Send questions about the office, money, careers and work-life balance to [email protected]. Include your name and location, or a request to remain anonymous. Letters may be edited.
An Office Romance
I have been dating a man who works at the same company as I do since 2021. Our relationship has since developed, and it has been almost three years now. We love and trust each other, and since we are both in our mid-thirties (an age considered appropriate for marriage in Korea, where we live), we have decided to get married next year.
For the past three years, I have kept the fact that I have a boyfriend a secret from my co-workers, even my close ones. There are several reasons for this, but the biggest is that I didn’t want to be the subject of office gossip, and I wanted to avoid the potential awkwardness in case we broke up. During this time, some co-workers have suggested that I meet their single friends. Sometimes I feel guilty, as I realize that I may have deceived people who truly care about me.
Now, as the time has come to openly acknowledge my relationship, I’m feeling anxious and unsure. Do you have any advice for me?
— Anonymous
I admire your restraint and discretion; I’m not sure that most people would be able to keep a romantic relationship with a colleague under wraps for even a few months, much less a few years. But my advice is pretty straightforward: Announce your engagement to your co-workers and explain that, until now, you’ve needed to be tight-lipped about the relationship to keep things professional and uncomplicated in the workplace.
As for how to break the news? This is no doubt a big part of the reason you’re feeling so anxious. I’d start with approaching one of your closest, most trusted work colleagues and taking the person’s temperature, not just about your news but how to best share it with others in your professional circle. There’s something interesting about getting advice from one of the very people you’re so nervous about revealing information to about to how best to reveal that information to others. See if your co-worker thinks others should be told in person — separately or in a group — or whether breaking the news is better done in writing. Your colleague will feel included in your process, and will no doubt appreciate the gesture.
One thing you didn’t mention in your inquiry is whether you and your fiancé hold the same status at your company or if one of you has a more senior role. This feels relevant, if only because this status is going to be taken into account by your co-workers as they process the news about your relationship.
No matter how you approach the revelation of your relationship, you should be prepared for the likelihood that you’ll be the subject of office gossip. It’s natural that people will react to such substantial news with a desire to discuss what they did, or did not, intuit about your relationship status over the past few years. Give them the space to do so while giving yourself enough grace to dispense with any lingering guilt. Also: Don’t put pressure on yourself to justify your decision to keep your relationship a secret. An explanation should be enough.
I suspect that some of your co-workers will have hurt feelings. After all, no one wants to feel, as you put it, deceived. However, those close colleagues who truly care about you will understand and respect the predicament you’ve been in. Just don’t tell them that you’ve been concerned about office gossip; the implication will be that they lack discretion, and it’s likely and understandable that they’ll find such an assumption offensive. One last thought: You might want to consider going to your company’s human resources department before you reveal your relationship to your colleagues. Though I don’t think it’s crucial, doing so would signal to H.R. that you’re committed to communicating openly, if need be, about other aspects of your relationship that may need to be shared.
You might also get some much-needed advice about how to approach the rest of your colleagues with your (good) news.
Grief in the Face of an Insensitive Boss
In January, my boss walked into my office asking how I was doing. I attempted to tell him my dad was dying. He interrupted me and told me that his dog had a tumor on his butt. The next day my boss told me that the dog’s tumor was benign and that his wife would be “devastated” if the dog died. My boss then told me that he and I were in the same situation in that his dog was sick and my dad was dying. My dad died shortly after. I cannot imagine talking to my boss ever again. My dad was not a dog. He was an accomplished, wonderful man whom I grieve for every day.
Should I bring this up with my boss? Should I just let it go? Maybe I should just leave?
— Anonymous
I’m sorry for your loss. I recently lost a parent as well. The mix of emotions, and these emotions’ unpredictability, has been humbling, to say the least. Navigating the death of a loved one who was so central to our existence can be a profoundly lonely and unsettling experience, even when it’s been anticipated for some time. To make things even more complicated, dealing with a loved one’s death can put others’ discomfort with it into stark relief, which can compel them to say nothing or the wrong thing.
Which brings me to your boss. You’re correct that your boss’s attempt to assert some sort of equivalence between his pet’s medical crisis and your father’s decline is at best clueless, and at worst disgusting. I understand that some people react badly to difficult conversations, but it’s hard to give your boss the benefit of the doubt on this one. The fact that your boss brought it up again suggests that this was more than just a slip of the tongue. Even if he was making an effort to commiserate with you — and I’m pretty sure that’s what he was doing — he chose the wrong way to go about it. Repeatedly.
That said, I can’t imagine a way in which you can have a conversation about this with your boss without him getting defensive. I may be underestimating his capacity to be self-reflective, but anyone who’s unable to appreciate the distinction between the medical crisis of a companion animal and the death of a parent is unlikely to do so even when the disparity is pointed out.
My advice is this: Honor your grief and your grieving process, but try not to focus too much on what your boss did or didn’t say. If in a few months you’re still so disgusted by your boss’s behavior that you can’t see past it, think about talking to a professional mental health provider. That person can help you unpack your feelings and figure out a way to navigate them in what feels like an unforgiving work environment and a society that does not offer us the tools or the vocabulary for how to talk, or even think, about death.
Which brings me to your question about leaving. Do I think you should leave your job? No. Not according to what little I know. But if you continue to find the very idea of talking to your boss impossible, and assuming you have the privilege and ability to do so, you might want to see what else is out there. Even if you ultimately decide to stay, getting a read on other opportunities could go a long way toward reminding yourself that no matter how difficult this situation with your boss is, you are not bound to it forever.
