Decades ago, John Glover, a lawyer then in his early 30s with a wife and two children, found himself standing in a bank lobby trying to figure out how he could stretch what little remained in his account to cover his expenses. Foreclosure loomed. He wanted to float a check, write it and worry about having the money in the account later.
“There was just no money,” said Mr. Glover, who had gone out on his own to build a law firm, but was struggling with self-worth issues and becoming an entrepreneur. “It was a dark time. I didn’t see a way out,” he said.
Mr. Glover focused on what he felt was the single most important problem: how to get through the next month, financially. His panicked mind turned to the accidental-death life insurance policy he had through the state bar.
“And I thought, well, that would be a solution,” he said.
He would need, he thought, to make his death look like an accident. Then his family would get the life insurance money, which would solve the problem.
The amount of the payout: just $5,000. In the tunnel vision of his crisis, this meager amount seemed like the answer.
The thought passed, and he didn’t take that road. Mr. Glover and his family lost their house to foreclosure, and he and his wife divorced a few years later. But he lived through it.
For many people in debt, a feeling of hopelessness can cause them to consider taking drastic measures. While taking one’s own life is often a result of a combination of risk factors, such as mood disorders or access to lethal means, stressors like financial crises can tip the scales toward an attempt. One study found that experiencing debt or a financial crisis increased the likelihood of a suicide attempt by 58 percent. But other options are always available.
“It’s important to remember that while there is usually no one cause for an individual’s suicide, financial stress can play a contributing role for many people,” said Sarah Brummett, director of the executive committee of the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention, a public-private partnership.
“The point of when stressors, including finances, are reaching a crisis point is really self-defined,” she said.
On the advice of a friend, after his moment of suicidal thinking in the bank lobby, Mr. Glover started writing down every time he spent money. At the moment he had considered taking his own life, he said, his financial numbers had felt insurmountably severe.
Once he started tracking concrete numbers with better records, though, “the ultimate truth was they weren’t,” he said. “There’s always some way out.”
He added, “So that was the beginning for me, of seeing the possibility instead of the impossibility of money.”
For some people deep in debt, bankruptcy can offer a second chance. Mr. Glover got involved with Debtors Anonymous. Community, he said, served as “an immediate shame-buster, because you understand that you’re not the only person with this problem.”
There he met Karen McCall, who had also felt ashamed and hopeless about the waves of payment due dates crashing over her. She was just in the process of starting a business, MoneyGrit, to help others in financial crises.
“My very first meeting I went to, I felt so embarrassed for these people who were talking openly about money,” Ms. McCall said. “During that hour-and-a-half meeting, it kind of broke my denial, and this lovely Irish man looked at me and said, ‘I’m so glad you’re here.’ And then the waterworks started.”
Among the factors that might contribute to someone’s contemplating suicide while in financial trouble, “denial is No. 1,” she said.
“It’s that secret, it’s that fear, it’s that shame. The secrecy is a way of protecting themselves from being exposed,” Ms. McCall said. “They’re thinking: If they don’t see this about me, then I’m somehow safe. And it’s the opposite. Those secrets will absolutely kill them.”
Later, a psychiatrist referred a client to her for financial coaching, a well-respected physician and father to two children in graduate school. He had been intercepted while considering taking his own life so his life insurance could pay for the rest of their education. All of the evidence of his financial ruin was hidden in his office.
“I have seen the depths of despair and the hopelessness that people feel,” Ms. McCall said.
One of the first actions she suggests for someone in financial trouble is to look at the numbers, where a person is right in the moment, triaging both what money is needed for the week and how big the debt or loss is. Ms. McCall said she had seen people in crisis totally change their countenance once they switched from the fear of a perceived cataclysm to concrete digits.
“So often, when people don’t know the true facts of what their situation is, they may not know exactly what they owe,” she said. “They may not know what any of their options are.” She added: “They feel better knowing. So the numbers are super, super important.”
Now a married couple, Mr. Glover, 74, and Ms. McCall, 81, have spent most of the last two years traveling Europe.
“When we met, it was a complete impossibility to think of anything like that,” she said. “Dealing with money problems, whether it’s under-earning, overspending, whatever — it’s so worth it. It can really change lives.”
Finding Yourself Again
Ambus Hunter considered himself to be someone who was good with money. Then a trip to Las Vegas introduced him to roulette. Over time, his play tipped into problematic gambling, and in a month he lost about $10,000. At 25, that was pretty much his life savings.
“I really felt like I didn’t know who I was,” Mr. Hunter said. “It’s a very weighty and trippy feeling to lose a sense of yourself.”
His mind narrowed to the most important thing: getting the money back. He came up with ideas, intense but fleeting, of illegal schemes.
“And I also had very intense and fleeting moments of, well, what if you just get out of here, end it all, in the form of, unfortunately: What would it be like to take your own life?” he said.
He said he was able to push through those thoughts and did the math. He realized that if he spent only on essentials and worked two side jobs, he could rebuild his savings in five months. He got rid of his cable, home internet and social life. And he got a job as a mystery shopper and a brand ambassador.
By the age of 30, Mr. Hunter said, he had built up his wealth to $200,000, and he became a financial counselor to problem gamblers. Now 38 and living in Baltimore, he said the experience informed his perspectives and relationship with money in positive ways, and he has been able to use it to help others. He said he saw one factor as essential for making it through: self-forgiveness.
“It feels horrible to feel like you’ve made a decision that has not only put yourself in a financial challenge but also people you love,” Mr. Hunter said. “I think forgiving yourself for decisions is a great first step. I don’t think any of this other stuff comes before you come to a sense of forgiveness for yourself.”
Get Mental Health Help
Michelle Singletary, author of “What to Do With Your Money When Crisis Hits: A Survival Guide,” said the care for people in deep debt couldn’t be just about the numbers.
“We need to normalize mental health,” she said. “We normalize taking care of your body, but we have to normalize taking care of your mind. I think the more we can normalize that, the more people who, hopefully, will get help.”
Free mental health services may be available through an employer’s employee assistance program or through other resources. Anyone can call or text 988 to talk to someone at the national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Ms. Singletary said the element that surprised her most while researching and writing her book was that people tend to stay silent about their financial troubles, echoing what Ms. McCall said.
It doesn’t matter what your salary is, Ms. Singletary said. People can get into financial trouble no matter what their income is. She likened the feeling to being in a hole you have dug.
“When you’re in the hole, it’s just you and the walls,” she said. “And it’s the same thing with financial crisis: It’s just you and the debt and the loss of the job or the loss of your investments. That’s all that you’re seeing in that hole, because you’re in there by yourself.”
Speaking with someone, she said, can help change your perspective.
“If you’ve got someone else in there, maybe they can put their hands down and you can step into their hands and get out of the hole, or you can reach up and find someone,” Ms. Singletary said. “Don’t try to go it alone.”
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources.
