Life today looks nothing like it did five, ten or twenty years ago. The world has changed in ways we couldn’t have imagined back then. Naturally, our love lives haven’t been immune to these changes either.
Yet, despite these sweeping societal shifts, has dating itself evolved all that much? This is the question researcher Brian Ogolsky and his team set out to explore in a January 2025 study published in Personal Relationships.
The rise of dating apps, the influence of social media, society’s ever-evolving attitudes toward marriage, commitment and sex — considering them all, you might expect the answer to be a resounding yes.
According to the study, there are four distinct stages that define how modern romantic relationships tend to unfold. And, surprisingly, they’re not as different from the past as you might think.
1. ‘Flirtationship’
Ogolsky and his team examined college students’ love lives, a decade apart: 126 students in 2012, and 133 students in 2022. Their survey asked a single open-ended question: “Describe, in order, what you believe are the phases of a typical romantic relationship.”
After comparing the answers, it was clear that — in both 2012 and 2022 — a similar pattern emerged amongst the participants. The first stage, unanimously, was what Ogolsky and his co-authors called a “flirtationship,” which the participants described in largely similar ways.
One student described it as the stage where two potential partners search for “common interests which will be the base of the relationship.” Another encapsulated it as feeling “attracted to what the other looks like” and wanting “to know more.”
Perhaps the most apt description of all was from the student who explained, “One of you has expressed blatant or intended interest. You know you like each other, and this is where it ends if one doesn’t reciprocate flirtation.”
Despite the countless ways technology has changed how we meet and interact, the essence of this first stage hasn’t budged. This is likely because the need to assess compatibility is foundational to how we form relationships of any kind.
Before we attach, we observe. We pay attention to the small cues, and send out a few of our own. This process isn’t new, and no swipe-based interface or algorithm can bypass it entirely.
While apps and digital communication have certainly created new avenues for flirtation, they haven’t eliminated the uncertainty or vulnerability that comes with it. In fact, participants in both 2012 and 2022 noted that the flirtationship phase often unfolds online.
You might chat for days, exchange memes, build anticipation — but you will still need to consider whether the attraction is mutual, or whether it’ll even translate offline. Even with more tools at our disposal, it’s human nature to test out whether it’s something worth pursuing. The packaging may have changed, but the psychology hasn’t.
2. Relationship Potential
The researchers labeled the second stage of romantic progression as “relationship potential.” As the name suggests, the participants defined this as a stage of exploration — particularly in terms of romantic compatibility.
For instance, one participant typified this stage as “spending time together/dating.” Similarly, another described it as “meeting and going to places together to learn more about each other.”
Overall, one participant’s description encapsulated it best: “Things get a bit more serious, you want to get a bit more romantic and go out on dates. This could be one to two dates every few weeks with a few lunch dates in between.”
This is where we move from “I think I like you” to “I want to understand who you are.” There’s still ambiguity — the potential for things to fizzle — but with the addition of effort. You go on dates, talk more deeply and start mentally placing the person in the context of your own life.
What’s notable is that, even in an era where casual encounters and instant gratification are more accessible than ever, people still crave this slow, evaluative period. The effort to get to know each other hasn’t been automated, and it’s not something you can outsource to a well-written bio or curated photo grid.
Digital platforms might facilitate contact, but they can’t (and shouldn’t) replace the experience of actively building comfort and trust. We may be quicker to connect today, but we’re still cautious when it comes to investing emotionally. The deliberateness of this stage speaks to the enduring human need to “figure it out,” so to speak.
3. In A Relationship
The third stage of romantic progression, both a decade ago and today, is defined by exclusivity.
This “in a relationship” stage, as described by the students, encompasses a sense of being official. One participant explained that this is the phase where two people begin “Labeling one’s relationship status as ‘in a relationship’ with a partner.” Another participant noted that, at this stage, “Flirting or hooking up with someone else would be cheating.”
Beyond the official label itself, the participants also associated this stage with larger romantic milestones — such as exchanging “I love yous,” meeting each others’ friends and family, as well as becoming both emotionally and physically intimate.
Even as social norms around relationships have grown more flexible, this stage has remained consistent. Polyamory, casual dating and relationship anarchy are more visible and more widely discussed than they were a decade ago. Yet, the majority of participants still pointed to exclusivity as a defining marker.
It’s clear that, while the options have expanded, most people still value a clear, unambiguous declaration of commitment — likely due the stability that this stage offers. This isn’t necessarily because it marks the end of romantic exploration, but more so because it introduces a sense of structure and expectation. This is the very clarity that guides us through everything else to come.
4. Commitment … Or Bust
Participants associated the fourth and final phase with decision-making. Namely, the choice between large declarations of commitment — like moving in together, getting engaged or getting married — or ultimately terminating the relationship.
“No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws,” explained one participant. “The goal is to find someone whose flaws you can love or at least tolerate without excess frustration. After being together for a while, it is impossible to keep up a 350% perfect act. You can either accept your partner for who they are or realize you need to break up. You see them for who they are and either still love it or start to hate it.”
As Ogolsky and his co-authors explain, this isn’t an exact continuation of the previous stages, but rather a crossroad.
By this point, the façade has been lifted. You know how your partner handles stress, whether your values align and what long-term sacrifices each of you are willing (or unwilling) to make. What you’re deciding now isn’t whether you love each other, but whether you can sustainably continue to love each other.
Whether commitment is marriage, cohabitation or simply a private agreement to stay together long-term, the need to decide remains. Societal progress over the last decade may have changed what these commitments look like, but it hasn’t eliminated the need to either build a future — or consciously walk away from one.
Has the façade been lifted in your relationship yet? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Authenticity In Relationships Scale
