A recent poll found that more than a third of all Americans are estranged from a relative, either a sibling, parent, child, grandparent or grandchild. Another study found that a third of Americans have had relationships with friends, family members, or romantic partners end over political disagreements. Too often, the acrimony of national politics bleeds into everyday life, turning our relatives and friends into political adversaries rather than the people who know us best.
Yet we shouldn’t run from disagreement. We just need to do it better. Civil discourse is a habit. Like learning to shoot a free throw in basketball or playing the violin, civility takes practice. But how do we practice it? A new handbook on civility offers a simple framework that helps you develop civil discourse skills. The book’s principles outline what to settle before a conversation starts, how to hold it steady once it does, and how to disagree without walking away. Here’s how to put them to use.
What to Settle Before You’re In The Thick Of a Disagreement
The work of civility starts long before anyone raises their voice. To prepare for a tough disagreement, stay humble and remember that you could be missing something. Hold your views with openness and the recognition that what you know may be incomplete or out of date. Others may see what we cannot. Establishing this ahead of time helps lower the temperature of disagreement when it arises. Remember that intellectual humility is a tool for discovery; we can’t learn if we think we already have all the answers.
On the other hand, humility doesn’t prevent you from having strong convictions. Consider outlining your non-negotiables in advance of a difficult discussion. Ask yourself: What do I value and want to protect? What kind of person am I? For those convictions your conscience won’t let you budge on, think of how you can express them honestly and clearly. Civil disagreement doesn’t mean abandoning strong beliefs or backing down from a debate, but informed and respectful conviction.
During the Conversation
Productive disagreements start with respecting the person across from us, acknowledging their inherent worth and dignity regardless of what they look like, where they come from, or what they believe. That means disagreeing with their ideas, not criticizing their character. Making things personal is a recipe for disaster. A foundation of respect builds trust, increases cooperation and makes constructive conversation possible. Respect doesn’t mean we have to have warm feelings for everyone or that we can’t disagree, but it does mean we have to disagree in a particular way.
One way to show respect is to establish a foundation of common ground before diving in. Large differences of opinion can make us forget how much we have in common: food, music, sports, art, family. Each of these is a universal human experience that cuts across background, class, geography and political belief. Finding common ground reminds us that our disagreements happen inside a larger circle of shared humanity.
Once the conversation gets underway, another way that respect becomes concrete is through really listening, rather than just waiting for your turn to argue, or, even worse, talking over the other person. Reflect the other person’s point back to them before responding, something like: “So what you’re saying is X?” This allows you to clarify ambiguities before they calcify into bigger disagreements, and signals that you want to understand their position. We’re not learning when we’re talking. We learn from other people when we take their words seriously.
What To Do When it Gets Hard
Conversations can become tense—or even go off the rails entirely—for a variety of reasons. When tensions rise, consider the following strategies.
Be careful to separate fact from opinion. Civility in conversation requires that we test claims against reality. Arguments have validity when they’re grounded in evidence, like verifiable facts or clear reasoning that can be questioned and challenged. This discipline applies to both what others say and to what we say. It’s fine to have strong convictions, but justify your claims with evidence and logic.
When you hit a true impasse, lean on the relationship. Remember that you and your conversation partner are family, or friends, or neighbors, and that the relationship existed before this disagreement and can outlast it too. Sometimes that means giving up today’s discussion to make sure that a debate tomorrow is still possible. Other times it means staying at the table a little longer, because the relationship can bear the weight of it. When people feel connected, they give one another the benefit of the doubt and listen more. When connection fades, conflicts harden into mistrust.
Finally, always remember that disagreement is at the very core of human life. We all have opinions, preferences and values, and it is those very things that make us who we are. Disagreeing about them is unavoidable. What matters most is how we carry it out. Undisciplined conflict produces resentment and paralysis, and leaves our relationships weak or severed entirely. Disciplined conflict leads to stronger relationships and better communication.
The opinions expressed in Fortune.com commentary pieces are solely the views of their authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of Fortune.
