What makes people feel most loved — romantic words or meaningful actions?
We’ve all heard the clichés; women are easily swayed by sweet talk, while men are immune to it. But a new study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science puts these stereotypes to the test, and flips them upside down.
The research shows that women consistently prefer “sweet actions” over “sweet words,” while men show more flexibility, often swayed by context and emotional warmth.
As co-author of the study Jianmin Zeng explains in our recent interview, “People generally have the stereotype that females are more easily swayed by sweet words than males, but little empirical work has been devoted to testing this stereotype, which motivated us to conduct this research.”
So what does this mean for modern day couples? Here are three big takeaways, and how to apply them in your relationship.
1. Actions Build Trust (Especially For Women)
Women value actions more than words. And Zeng explains why: “Compared with males, females naturally need more sweet actions. Females endure the tasks of pregnancy and childcare. Such tasks are tough and quite material; sweet words can help a little, but sweet actions can help a lot.”
Evolutionarily speaking, women are wired to put more weight on tangible signs of commitment because historically, survival and caregiving depended on them.
To put this knowledge into action in the modern day,
- Keep your promises. Reliability is romantic. If you say you’ll do something, make sure you deliver.
- Show up consistently. Whether it’s helping on a stressful day, taking care of an errand or simply being physically present, actions anchor a woman’s sense of safety and trust.
- Be consistent with your gestures. Making her tea, walking the dog or remembering her preferences aren’t minor. They add up to a steady stream of reassurance that you’re a present partner.
Think of actions as the scaffolding of love. It’s simple: without them, words lose their strength.
2. Words Carry More Weight With Men Than We Assume
If women are action-oriented, what about men? Here’s where Zeng’s experiments add much more depth to our understanding. The study showed that men’s responses are amenable to change depending on how affection is framed.
“Changing the experimental materials can lead to different preferences. For instance, if we increase the ‘sweetness’ of the actions and keep the sweetness of the words unchanged, individuals’ preferences will surely shift toward sweet actions.”
Challenging the conventional, limiting understanding of men’s preferences, this flexibility is further supported by a 2024 study, which found that men express higher levels of verbal affection (80%) and sexual desire (70%) compared to women, and navigate cultural norms with greater freedom.
The crux here is that men too notice and respond to both actions and words. Both are welcomed equally to bridge the gap between thought and action in love. However, it also depends on which signals are most prominent. Verbal affirmations , as well as meaningful actions make a difference when these expressions feel sincere and contextually appropriate.
Here’s what this might look like in practice:
- When you notice it, say it. For example, if a partner fixes something, supports you or just makes you laugh, acknowledge it aloud.
- Affirm his character, not just his actions. Instead of only thanking him for what he does, remind him of who he is: “I love how patient you are with our kids” or “I admire your drive.”
Men may not always ask for verbal encouragement, but hearing it matters more than most will admit. Knowing this can flip how you communicate affection in ways that feel surprisingly refreshing.
3. The Secret Is Warmth And Sincerity
The study’ ultimate finding is that it’s not either/or. What really matters is how warm and trustworthy a partner feels. As Zeng puts it: “Perceived warmth and trustworthiness are the underlying psychological mechanisms of this phenomenon. You should choose sweet words or sweet actions that will be perceived as warm and trustworthy at that moment or situation.”
This means most successful relationships are the ones where partners flexibly balance both. So choose words or deeds that fit the context and feel authentic.
Here’s how you can go about it:
- Match the love language to the moment. Stressful situations often call for actions. This means taking over tasks, showing up on time. Vulnerable moments often call for words. This could look like offering verbal reassurance, comfort or encouragement.
- Follow through on your thoughts and intentions with action. Say “I love you” and show it by being present. Apologize and follow through with change. The combination builds both intimacy and trust.
- Choose sincerity over performance, always. Empty flattery or mechanical gestures won’t land. Ask yourself: “Am I doing this to truly connect, or just to check a box?” Genuine care always outshines empty effort.
This research highlights the more nuanced aspect of expressing love, which goes beyond the old saying, “Actions speak louder than words.” For women, actions do carry more weight, anchoring love in tangible reliability. For men, words may resonate more than we’ve been led to believe, offering affirmation in a world that often demands stoicism.
But the ultimate lesson is that love needs both words and action. And they work best when complemented by perfect timing and sincerity.
Curious what your own love language is? Take the science-backed Love Language Scale to learn more.
