Josh Beharry was a senior in college when he found himself silently struggling. He stopped going to class, made excuses for why he couldn’t see friends, lost his appetite, and found it difficult to go to the gym and take care of his body.
He was constantly stressed about his schoolwork in a major he found no joy in, but tried to double down and work harder, hoping his thoughts would go away and he’d find success the more he pushed himself.
“That did not work,” Beharry tells Fortune.
Beharry finally felt desperate enough that he told his parents how he was feeling. They helped him get started with a therapist, who diagnosed him with depression—but the stigma of that only made him feel worse.
On one particularly bad night—January 2010, when he was 22—Beharry attempted suicide by jumping from a bridge.
He survived the fall with several internal injuries and broken bones—and a desire not only to live, but to find support for himself and to offer it to others. Beharry is now project manager at the men’s mental health organization HeadsUpGuys, which acknowledges that “fear, shame, or simply not knowing how to ask for or accept support often stand in the way of men getting help.”
Men are more open about depression and anxiety than even a decade ago—in part thanks to celebrities who have been open about their own mental-health struggles, including Prince Harry, singer-songwriter Noah Kahan, Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, Michael Phelps, and Ryan Reynolds, to name just a few. “We all have mental health in the same way that we all have physical health,” Harry, co-founder of the Heads Together campaign to end mental health stigma in the UK, once said. “It’s OK to have depression, it’s OK to have anxiety, it’s OK to have adjustment disorder.”
@cbsmornings @Noah Kahan says he has never shied away from speaking about his mental health, adding that he feels a responsibility to speak and sing about it in the hopes “it opens up that conversation for others.” #noahkahan #mentalhealth #grammys ♬ original sound – CBS Mornings
Still, the stigma persists—especially for men: In the U.S., only 40% of men with a reported mental illness received mental health care services in the past year, as compared to 52% of women with a reported mental illness, according to 2022 statistics from the National Institute of Mental Health. Yet men are nearly four times more likely to die by suicide than women, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
“There is a drastic need for men to address their mental health, but that stigma of ‘It’s going to make me weak’ is holding them back” licensed mental health counselor Ryan Kopyar, author of the book Big Boys Do Cry, tells Fortune.
Kopyar and other mental health experts suggest that slight shifts in perspective could do a world of good when it comes to allowing men to feel more open to receiving support, whether through therapy or just a good friend. Below are three to focus on.
Be open to a new definition of ‘masculinity’
Beharry realizes now that during his darkest time, he was in part placing pressure on himself to be successful in a computer science career that he didn’t want—just so he could one day become the provider he believed a man had to be.
Feeling trapped by such societal expectations, says Paul Sharp, Senior Lecturer in the School of Health Sciences at the University of New South Wales, is a common oppressor when it comes to men suffering mentally.
But, he says, traditional masculine ideals can—and should—be broadened..
“There are ways of being healthy and supportive and proactive that are wrapped up in masculine identities today,” Sharp says. He urges men to consider the idea of “masculinities” instead of “masculinity,” because, he notes, “it encompasses multiple ways of being a man.”
For example, men who choose to call out bad behaviors—like bullying, sexism, or ridiculing vulnerability in other men—are also displaying a form of leadership and strength, Sharp says.
Kopyar believes that vulnerability not only helps men be better men, but better leaders, coworkers, and partners.
“By taking off that mask, which is something that mental health treatment can do, it allows that individual to be more vulnerable…to be a better leader, a better supervisor, a better partner,” Kopyar says.
Trust the power of speaking your truth
The No. 1 thing psychologist Michael Reichert suggests men do for their mental health is probably not a surprise: “Talk about it,” he says.
But that’s sometimes easier said than done, he notes, because of the commonly held belief that when men—or anyone—face emotional adversity, “toughing it out” alone proves you are stronger.
“That’s really scientifically incorrect, invalid, disproven, and a trap,” Reichert, author of How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men, says, as research has shown improved outcomes for men when they do disclose their mental distress. He emphasizes that the first step to improving your mental wellbeing is finding someone to talk to, and that it doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist.
“A friend, a romantic partner, a sibling, a parent—you have to find someone and you have to exercise the courage it takes to be vulnerable and disclose what’s hard,” Reichert says.
Sometimes men don’t know what to say, or even what they’re feeling, Reichert acknowledges. But staying silent won’t make that any easier. He suggests finding a structured space where men can feel like they have permission to be vulnerable, like a support group, group therapy, or men’s retreat. For men who might not have access to that, Sharp suggests doing an activity with close male friends, like playing a game of golf, for example, and slowly starting to open up while you’re hanging out in that low-pressure situation.
“The advice I give to people is: Talk about it, you will strip off the layers of disconnection and numbness and find a way, invariably, to put words to feelings,” Reichert says.
Do consider therapy—but maybe in a group instead of one-on-one
When Beharry first tried therapy, he wasn’t a fan. He met it reluctantly, feeling embarrassed to talk about his depression and the dark thoughts weighing on him.
But he realized, he says, that “in order for me to actually start getting better I had to open up and start talking about things that were really bothering me.” That’s when therapy clicked.
Other men might also struggle to open up at first; masculine socialization, research notes, is often to blame. But the traditional setting of one-on-one talk therapy might not be what’s best suited for all men.
Reichert strongly believes in the power of group-based therapy; he hosts a peer group for boys ages 17 and 18 and has found it immensely successful in getting the young men to open up—largely because it offers peer support to cut through the isolation that’s culturally imposed on men.
“It’s quite possible for younger males, older males, to help each other,” Reichert tells Fortune. “But … they need some kind of structured opportunity or permission to go against cultural norms—that’s how intimidating those norms are.”
Studies have proven that group-based therapy helps men feel less isolated, while providing that structured space in which they feel safe, and are even encouraged to open up to other men without fear of rejection or judgment.
“Vulnerability helps to create safety. That safety helps to create communication,” Kopyar says.
Sharp agrees that group settings are crucial to combat the isolation men feel while struggling mentally. One study reveals how all-male groups are especially helpful, as men can find camaraderie and support from other men who understand the masculine norms that sometimes lead to depression in the first place.
If those settings are still intimidating, Sharp suggests taking those difficult conversations outside by walking side-by-side outdoors with a therapist or trusted friend. Men may feel uncomfortable at the thought of a therapist or peer staring them in the eyes where they can see their tears or emotional expressions, which might lead to men holding back from talking openly. Suggesting a walk during a therapy session or while with friends takes that pressure out of the equation, he says.
But when Beharry was seeking treatment for his depression, he found a peer group to be incredibly valuable to help him find support in other men who understood what he was going through.
“Talking about things gets them out of your head, where they don’t seem as serious or overwhelming,” Beharry says.
If you or someone you know is in a crisis, get help immediately. You can call 911 or call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.
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