Healthy marriages are meant to be safe spaces. This does not mean the absence of conflict or being in high spirits at all times, but it’s how moments of stress, everyday emotional experiences or more significant life events are handled that can dictate a relationship’s longevity.
Neuroticism, characterized by emotional instability and high reactivity, is a key driver of divorce for many couples. While all relationships experience ups and downs, individuals with high levels of neuroticism are more prone to interpreting those ups and downs in negative and damaging ways.
Here are two reasons why high levels of neuroticism often signal the end of a marriage, according to research.
1. A Strong Negative Bias Escalates Conflict
One of the primary reasons high neuroticism is so detrimental to marriage is its strong negative bias. Neurotic individuals often interpret ambiguous or neutral events through a pessimistic lens, escalating conflicts that might otherwise be minor.
A 2020 study published in BMC Psychology found that couples with higher levels of neuroticism experience lower levels of marital satisfaction. This is largely because such individuals tend to focus more on negative experiences, interpreting even benign comments or actions from their partner as hostile or threatening.
“The negative effects of neuroticism on marital satisfaction may be through creating anxiety, tension, pity-seeking, hostility, impulsivity, depression and low self-esteem,” the researchers explain.
Highly neurotic individuals also tend to be more sensitive to stress, and even small inconveniences can lead to disproportionate emotional reactions. In the context of marriage, these tendencies can create a minefield of emotional landmines, leading to constant conflict, misunderstandings and emotional exhaustion for both partners.
For example, a partner might innocently forget to take out the trash, but a neurotic spouse may view this as evidence of carelessness or lack of respect, leading to an overblown argument. The constant barrage of negativity wears on both partners and, instead of feeling like a safe space, the relationship becomes fraught with tension. This emotional volatility can drive them apart over time.
In contrast, researchers found that couples who display “conscientiousness”—a trait referring to being organized, self-disciplined, reliable and goal-oriented— tend to experience higher levels of marital satisfaction. It appears that their ability to manage stress and maintain composure fosters a more stable and supportive relationship.
“Given that conscientious people are self-disciplined, principled and able to effectively handle relationship issues, they are expected to experience high levels of marital satisfaction. People high in conscientiousness refrain from showing aggression and are capable of controlling their impulses,” the researchers write, highlighting the importance of mindful reactions in everyday relationship interactions.
2. Emotional Reactivity Can Chip Away At Intimacy
Individuals with high emotional reactivity have difficulty managing their emotions, often reacting with heightened sensitivity, intense outbursts and a slow recovery from negative feelings.
A 2022 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that high emotional reactivity is also associated with lower levels of “perceived partner responsiveness,” which refers to how well a spouse feels understood, valued and cared for by their partner.
“Individuals with high emotional reaction tendencies are easy to be regarded by their spouses as unfriendly or even hostile,” the researchers write. So, when one partner is highly emotionally reactive, the other often feels hurt, neglected or misunderstood, leading to a decline in marital quality.
For a relationship to thrive, both partners need to feel that their emotional needs are being met. Couples who can calmly navigate stress and respond to each other’s emotional needs build trust and intimacy.
On the other hand, when one partner is constantly reacting with anger, anxiety or frustration, it becomes challenging for the other to offer support. This dynamic erodes the closeness that couples need to maintain a healthy bond.
“Based on family system theory, couples form an emotional community, which connects with each other emotionally. The emotional experience of one party can be transmitted to the other,” the researchers write, highlighting how one partner’s emotional reactivity has a ripple effect on the relationship.
Researchers suggest that the damaging effects of high emotional reactivity can lead to withdrawal behaviors, such as avoiding physical contact, ignoring each other’s feelings or refusing to engage in important conversations. Without intervention, this creates a downward spiral of isolation, resentment and eventually, divorce.
Couples who commit to emotional awareness, work on self-regulation and enhance their perception of each other’s needs can break this cycle of reactivity in their marriage. Remember, emotional stability isn’t about avoiding stress; it’s about responding to it in a way that preserves the safety, trust and closeness in your relationship.
In the end, emotional growth is essential to sustaining emotional connection in a marriage. While love may begin with chemistry, it flourishes in self-awareness, emotional availability and in learning to find the calm within the storm.
Questioning whether your marriage is in good standing? Take the Marital Satisfaction Scale to receive a science-backed answer.
