—that is, approaching conflict with calmness, clarity and care. Rather than jumping right in with accusations or sweeping generalizations, the goal is instead to frame your concerns in a way that prompts conversation—not combat.
Imagine, for instance, that you’ve been feeling unheard in your relationship. Your first option is to say something like, “You never listen to me. You don’t care about what I have to say.” However, this option puts your partner on the defensive before the conversation even begins.
In contrast, your second option—a softened start-up—might sound like, “I feel like I’m not always heard when we talk about things. I want to make sure we’re both on the same page, and I feel like we’re not right now. Can we figure out a way to do that?”
The tone and content of the softer approach will have wildly different results. This is because, rather than attacking your partner’s character from the get-go, you’re expressing a personal need—one that they can actually respond to, as opposed to just defending themselves.
Remember, the couples who handle conflict well don’t avoid difficult conversations. But, they do take responsibility for how they bring them up. Initiate discussions gently, and you set the tone for a two-way dialogue. Rather than an escalating argument, you give them the chance to do better. This benefits you both, whereas criticism benefits no one.
2. Accept That Some Problems Are Unsolvable
It’s easy to think that a good relationship means you have to resolve every disagreement. In reality, however, most conflicts don’t have cookie-cutter solutions. In fact, Gottman’s research found that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual—meaning they stem from fundamental differences in personality, values or lifestyle.
The key factor here is that these differences, try as you might, won’t simply disappear. In this way, the happiest couples aren’t the ones who “fix” every issue. They’re the ones who learn to manage their differences in a way that focuses on what they can change, rather than what can’t.
Say, for example, that you thrive on social interactions, while your partner much prefers solitude and downtime. Again, this isn’t a difference that can be solved; you aren’t going to magically stop craving social outings, and your partner isn’t going to suddenly love crowded events.
What you can do, however, is manage these conflicting interests in a way that respects both of your needs. Resenting each other for being different will only tear you apart. Compromise, on the other hand, allows you to find a happy medium—perhaps setting aside designated nights for socializing, and others for quiet time together.
Unsolvable problems aren’t dealbreakers. How you handle them, however, can be. Couples who last understand that conflict doesn’t mean incompatibility. Instead of seeing disagreements as signs that something is wrong or broken, they recognize them as natural aspects of a relationship that they can work around with patience and respect.
3. Always Make Repair Attempts
Contrary to popular belief, conflict itself isn’t what ruins relationships, but its products can—specifically, unresolved resentment. Every couple fights, but the ones who stay together are those who know how to de-escalate tension and, most importantly, reconnect.
This is where repair attempts come in. According to Gottman, a repair attempt is any gesture—verbal or nonverbal—that helps to diffuse conflict and signal a desire to work through it together.
They come in various forms—it could be an apology, a reassuring touch, a bit of humor or even a simple, “I don’t want to fight. Can we start over?” All that really matters is the intention behind it: to remind your partner that you’re not enemies, even when you disagree.
Imagine that you’re caught in a heated argument with your partner. You feel misunderstood, and the conversation is starting to get tense. You either focus on your feelings (which may well be valid), or you could focus instead on the end goal of the conversation: working things out. From there, simply reaching out, taking their hand, and saying, “I love you. I don’t want to fight like this,” is enough to shift the energy of the conversation.
Remember, however, that this doesn’t mean the disagreement disappears. But, it does offer you a moment to re-center; to remember that your love is worth more than the conversation itself.
The key to successful repair attempts is a shared willingness to accept them. If one person offers an olive branch, but the other refuses to take it, tension will only linger. But if you’re both capable of making an effort to pause, acknowledge the meaning behind the peace offering and commit to working through it with the purpose of repair, even the most challenging conversations will be more manageable.
4. Forgive And Give Thanks
It’s common to mistake forgiveness as just brushing things under the rug—but this may actually be the opposite of what it really is. Pretending that nothing happened is ultimately counterproductive; it negates the fact that it did happen, as well as that there’s something to learn from it.
Instead, forgiveness, in this sense, is choosing not to let past hurt define your relationship. While holding onto resentment—or ignoring reality—can lead to distance and anger, letting go allows couples to move forward without carrying the weight of baggage.
That said, forgiveness isn’t automatic; it’s a decision you need to make. It requires intentionality and, sometimes, time. In many cases, anger and resentment are valid, justifiable responses in conflict. However, as research from Personality and Individual Differences shows, gratitude and forgiveness can make the process of letting go significantly smoother.
When couples actively practice gratitude, they shift their focus away from what’s lacking and onto what’s abundant. They stop keeping score of mistakes—of their pain—and start appreciating the many ways their partner shows up for them.
In turn, anger and resentment give way for more manageable emotions, like sadness. Once emotions become more processable, acceptance becomes possible.
Say, for instance, your partner forgets something important—like an anniversary, or a plan or promise they’ve made. Naturally, you’d feel hurt. You could very well hold onto that anger, replay it in your mind and allow bitterness to fester.
Or, you could step back and remember all the times your partner didn’t forget. The times they supported you, showed you love in everyday moments or made you laugh when you needed it most.
This doesn’t mean your feelings of hurt aren’t justified. However, this path allows your hurt to fade faster and more naturally. By choosing to see your partner as a whole person, rather than defining them by one mistake, you create a way to move forward together with love and hope.
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